For decades, women have conquered new spaces in society. They are no longer relegated only to domestic chores but, without ceasing to take care of household chores, they were professionalized. They even represent a majority in universities and work practically on a par with men. However, many of them cannot avoid the "bad mother syndrome".
The problem opens another question: Why do men not consider this discomfort? Do they not have the same obligations and responsibilities? Can't they feel "bad parents"?
According to the latest Time Use Survey published in 2022 by Indec, men spend, on average, 3.4 hours per day to household and care tasks; while women spend 6.3 hours, that is, almost three hours more.
Perhaps that's why, faced with the dynamic multitasking, 9 out of 10 women feel "bad mother" at some point in their motherhood. This is revealed by a survey conducted on the Instagram account @mami.tasking, a community created by Victoria Pardo (33) and Johanna Gambardella (37), which already has more than 83,000 members.
What is "bad mother syndrome"? It is a set of feelings, ideas and sensations associated with a negative self-concept as a mother. It involves the belief that you are not able to meet the needs of your children or fulfill your responsibilities. Beta Suárez, the creator of the first Latino blog that tells motherhood in a disruptive way, defines it as the social mandate of what a "good mother" should be.
The term is not recognized as an official clinical diagnosis. However, in daily clinical practice, the mother is accompanied in the self-evaluation of her beliefs and values, to explore the socio-psychological factors that may be influencing her behavior and analyze the origin by which she is perceived as a "bad mother".
"Instead of labeling women, it is important to offer support and treatment so that they can develop skills and resources to improve their relationship with their children. The family is a team in constant change and learning in which each member must fulfill a role and take responsibilities. There is nothing that is right for everyone," explains Alexis Alderete, a specialist in Anxiety Disorders and Skills Training, in dialogue with Clarín.
For Pablo Muñoz, psychoanalyst and professor at the Faculty of Psychology of the UBA, in our society it is usual for the maternal function to coincide with the biological or adoptive mother of the child, although, he admits, that is not always the case.
"There should be social separation so that women who are biological mothers do not feel the pressure of having to coincide with the demands placed on them. The bad mother syndrome occurs when the exercise of the maternal function contradicts personal desires, "he reflects.
Adriana Guraieb is a psychologist at the International Psychoanalytic Association. "For centuries, being a mother has been considered the ultimate realization of women. This sacred and biblical mandate still has a very deep weight in the culture that implies always putting one's own needs first, renouncing or postponing desires, objectives and goals," he tells this media.
"The conquests that women achieve in so many areas are blurred in the effective exercise of motherhood, between the extremes of side B and side A, between fundamentalisms and what we should or should not do," Suárez outlines.
How does this syndrome impact women?
"Today, women have multiple and varied social roles, but many feel lacking. Today, there is more parity in the upbringing of children, although the mandate that the maternal function is exercised by the mother remains latent," says Muñoz.
For her part, Alderete reflects: "Mothers can feel overwhelmed by the responsibility of caring for their children. This can lead to emotional distancing and affect psychological development, relationship with your partner and your ability to maintain an active social life."
And he adds: "Although today there is also talk of the role of the father in the daily upbringing of children, the social demand for parenting points directly to women, beyond the spaces that women have gained over the years."
Voices of different mothers
Without filter, five mothers share with Clarín their experiences, showing the B side that nobody tells.
Rita Vanni (40) is a doula, childcare provider and psychoanalyst. She experienced the "bad mother syndrome" with the arrival of her second daughter and the job expansion she went through a couple of years later. "Mothering and working places a brutal demand on us women. I think the bad mother syndrome is pulsatile: we go in and out of there facing the challenges imposed on us by the different stages of our children's growth," she says convinced.
This discomfort impacts with a burden of guilt. The experience every time he raises his voice more than he should and notices an expression of displeasure in his children. "They are micro-moments when something overflows. At other times, it's about not being able to do everything, and then the bad mother is the one who can't sit down and play," he says.
Rita Vanni (40) is a doula, childcare provider and psychoanalyst
What social demands weigh most heavily on you? "To maternal as if I did not work, to work as if I did not work. This puts me in check when I have to exempt myself from daily chores in order to accompany the arrival of a baby, or breastfeeding in distress, "he says.
