Democratic education strives for equality of value and mutual respect.
Father and son spending time together (Photo: ShutterStock)
Today in Israel we celebrate Family Day, and this is exactly the time to talk about the magic ingredient that can change the atmosphere in our home - democracy.
Unlike the atmosphere in which some of us grow up in the shadows, one where the parent dictates and the child obeys (sometimes, only when the parent is around), democratic education strives for equality of value, mutual respect, sharing and asking for help, and understanding the rationale behind decision-making in the family.
In the transition from authoritarian parenting - which is mostly based on hierarchy, strict rules and punishments - to parental authority that bases the parents' ability to lead on expertise, communication at eye level and good relationships - sometimes, we get lost and find ourselves in anarchy.
In order to balance the conduct at home, to teach the child to behave in accordance with society's expectations and demands, but, at the same time, also to allow him to cultivate an independent entity with mental autonomy, we must open up to him quite a few degrees of freedom, but within a stabilizing and protective framework.
Freedom within limits
A democratic atmosphere does not mean that there are no limits of laws at home, but that the laws are built with respect.
If you feel that this idea is not implemented smoothly, that your children have no value for toys or respect for your sleeping hours, they do not cooperate when you ask them for something and expect compensation for any frustration they experience, you should check your personal position towards
boundaries
.
Sometimes, the word "border" creates a negative connotation for us, perhaps of a concrete barrier or guards with drawn automatic rifles, but a border can also be invisible, if we accept it with understanding and respect, and make it a part of us.
To ensure order at home, and to create a sense of stability and logic that does not require us and our children to reinvent ourselves every day, you can follow the road map to boundaries and rules:
1.
Find out
what is important to you
What actions do we appreciate in each other, what values does someone who serves as an inspiration to us hold, what values were reflected in the action I took that I am proud of?
2. Check what from the list of values that came up (familiality / respect / faith / mutual help / humor / creativity / innovation / courage / generosity), you want to see in the children's behavior, today and in 20 years, and what will prepare them for a beneficial integration into the circles of life (family future, society and work)?
3.
Create
a list of up to 5-7 laws that are at the highest level of importance in your eyes.
Usually these will be basic rules derived from the values of health, safety and security of the child and the rest of the household, and they are indisputable.
4.
Formulate
the list in a positive and understandable way, while updating on the result of their violation.
5.
Mediate
the rules to the children, while connecting to the rationale behind them and provide training and training time if needed.
Do it in a respectful and pleasant conversation.
6. So that the rules become second nature, be
serious and consistent
when you talk about them for the first time or when you mention them when the limit is checked, and it will be checked.
7. Be prepared
to accommodate
As a solid rock the frustration of your children in front of the new legislation at home.
As long as it is an age-appropriate frustration, remember that you are fulfilling your role faithfully and training them to truly face life.
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5 mistakes that all parents make regarding boundaries
To the full article
Democracy begins at home
To feed the children's sense of value and meaning, include the young members of the household in the circle of decisions on issues that concern them (such as where to travel, what concept will be celebrated for a birthday, what will be the order of the weekly showers), and allow them to choose from options that are acceptable to you.
When they act according to the set issues, do not keep the pride only with you and encourage them for the positive behavior.
Sometimes, when you encounter tough opposition or rather a truly convincing monologue, you will pull out the explained flexibility card, according to which, you deviate from the law, make a different decision (not out of desperation or exhaustion) and if it is a one-off, explain why this time "yes" and the other times "no".
Today's laws will gradually become personal boundaries that will differentiate our children from other children or rather connect them with those who hold similar values, will allow them and us to live in security, knowing and with respect for everyone's personal space.
Democracy begins at home.
Keren Artzi is a parent and family facilitator certified by the Adler Institute and the Ministry of Education
health
parenthood
Tags
Family day
democracy
parenthood
Children
Limits