"Too good, too stupid", "good pear", "pigeon"... Forgive us these terms and expressions but it must be recognized that the kindness of some people loses them.
“We tend to consider someone who is too nice as someone who is a little stupid or childish.
It thus seems easy to abuse his generosity”, comments the psychiatrist Stéphane Clerget (1).
And for good reason, without imposing limits, some are devoured by their unfailing generosity and are walked on by others.
It is however quite possible to support the other, to help him or even to render service, while being respected.
Provided you take certain measures.
To discover
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Break with the idea of sacrifice
First piece of advice: no longer confuse kindness with sacrifice.
Amalgamation is common;
don't we think a child is nice when in reality he submits to his parents?
However,
true
kindness rather brings together empathy, listening, benevolence... Nothing to do, therefore, with submission and the permanent "yes", which are physically and mentally tiring.
“When you are in a conciliatory role in which you accept and forgive everything, there will inevitably be a moment when you will feel distraught and exhausted,” says Laetitia Bluteau, clinical psychologist specializing in attachment theory.
What we do, what we say and what we give must be in accordance with the resources at our disposal.
Thus, before agreeing to help, for example, the psychologist invites us to evaluate our amount of free time, our mental and physical energy or even our financial conditions (if we have to lend money).
If these are not in line with the act of benevolence that you are about to do, it is better to pass your turn, at the risk of sacrificing yourself.
Renouncing savior status
Being permanently devoted to others will leave them free to ask for more.
If we do not expose our limits, they will think that our resources are inexhaustible, and so we will ask again and again.
"To say no to someone who asks us too much is not to make him suffer, it is to make sure not to suffer oneself", recalls Dr. Stéphane Clerget.
Saying no to someone who asks too much of us is not making them suffer, it's making sure you don't suffer yourself
Stéphane Clerget, psychiatrist
For some, the task is difficult because it amounts to "giving up their special status as a savior, that is to say the image that others have of them, that of a helpful person, always present", says Laetitia Bluteau.
We must then remember that we cannot take care of an individual as a whole, adds Dr. Stéphane Clerget.
We can participate in his well-being, but it is not our responsibility to solve all his problems.
And less devotion does not necessarily mean becoming malevolent.
Read also“Super-helper syndrome”: how (too much) helping others kills slowly
Stay connected to yourself
In order to avoid endless devotion, it is essential to stay connected to your own desires and needs.
The reason is simple: if you don't respect them yourself, it is very easy for others to trample on them.
This requires giving less importance to the eyes of others, no longer waiting for their validation and focusing on our own interests, warns Laetitia Bluteau.
You have to get out of a certain automatism of yes
Laetitia Bluteau, clinical psychologist
A work of introspection is then necessary to develop more listening to oneself.
This is how we will be able to feel if our help is excessive, if it costs us too much.
Stress, frustration or disappointment are unmistakable signs, according to the psychologist.
“The objective is to get out of a certain automatism of the yes, she specifies.
To do this, we monitor how we feel before performing an act of kindness to someone, we probe to know if we really want it or if it is beyond our strength.
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Take some distance
To notify a colleague, friend or relative that we will no longer be systematically available, there is no need to provide a declaration.
On the other hand, you have to distance yourself and be less and less reactive to requests.
“Rather than responding instantly to a message from a loved one who asks us for help, we can start by waiting ten minutes before accepting, advises Laetitia Bluteau.
Next week, we can put an hour before sending our message, and so on.
If we can't say no, nothing prevents us from suggesting a service commensurate with our abilities, instead, adds psychiatrist Stéphane Clerget.
Read alsoThe hard law of the “friendzone”: the 6 pitfalls to avoid to not be considered “just” as a friend
Succeed in saying no
It is essential to accept having a contradictory opinion from time to time.
Someone who manages to say no more easily inspires respect.
If refusing to help terrifies us, there's nothing better than starting small.
“The less people will be part of a close circle, the easier it will be to assert oneself in front of them, mentions Laetitia Bluteau.
It is with these people that you have to practice saying no.
To make the task easier, Stéphane Clerget invites us to give our kindness the value of a gift.
“It would not occur to us to offer the same gift to everyone, he illustrates, we offer it to someone deserving.
With the others, the principle is the same: we choose who we say yes to, so as not to let ourselves be vampirized by others.
And if some judge us when we refuse to render a service, "so much the better!", Considers the psychiatrist.
Here is a good way to sort out the surroundings.
People who are understanding and kind are compared to people who are aggressive, pushy, and manipulative to get what they want.
Respect is required
Not compromising and demanding respect is the only way to be taken seriously, insists Stéphane Clerget.
It can be found in different forms: in the way someone addresses us, in their politeness, in their thanks, in their understanding, when they inform that they are not available.
“When you show kindness, the other must at least be polite, insists the psychiatrist.
If this is not the case, we point it out to him and we demand respect for ourselves.
If despite this warning, the person still does not respect us, this should legitimize in our eyes our refusal of kindness.
(1)
Psychic vampires
, by Stéphane Clerget, published by Le livre de Poche, 256 p., €8.40.