Sleep is the most common reason parents turn to for help.
This fatigue is unlike anything else, it increases burnout, stress, our regulatory abilities and problem solving.
And maybe here is the problem, because along with the fatigue, the basic and traditional strategies that worked for ages also fell asleep.
We, the parents, have dormant voices that need to be awakened, we have natural intuitions that have charted the way throughout the generations
but due to confusion and overload we have distanced ourselves from them.
We turned anesthesia time into another task as a result of which the whole house went into stress.
We forgot that going to bed is parting and partings are hard, partings are painful and sad, in every parting there is hidden a little futility, hidden is the realization that there is a reality that I cannot control, that I cannot change - and this happens every night.
It may sound a little dramatic, but this is the feeling for little babies who depend on our connection to survive, babies who need to feel our presence, to let go and say goodbye to sleep.
Breakup is the biggest threat and it's totally survivalist!
As soon as the brain feels a threat of separation - it goes into "absorption alertness" all systems adjust to maintain closeness, prevent or postpone separation - and this is exactly the behavior we see in small children during anesthesia, another story, another drink, another pee... the main thing is to hold the "Together" postpone the breakup - and that's how you really can't fall asleep!
so what are we doing?
First of all understand it!
Falling asleep is not a task that needs to be acquired, it is not something that can be taught
, it will come on its own when the conditions are ripe, when safety will seep in, when the frustration of parting will turn into a small sadness that the brain will interpret as adaptation, because we survived the night, because we are capable, developing, learning to hold together even apart.
There are ways to help this maturation and they will always be related to bridging the separation, emphasizing presence and continuity - to mention the togetherness separately as well, here are some ideas:
Separate sleep from the tasks of the day - falling asleep is not another task that needs to be completed, give the important transition time between the end of the day and the approaching sleep.
A calm time of pleasant activity, which includes touch, a story and even a calm game.
There the child leads, with him the control and with him the freedom to give room for the troubles of the day to come out.
If possible, join him, give him one-on-one time, without distractions, without phones, without tasks and instructions, fill the tank of belonging and sacrifice for the battle night.
For the soft babies it is a time of connection through the senses, massage, breastfeeding, singing.
Provide a sensory memory - in the first year the attachment is made mainly through the senses, but these tricks can absolutely continue for years to come, smell and texture do the job at any age.
Leave a shirt with your smell (not of washing powder), a cozy blanket, for bigger ones you can give the guy something from your bag to take with him to bed.
And in any case, if you move away, keep talking, singing or humming to maintain continuity and presence.
Sing a lullaby with your voice!!
It's not just that lullabies are preserved throughout the generations, it's a basic strategy that has put children to sleep throughout the ages, universal and intuitive that provides both sensory and emotional response, the child is held within a framework of closeness and security, listening to his parents.
Want another good reason to sing?
Studies show that singing, certainly with emotional and nostalgic content, raises oxytocin in the parent as well!
It will calm you down too so turn on the playlist and sing in your voice - even if you are not particularly musical - your voice is the familiar one and it will always be the voice that calms your child down.
And in this context, don't be afraid of habits, there is no more natural and magical habit than, at any age, an intimate ceremony of parent and child who part with a little sadness until the morning.
Bridge the breakup - if the children are older in the second and third year, the breakup should focus on the reunion, tell what will happen in the morning, what you will eat together, and also what will happen at night if he wakes up, he can call you and you will always come!
There is nothing to be done. Our parental role does not end when the TV is turned off, and this message must be passed on to the children.
Maintain closeness and presence - stay around until they fall asleep, with the soft babies it is necessary, they feel you through the smell, sound and touch and this will help them relax and fall asleep, it is an investment of time without a doubt, but it is extremely worthwhile - the security of your presence is so necessary to allow for them to say goodbye to sleep.
And here is a tip that will also work with the older children, spend a few more minutes of your presence with them until they fall asleep.
Come back to cover them, kiss and hug even after you've left the room.
Use your imagination and arrange to "meet in a dream" and if they have already fallen asleep when you came, tell them in the morning how you made sure to cover them again even after they fell asleep.
Prepare for periods of change - when there are more separations in the children's lives, a new sibling, entering kindergarten, father in the reserve - we will see an effect on sleep.
Sleep is just like a barometer indicating everything that goes through them during the day.
During these times, prepare yourself for a greater difficulty in saying goodbye for the night, don't be afraid to generously give your presence there - it is the answer - you are the answer, it is not a treat and it will not occur to them.
Written by
Dana
Amer - certified behavior analyst, MA in special education, lecturer and expert in accompanying the family unit.
A tired mother tries to sleep while her daughter disturbs her (Photo: ShutterStock)
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Dana said, in collaboration with JAMA
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