Ovidie: "Sex with men is too restrictive and disappointing, some women no longer want to force themselves"

Sexual intercourse consented out of politeness, optional pleasure, the all too rare enjoyment, boredom, simulation, uncomfortable positions, hours of preparation with great strokes of epilators, cystitis the next day, hours of sports on an empty stomach for sticking to the criteria of beauty and being desired… Here is a sample of what the director Ovidie has known and no longer wants, to the point of stopping sex with men.

In her book

, published on March 16 by Julliard, the author recounts her heterosexuality strike which began four years ago.

One day, I could not any more , summarizes it in prologue.

A rejection of too heavy an investment for so little in return, she believes.

Too often referred to her past as a porn actress, this Doctor of Literature and Film Studies has been questioning above all the body, feminisms and sexualities for 15 years through documentaries and radio documentary series (we will retain, among others, Where the

(2018), for which she received the Amnesty International prize for best documentary, her investigation into obstetrical violence,

 (2019), or recently the animated mini-series

, on Arte.tv, co-written with Sophie-Marie Larraouy, to help women free themselves from sexual dictates).

In this text with accents of outlet and sometimes violent words that do not hide anger, Ovidie confides his exhaustion in the face of a sexuality governed by relations of domination.

She retraces the years that led her to free herself from the gaze of men, to stop manhandling herself for the sole purpose of being desired, in order,

, to gain freedom.

In video, the trailer of the documentary “Sex education option”

Madame Figaro.-

It wasn't four years of total abstinence, first because I didn't have the will to abstain and didn't hold back from anything at all, and then because I had two sexual encounters with men during this period.

At first, it was more of a spacing out of reports.

One day I realized that it had been three months since I had sex with a man, then I realized that those three months had turned into six months, then nine, then a year... In the end, I believe that I truly withdrew from sexuality with men when I realized that it no longer brought me anything.

That's to say ?

I do think that we women fuck in exchange for something, for love, for revaluation, but quite rarely for our own pleasure.

And it turns out that I don't need the validation of men, I'm independent from every point of view, so they have nothing to give me.

In reality, heterosexuality cost me too much.

I withdrew from sexuality with men when I realized that it no longer brought me anything

Ovidia

You sum up the situation like this:

“

”

All the preparations for a sexual relationship with a man are a problem for me, all this dance of seduction, this time before an appointment devoted to waxing, applying nail polish, choosing lingerie... Not to mention the after report, the painful after-sales service, to deal with cystitis or fungal infections.

I can't stand all the cost of being a woman, these injunctions, this harm that we do to our bodies to remain beautiful.

I find that the game is not worth the candle, that sexuality with men requires too much investment for so little in return, for a feminine pleasure that is too often optional.

Read alsoJudith Duportail: "I made the decision never to sleep again out of politeness"

By stopping sex with men, did you feel marginalized?

The marginality is there in the sense that I'm a bit young to close up shop.

At 42, I'm at the expiry date, people still consider me, they tell themselves that I have good leftovers, society considers that I can still serve.

As a woman, my primary function is not to work or even to be a mother, but to be desirable.

So in that, when you get out of sexuality, you feel marginal, off the mark.

Media cultural productions such as series, pubs and even some jokes are no longer intended for us;

we no longer feel concerned.

Leaving sexuality, we also realize that it has infused all our social interactions.

There is a permanent game of seduction.

I observe it in my work,

when a producer has an unbuttoned button during a meeting with a broadcaster or blinks… This does not mean that all our bosses want to sleep with us but rather that we are always potentially considered as a target.

There is like a promise of an unconsummated relationship.

Do you miss sex with men?

No.

What I miss is the touch, the tenderness, a hug in front of a film, a desexualized contact.

And I'm not sure that all men are able to have a relationship with a woman without her being sexualized.

When we have a physical relationship that is too tender, too close, the risk is too great that the person will want to kiss us, that it will degenerate.

So even if I miss the touch, I don't prefer to take the risk, I'm not ready for what's to come.

"The flesh is sad alas", by Ovidie Ed.

Julliard

What is your vision of men?

I hate them in bed.

Around me, there are men whom I love madly, friendships of very long dates, men whom I esteem at the highest point in the work, for example.

