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When choosing to enter a romantic relationship, we like to think that we know exactly why we are doing it, but psychologists estimate that most people choose between a partner because of one of two main factors – either they are in love and choose to bond out of full faith in their love, or they are lonely and do so out of fear of being alone.
Each of us is the main star within our own love story. And from such a position, it is not always easy to see the picture objectively and really understand the motives that led us to choose our other half. So to help you get a slightly different perspective, you should start by asking yourself the right questions and answering them with the utmost honesty.
Dr. Mark Travers is an American psychologist who has published an article on the subject in Forbes magazine. In order to understand the nature of our relationships, he says, we should examine three main questions:
1. Do we really behave as we feel like within the relationship?
People who enter relationships out of fear of being alone will not feel comfortable being authentic and genuine within the relationship. Dr. Travers explains that this tendency stems from a fear of losing a partner if they discover our "true face." In such a situation, there is a tendency to change the behavior in order to be more pleasant, to reflect values similar to those of the partner or to avoid quarrels at all costs.
When this happens, instead of having fun together, every decision you make, consciously or unconsciously, is motivated by considerations designed to preserve the relationship at all costs. Thus, when constantly trying to adapt to the expectations of the other side, we neglect our wants and needs, which over time can intensify negative emotions that try to suppress and hide.
In an extensive study that examined many data collected on partners all over the world, it was found (not surprisingly) that successful relationships are those in which both partners manage to maintain their individuality within the relationship. In order to understand if this is the case for you, it is worth checking whether one of you is trying to influence the opinions and desires of the other, whether one side is having trouble dealing with challenges and friction, and whether you really feel comfortable being weird, irritable and "crazy" at times.
2. Do we always have to be together to be happy?
When you love, it's most fun to spend a lot of time together and disconnected from the world. In such a situation, any breakup can seem difficult and this is a natural and quite enjoyable part of the romantic relationship. This tendency is natural and common in many people, but it is important to identify whether it is stronger than usual, or even unbearable.
If you feel empty and depressed when your partner isn't around and if you believe you can't be happy without them, it may be more indicative of fear over love. As mentioned, the expectation to be together as much as possible, as well as the longing and anticipation are positive emotions, but in order for the relationship to really be healthy and growing, it is worth understanding how we conduct ourselves separately and if this is something we can withstand.
One of the signs of a relationship that may be struggling is the difficulty of "sharing" your partner with others, even when it comes to friends or family. This tendency can indicate a dependence that is important to address and understand what is behind it.
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3. How much jealousy is felt in the relationship?
Jealousy, it is important to understand, can also be a positive emotion, indicating in many cases healthy love. Studies even show that jealousy in a relationship can be a positive force that increases the level of emotion and intimacy between partners. However, one study conducted on this elusive emotion found that when jealousy is expressed in severe mistrust of the partner, it can indicate a fear of abandonment that may damage the relationship and actually create distance and tension over time.
Signs that can indicate unhealthy jealousy include, among other things, a tendency to rummage through your partner's belongings, check your cell phone, ask lots of questions about any man or woman who shows interest in them, and try to isolate them from the rest of the world. Any such action, even if it is done uncontrollably and without ill intent, is likely only to distance, frustrate and damage the trust that is so necessary within the relationship.
In general, it is important that we all always strive to understand what is really behind our habits and behaviors, both to learn more about ourselves and to improve our relationships. And if we are in a relationship that is motivated by fear rather than love - first of all you should avoid self-judgment, but simply continue to investigate to understand why this is happening. Experience shows that those brave enough to examine these unpleasant and challenging aspects of their personality are the ones who over time will be able to build healthier relationships, even if in the past they didn't exactly excel at it.
- health
- psychology
Tags
- parity
- relationship