Sibling feud (Photo: ShutterStock)
There is no parent who does not know this moment when a fight between siblings starts to flare up.
It happens really fast and without us noticing, the tones rise and the hands join the mess and we are required to react immediately.
Then, you find yourself standing between them both, shouting, angry, separating and starting to understand who started and what happened and to determine who is guilty and who will receive punishment.
In short - you start managing the event, but at the same time you also become a significant part of it.
Nega Hila Mutana
- parent and family instructor explains that the idea in fights between siblings is to be involved but not interfere.
The difference between intervention and involvement is that in intervention you are trying to solve their problem, you will usually take a position, say who is right and who is wrong, you will get the title "the judge".
In involvement, we start from the premise that there are two truths, two sides, two points of view and we are not here to judge, but to mediate and help them learn to get along.
There are many things here that can be taught through mediation:
ü listen and allow the other side to finish what he said
ü learn to express our feelings and give them legitimacy, recognition and validity
ü learn to respect the feelings of the other and his point of view, even though it is different from mine
ü learn to communicate our things outwardly in order to reach a compromise and a solution through dialogue Attentive and respectful
ü to draw lessons and make a projection for conflicts in future relationships, both between siblings and between friends and
for you dear parents, with all the anger, nerves, lack of references at times that surrounds you, it is important that you see the interaction between them as part of learning important social skills for life.
These fights are an integral part of our child's development.
They learn to know themselves through the environment, in our case - through the brother or sister,
through those fights and providing the right tools on your part - they will also be able to learn to get along outside the home, in any future fight or conflict.
so what are we doing?
How do we get involved and not get involved?
What tools can be given to them and how is it recommended to act?
First of all, it is important that you check with yourself -
· Do you know how to confront?
· Do you avoid conflicts?
· Or face them?
· What does it evoke in you?
Most of the time, the way you conduct yourself will be reflected in front of your children and sometimes you will have to learn to manage a conflict at the same time that you teach your children.
Below are some important principles that apply your method of involvement as part of the mediation of the conflict:
It is a parallel listening process that includes two main stages -
1) joining your child's experience and then - 2) leading towards the solution:
1. First, rules are established for the conversation: "When one speaks - The other is listening", even if it is really difficult because what one brother says sounds to the sister who is listening - not true.
* You can use the accessory that the person who holds it - talks until you pass it to another
2. We will listen to each child in turn with sincere curiosity, both to the content and to "between the lines" - to the way things are said.
3. Validate each child's feelings and emotions by repeating what they said "I hear you say she took the game from you in the middle you were playing with?"
4. We will reflect what we experience from the tone, from the body language, as part of giving the validity and the feeling that "I am seen".
*In reflection we both mediate and finalize the emotions (=give the emotion a name): "I see that this makes you very angry."
Naming an emotion helps us feel safe and understood.
5. We will try to identify the needs that have been violated for each child, with clarifying reservations and say out loud what we understand and ask: "Was it important for you to play with this game first?"
Or: "Was it unpleasant for you that she took you in the middle of your game?"
6. Give emotional legitimacy to the experience that each child described using empathetic sentences like: "It's really an unpleasant feeling to be taken in the middle" / "It's really disappointing that you expect to play first in the game and it doesn't happen in the end" 7. We will understand and accommodate, and not ask "why?"
.
We will not try to downplay, reduce, cancel or repel the emotions that our child is overflowing with.
Give the feeling that it's okay to feel everything.
Many brothers (Photo: ShutterStock)
It is very important that during the mediation and mediation phase you check with each party:
"Is he aware that she feels this way? Was this your intention?"
Encouraging listening, overflowing with awareness of what was aroused in the other party - produces close listening and communication and these are important skills in any relationship.
So far these are the joining steps and we will do the same for each of the children.
From here, we move on to the lead stage.
Depending on the age of the children - we will think together and offer an idea for mediation and a solution, but it will be in cooperation, with active listening and not something that comes only from you to end it.
You can ask each side "What do you propose to do now?";
"What idea do you think might be good for both of you?"
The more you manage the process in an empathetic, attentive and inclusive way, the more your child will learn how to behave with empathy towards themselves and their environment.
There is a whole learning process here that is important to pay attention to.
True, it takes time, and we don't always have requests and strength, but if we keep in our heads the knowledge that now we are investing so that in the future they will be able to operate on their own - it will be worth the effort.
This learning can be replicated for other relationships in other settings - in kindergarten, in class, at a family meeting, or at a playground with a random child.
The goal is not only to have peace and comfort in the short term, the goal is in the long term - to give children social skills so that they know how to find a way to communicate with themselves and outside the world and conduct themselves within social frameworks and future relationships in their adult lives as well.
By:
Nega Hila Mutana
Parent and Family Coach, NLP Facilitator, Holistic Children's Therapist and Marriage Counselor
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