Afraid to set limits for children? This is how you will do it right Israel today

Being parents is hard.

We grow together with them from the moment they are born, so what is important is that the laws and rules according to which we want to raise them will be there from their first day and will be updated according to their age.

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Many times, a lack of boundaries occurs when parents find it difficult to provide boundaries.

The "undisciplined" children can still be managed, but when a child grows up and becomes a teenager, things can sometimes get out of control.

It is important to say that even if you start working with a child when he is already "grown up" - it is completely possible, even if he is 9, 14 or 20 years old.

Education from an early age will have a long-term effect (illustration), photo: Getty Images

Boundaries are a great thing

When I talk about boundaries, I intentionally say "granting" boundaries and not "setting" boundaries.

Boundaries are something important that help everyone understand what is expected of them and what are the social codes in any setting in which they find themselves.

It is important that we give children the boundaries from the age of zero, because with their help we explain to them what is expected of them at home, in kindergarten, at grandparents, etc.

We set the boundaries by laws and rules, so what's the difference?

A law is a law:

literally.

This is something that should never be crossed, no matter what.

For example: violence, doing something dangerous, behaving disrespectfully, etc.

Rule:

Unlike the law, the rule may change and is actually a "law" that is sometimes allowed to be broken and sometimes there will be consequences, and this is still something that the child can take into account.

For example: it is forbidden to take time in the evening getting ready for the night.

The child knew that if he chose to delay, the time would come at the expense of something else before bed, like a story.

There are rules that also change from place to place, for example when we explain to the children that in kindergarten it is forbidden to talk while eating, and at home this is actually the best time to talk.

How do you explain things to them?

(illustration), photo: Getty Images

Positive wording

We want our child, no matter what their age, to listen to us, and more importantly - that it comes from a constructive and not harsh place, which can only create a gap, so it is always important to be positive in front of our child.

Instead of telling the child "if you don't wear shoes, I won't go down to the garden with you", it is important that we tell him that "in order for us to go down to the garden, it is important that you wear shoes".

In the future, we will also talk like this to our teenagers, and tell them that in order to be able to go towards them in something they want, we need them to do something else that we require of them.

Boundaries for teenagers

It is important that we remember that even when our child is upset about everything we do, he needs us.

The parents are supposed to sail the ship.

We need to give the child a sense of security in who he is, help him be independent and make him know that we will always be there for him.

We are supposed to initiate the embarrassing conversations with the teenagers (for example about menstruation, porn movies, contraceptives and more), and we also need to give them the boundaries.

The way is the same, but we will adapt the conversation to the child's age.

We can certainly tell a teenager that in order for us to allow him to invite friends or even for us to allow him to take the family car, we expect him to, for example, do the housework, speak respectfully or whatever we feel we need from him.

It is also important that whenever we demand something from the child, we let him feel that we also see him.

For example: we can allow a teenager not to tidy up the room and explain to him that we respect his personal space, and in order for it to continue to be that way we expect him to respect our space, and not leave dishes or shoes in the living room.

In this way, we provide a limit, empower the child and show him that we see and feel him.

It's never too late (illustration), photo: Getty Images

Do not be scared

If we feel that we missed the deadline and did not give the children the boundaries when they were small, we will not be afraid to start doing so when they grow up.

If we feel that we no longer have control and that we may have "missed the train", we must go for guidance that will give us the tools not to fear that our children will be present in a way that will give them security.

The safe presence of the parents is essential for the child: he cannot feel that the parent is afraid of him or "can't control him".

This really does not mean that you should not be tough with the child, but quite the opposite: the boundaries can be granted to children from a constructive, believing and trusting place, and also from the place of experience, which children simply do not have at this stage of their lives.

The author is the owner of a clinic for family support, a tutor for parents of preschoolers and teenagers, a marriage counselor and a sleep counselor, a reporter and lecturer on marriage and parenting matters.

Also accompanies families with children with special needs. 

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