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Avoiding fights? It may cost you in the marital relationship Israel today

2023-03-02T10:11:31.768Z


Quarrels are unpleasant, but necessary to maintain the relationship • No screaming and threats, not in front of the children, and most importantly - maintain restraint • The expert explains


Quarrels are an exhausting and tiring thing, which may destabilize us, and make us see black in the eyes.

Despite this, fights are a natural thing, and are a significant part of any marital relationship.

If the couple never fights - this may be a sign that they don't care about the relationship and are in the stage of indifference, and we don't want to get there.

So what is everyone fighting about, how do you do it correctly, and how do you know you've overdone it?

Matrimonial counselor Mati Weinberg explains everything.

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You're not alone.

What is everyone arguing about?

  • Money:

    The main issue in most marital disputes is money.

    A lack of coordination in expectations and a different approach to financial management produces countless fights, frustrations and power struggles between spouses, which may also lead to financial violence.

    Money is a source of power, but it also serves as a source of comfort, and more than once there are couples where money "buys" the longed-for peace.



  • Intimate relationships:

    Another topic that burns for many couples is having sex.

    This is a charged topic, regarding which we can't always say what we want and coordinate expectations.

    It is also used as a source of power and control.

    For many couples, this is an unresolved issue, which leads to devastating long-term results.



  • Raising children and housework:

    sharing the burden on these issues produces countless small fights and cumulative frustration.

    Who will take the children out of kindergarten, who will do the shopping, and who will take out the trash.




  • Relationships with the family:

    Who doesn't know the constant fights about the relationship with the extended family?

    Where do you celebrate the Seder night, whose family do you go to for Shabbat meals, and who will win the barbecue on Independence Day?

    The relationship between the couple and the family increases especially before the holidays, each for their own reasons.

    Whether it is the intensity of the relationship with one party, or resistance to meeting the other party, it is an issue that creates tension and quarrels between the spouses.




  • Attention:

    Another burning issue is the way in which the couple experiences the relationship from the partner.

    Sometimes the couple feels that they have no one to talk to, that the partner doesn't see them, that they don't share things with each other, and sometimes you can even experience a feeling of loneliness, all of which can cause tensions and fights.

  • Romantic jealousy:

    this is an issue that could be a serious minefield in a relationship.

    Jealousy is a source of suspicion even for no reason, and the partner is forced to provide explanations for simple things and feels frustrated.

    The situation creates tension and from there the road to a fight is very short.

Most of the issues we have mentioned here are patterns of behavior, so these fights will repeat themselves over and over again.

Another thing that is important to note is that sometimes fights are an excuse for one of the parties to flood emotions, disappointments and frustrations, and even to get attention.

As we have already mentioned, quarrels are a legitimate and normal matter, but there is a point where the situation crosses the line, and it is necessary to seek professional treatment and get tools to properly deal with the problems that arise.

You need to know how to fight, photo: GettyImages

So how do you look at the fights?

To decide if the fights have crossed the line, we'll look at the following metrics.

What are the quarrels about, how often are they, the manner of the quarrel - are red lines crossed, such as physical or verbal violence?

And how long does it take to reconcile and return to a normal routine.

It is important to pay attention.

Sometimes the decision to avoid fights is harder than the choice to fight.

Such conduct shows that the relationship is unhealthy and one of the parties is afraid to express himself and his opinions.

The choice of silence and gathering intensifies the frustration and tension between the couple.

Sometimes by properly managing an argument, it is possible to create rapport and better communication, and it is important to pay attention to this matter as well.

Another important thing to pay attention to is choosing your wars.

Not every issue should be fought over, and it is important to pay attention not to get into the same fight over and over again.

Is there a topic that bothers you both?

Sit together, talk about it, come to an understanding and remove it from the agenda.

The quarrel can be postponed until tomorrow, photo: GettyImages

What should be avoided during an argument?

  • Keep your composure.

    Try not to reach high tones and unnecessary dramas that are not necessarily required for the subject of the quarrel.



  • Do not curse or insult.

    In the end, the person you love is in front of you.

    Also be very careful not to humiliate your partner, it is very difficult to get out of this place, it is usually a choice of a person who wants to prove and control his power.



  • Do not argue in public places.

    Manage the quarrel at home, and even there make sure not to manage it in front of the children, it may be a trauma for them that will affect them and scar them.



  • Include only yourselves in your quarrels.

    Do not involve family members, parents, brothers and sisters and other strangers, they are usually not a party to your dispute.

    Do not reveal what is happening between you to your friends and family, it usually does not contribute to either party, but only fuels curiosity and gossip.



  • Don't say things you don't mean.

    "Let's break up", "Let's divorce".

    There have already been cases where couples threw threats during fights, tried to intimidate or threaten, and in the end found themselves fulfilling this reality.



  • Do not escalate the quarrel with extreme measures.

    Leaving the house in the middle of the fight, or even sleeping in a separate room, will turn on red lights for the children as well, and may cause more damage.



  • Do not abandon.

    To get off the ladder don't run away from the fight.

    Running away may only intensify the problem.

    You can decide to stop the argument and continue it after you calm down, but don't leave the topic open.

What do you do during an argument?

  • Be business.

    Talk and focus on the topic that brought you to the fight, do not mention and relate past cases that are not relevant.

    Bringing up additional topics or cases from the past intensifies the quarrel and creates additional topics for dispute, this should be avoided.



  • Try to talk about yourself.

    Reflect on the situation from your side to try to generate understanding and empathy from the other side.

    Try not to attack, and choose the appropriate tone, the way you say things can have more impact than the content.

    Remember, a hurt person - will hurt others.



  • Control yourself.

    Try to control the nerves and emotions that erupt, and if you don't succeed, postpone the continuation of the quarrel until tomorrow, after you cool down, and think about what exactly you want to say.

    The timing of the argument also has an effect, and an argument in the middle of the night when you are tired or when someone has just returned from work, will not lead you to a good place.

It is possible to fight and come out stronger, photo: GettyImages

In conclusion, fights are not a pleasant business, but they can be a means of solving problems, and even bring you closer - if you behave properly and listen to each other.

Quarrels are a normal part of any relationship, and the main question is how to manage and normalize them, without reaching extreme situations.

If we know how to manage them, we will gain a good and respectful relationship, and we can even improve our quality of life by overcoming the disputes, from which you will come out stronger.

The writer is a counselor and a couple and personal therapist

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Source: israelhayom

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