But the problem remains the same: from the moment we enter a sexual dimension, when they close the bedroom door, these “good” men are no longer the same, equality no longer interests them. at all and I find them disappointing, disgusting.

We were raised to please, to satisfy each other, and sometimes even to fuck out of politeness

Ovidia

How do you respond to those who will object that all men are not like that?

Of course, I haven't tried them all!

Still, nothing has proven to me the opposite of what I write, neither my own experience, nor what my friends tell me, nor what strangers confide in me for all these years of work on these questions.

Of course, not all of them are ill-intentioned, but they don't realize what sex is like with them.

Because we weren't told and because we weren't taught how to say it.

In this regard, you write that the problem is that women accept without revolt to have to satisfy the other, without demanding anything in return.

We were brought up to please, to think about what we could do to satisfy the other, and sometimes even to fuck out of politeness.

We weren't taught to have fun.

Moreover, society makes us understand that our objective in life is to find a man, to make a couple and to do everything to maintain it.

I think there is in us a fear of no longer being desired and that the other will go elsewhere, so we accept being badly fucked, that our pleasure is optional and worse, we make the other believe that 'we like it to flatter our ego.

It is in this sense that I say that we are accomplices, that women are in voluntary servitude.

And we even managed to fool ourselves, when we say “I wax, but it's for me”, “I want to lose weight, but it's for me”, it's wrong!

We submit to these injunctions to please.

If we did things for us, we'd eat chips and we wouldn't dye our hair.

Did you blame yourself for having accepted what you now refuse?

Yes.

Working on issues of feminism and sexuality for over 20 years, I blame myself for wasting so much time, for accepting things I shouldn't have accepted, for bending over four to please men who did not deserve it, who were otherwise good men but who did not return the favor to me.

I feel anger towards myself and resentment towards other women who, like me, submitted to this.

We accept being badly fucked, that our pleasure is optional and worse, we make the other believe that we like it to flatter his ego

Ovidia

You say that things are changing, that we are experiencing a civilizational break since the Metoo movement...

Yes, the lines are moving and the strength of the resistance opposite proves it;

for women and feminists speaking out on social media, it has never been more violent than it is right now.

This Metoo movement goes far beyond sexual violence.

Since 2017, I feel a disenchantment.

We started to rethink the couple, to deconstruct sexuality.

The politicization of intimacy leads women to tell themselves that they simply don't want to anymore.

When I speak on these issues, I receive a lot of messages from some who question themselves, think about more equality in the couple.

And I believe that sex with men is too restrictive and disappointing, and that some do not want to force themselves anymore.

Read alsoShe wants, he doesn't: among men, the great taboo of low libido

Your book also questions the place of sex in the couple.

You say that we are tortured by the idea that a couple without sexuality is not one.

According to you, sex is not the cement of the relationship?

No, I believe it is not.

Some couples feel perfectly fine, share a lot, and have sex once a month or once every two months.

Conversely, others sleep together and are not in unconditional love.

There is a real injunction to fuck.

When we don't, we feel abnormal.

I happened to have a discussion with a friend who complained that her partner hadn't touched her for a month.

I then asked her if she missed it, she replied “no, but still”.

I replied “if you don't miss it, what's the problem?”.

She replied “that means he doesn't want me”.

And that's the whole problem.

Many couples panic when sex becomes scarce, when desire disappears.

Some even separate, concluding that if there is no more desire,

is that there is no more love.

I think that's a mistake.

Before panicking, we need to rethink our patterns.

There is a real injunction to fuck.

Many couples panic and break up when sex becomes scarce, desire disappears.

I think that's a mistake.

Ovidia

How can we review our patterns for a more egalitarian heterosexuality?

If I had the solution, I wouldn't be on strike for 4 years (laughs)!

I believe that it would already be enough to start by getting out of heteronormativity, to put an end to the representations turned around coitus.

We have to challenge the idea that sex starts with an erection and ends with ejaculation.

That alone would be a huge step.

I believe that we can rectify the situation and hope for a more egalitarian heterosexuality.

It will not be for my generation but for the following ones.

The philosopher Manon Garcia (

"

"

) told me recently “we did all the gymnastics possible, now it's up to the men to move”.

All is said.

But they still have to want it.

As long as they don't move, we will be in an endless war of the sexes.

A tie is possible, provided both want to play.

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