Does the social demand for upbringing point directly to women? "Yes, because we were born, raised and mothered from the social mandate of motherhood as a point of arrival at the fulfillment of women. So, we are responsible for, for example, the way we want to give birth and the type of food we want to provide our child. Our responsibility should be to respect our desire for more real motherhood and fewer value judgments about our choices."
Daniela Calzadilla (35) is an event decorator. He assures that almost every day he experiences this discomfort. "It was a titanic task to get it to latch onto the. I remember that loneliness and evil feeling of not being good enough and having a horrible pain in my breasts, full of milk, with my nipples shattered and in the background the cry of my baby of days hungry. Also, the overwhelming noise of the comments of "try, do it like this" and still not be enough, "he illustrates.
Daniela Calzadilla (35) is an event decorator.
"Once you get past this stage, another one starts that shakes you again. The fact of having a job that does not have a normal schedule, which limits me a lot in being able to dedicate quality time to Amelia, makes me carry that guilt and feeling of bad mother, "he confesses.
"My husband and I agree that seeing our daughter happy and healthy is a reminder that we are doing the right thing. The chaos, criticism and social rules are minor compared to our instinct, only we know what is important.
Leticia Balbachan (39) is a lawyer and single mother. She tells this medium that she felt the worst mother in the world when her son was born because she could not feed him. "I didn't lose much milk and I lost weight. At one of the check-ups they told me I was on my way to malnutrition and I left the clinic crying. Everything changed when a pediatrician told me that this was solved with mixed breastfeeding and the only thing my son needed was for me to be well, "she recalls.
Leticia Balbachan (39) is a lawyer and single mother
As for the demands, he points out: "What overwhelms me the most is not so much related to a social demand but to my own. I have to work a lot so that my son doesn't lack anything. But when I see his smile I think I'm not doing too badly."
For María Fernanda Arias (39), psychologist, this syndrome devalues women and makes them experience impotence because they feel that they are not in control of anything. "It can be very dangerous and lead to a serious mood disorder if you don't get help in time," he says. She experienced it for the first time the day she returned to work with a 5-month-old baby girl.
"When I have to continue working at home with my cell phone, she realizes she's not having my attention. I feel this way because I perceive that, when I enjoy my work, my desire goes beyond her, while she was waiting for me to play for a while," she acknowledges.
María Fernanda Arias is a psychologist and is 39 years old
He feels at fault and goes through episodes of guilt intermittently. But he seeks help from his inner circle. "I try to pay it off by making the task of mapping more equitable," he says.
The self-demand that weighs most heavily on her is to work and have to perform 100% as if she were not a mother. "I think I have to be able to do everything and I do it, despite my physical and mental health," he says.
However, she says that going out to work allows her to give her daughter an image of an independent and empowered woman. "I think it's still hard to debunk the myth that a woman was born to have children. Whoever chooses to be a mother must bear the sacrifice involved in parenting," she says.
Lupe Duarte (40), freelance web designer, is the mother of 3 children (16, 11 and 8). She confirms that at some point, at all stages of motherhood, she perceives herself as a bad mother.
"I couldn't give the boob and that made me feel 'failed'. With teenagers at home, the bad mother shows up whenever they get angry or roll their eyes. I see it in every situation that I can't control because it happens away from home. It seems that the syndrome never disappears, it mutates as they grow and new situations appear. The belief that "the mother can do everything" is really exhausting, because it is humanly impossible," he explains to Clarín.
Lupe Duarte (40), freelance web designer, is the mother of 3 children (16, 11 and 8)
The big backpack of guilt and self-flagellation represent its greatest impact. It takes refuge in its containment network. "It is essential to detach ourselves from all the labels imposed on us by society," he says.
"The gaze is always on us. A father in a square, in the supermarket, eating with his children is synonymous with a good father. A mother doing the same thing is simply doing what she should do. No one calls a man who goes out on a Saturday night a bad father. In the same situation, the mother is asked who she left the children with," he says.
"I do the best I can and always from love" to relieve that backpack of guilt, demand and prejudice, he repeats like a mantra.
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