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Arguing by text as a couple: how much is beneficial, and from when it is harmful

2023-03-02T16:58:54.518Z


“Fexting” refers to the conduct of a conflict by SMS. For some couples, this practice can facilitate communication and prevent the tone from rising. But its use can also harm the relationship. Explanations.


As a couple, do you ever practice “fexting”?

Far from its cousin “sexting” (sending sexual text messages), this anglicism is the contraction of

fight-texting

, understand

combat texting,

and consists of leading an argument via SMS, therefore.

Recently, in May 2022, Jill Biden used the term in an interview given to

Harper's Bazaar 

magazine , indicating that she sometimes experiences it with United States President Joe Biden.

But does the "fexto" make a conversation less thorny or on the contrary more stormy?

Can we better express our emotions in writing, or are we missing out on an intimate dimension of heated conversation?

Read alsoDo you have to argue to make your relationship last?

On video, the ten secrets of couples that last

A beneficial physical distance?

At first glance, the writing induced by the dispute via SMS prevents the partners from giving in under the intensity of the emotions, from exploding, from raising their voices.

By being less polluted by feelings, it is obviously easier to keep a cool head and think rationally about the situation.

“When two people quarrel while facing each other, they each secrete and exchange neurotransmitters, comments Catherine Demangeot, couple therapist.

These chemical messengers exchanged when there is anger or annoyance add emotional intensity to the argument.”

Without having the other in front of you, you don't dwell on parasitic gestures either, ones you know too well and which exasperate.

“Mimicry, for example, can add to the irritation when the partner has hurt us, specifies Camille Rochet, psychologist, couple therapist and author of the book The five

beliefs that prevent being happy as a couple

(2).

Not having it in front of you allows you to take a step back and focus on the words.

Read also“Red flags”: 11 signs that show that this person is not made for you

The distance established by the exchange of messages offers time to work out one's thoughts, and sometimes allows one to be better understood.

The couple therapist Catherine Demangeot even recommends in some cases to communicate by email.

Less spontaneous, they give a more important dimension to the depths of his thought.

Writing can also help those for whom it is trying, if not impossible, to expose their vulnerability to their partner.

"Texting can help express what hurts us during the conflict, it forces us to think about what we feel, to show it to the other," suggests the specialist.

The risk of misunderstanding

Dispute by SMS, a miracle solution to avoid fiery conflicts?

To exchange in good intelligence?

To finally express what usually is you?

The story is far from being so simple.

And for good reason, by doing without gestures, we also do without expressions on the face, body movements, an attitude, a posture... In short, everything that allows information to be transmitted without that they are formulated.

Only the latter are sometimes essential to understanding the conversation or its issues, says psychologist Camille Rochet.

Faced with your smartphone, neutral answers or text messages left unanswered can make the situation worse

Catherine Demangeot, couple therapist

Furthermore, virtual communication leaves the field open to misunderstandings.

“In front of his smartphone, we interpret the messages of his partner and we make projections of what he or she may think, underlines Catherine Demangeot.

Neutral replies, or text messages left unanswered, can make the situation worse.”

The risk is also to send a message at the wrong time, then to wait for the response and to interpret the silence, to ruminate.

However, we do not know when the recipient will read our message, in what disposition he will be, what he feels at the moment T... the cocktail party is even more conducive to argument.

Without forgetting the (too) long messages, in which we get lost.

To avoid the pitfall, the psychologist Camille Rochet invites us to follow the following rule: if we have not understood each other after 20 minutes of written argument, we stop the exchanges to resume the conversation face-to-face. to face.

Clear up by text message, deepen in person?

That being said, the philosopher Maxime Rovère and author of the book

Wanting good and hurting yourself.

Philosophy of the dispute

(3), dares a clear-cut opinion.

According to him, “fexting” “is one of the riskiest means of communication we have today”.

He warns of the need to return to an embodied conversation at a slower pace.

"If the exchange by messages pushes us to see that it is better to speak to each other orally, so much the better!, he concludes, but let's not imagine that they will solve our couple problems."

Let's not imagine that the messages will solve our problems as a couple

Maxime Rovere, philosopher

If fexting can have certain advantages, to grow out of it, psychologist Camille Rochet still invites followers to come back to the conflict orally, even for five minutes, simply to make sure they have made themselves understood. .

In other words, “find out the big stuff by text message, then go in depth in person”.

And we can also remember the interest of a couple's argument, according to the philosopher: "a ''good argument'', if indeed it can be, is one that transforms the partners, the one that makes it possible to initiate a change”.

In video, the 6 pillars of sexually satisfied couples

(1) Catherine Demangeot is also the host of the podcast

Who loves me follows me

.


(2)

The five beliefs that prevent you from being happy as a couple

, by Camille Rochet, published by Larousse, 240 p., €16.95.


(3)

Wanting each other well and hurting each other.

Philosophy of the dispute

, by Maxime Rovère, Flammarion editions, 272 p., 18€.

Source: lefigaro

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