"My name is Anat from Tel Aviv (not my real name), married with three children and I really don't want to divorce my husband, but I can't anymore. My mother-in-law hates me and never stops fighting between me and my husband. I haven't come to her for a long time, but my husband comes back loaded and poisoned. I feel that every time he comes back to me, he hates me and it takes us a while to repair our relationship. My husband says it's nonsense but I know what's going on. I'm really desperate. What should I do?"
A fraught relationship, photo: GettyImages
Most studies show that there is no chance of a good relationship between a bride and mother-in-law. But there is also good news, it turns out that there are many brides and mothers-in-law, who have built wonderful relationships of healthy relationships with each other.
On Shavuot, we read the Book of Ruth. This is actually the first story to describe sisterhood. Brotherhood of bride and mother-in-law. Ruth insists on sticking to Naomi by saying, "Your people are my people and your God is your God," and returns with her to Bethlehem to the land of Judah.
Anat's question is attended by the wife, mother-in-law and husband-son. We have a triangle here. A loaded and complex triangle that requires delicate and dignified disassembly.
The root of the controversy
It must be remembered that a mother raises her son, feeds, waters and takes care of all his needs and hopes with all her heart that her son will find a worthy partner. Immediately after marriage, many mothers feel that they are being pushed into a corner and that they are no longer vital, that the young woman takes her place and takes her place.
Many mothers-in-law begin to ask themselves, consciously or unconsciously, whether the inexperienced young woman can even take care of her son, is she deliberately distancing? As a result of these questions, friction and even severe disconnections can arise.
On the other hand, many brides feel threatened and will try to push the mother-in-law out of their home. In extreme situations, a conflict will begin in which the husband often feels helpless and feels in the middle.
It is important to remember that motherly love and wife love are two separate paths and there is room for a son to both continue to love and respect his mother and love his wife. The loves are not contradictory and it is possible to establish wonderful relationships with both parties.
Some of the most important tasks of couples who marry are separating from their families of origin and building an independent and separate family. It turns out that many daughters-in-law and mother-in-law fight among themselves, while the husband-son often finds himself between the hammer and the anvil.
A husband-son doesn't always have power either, Photo: GettyImages
Bread and bread tips
Tips for the bride
And finally, to our Anat's question. Anat, go to your mother-in-law directly. Don't despair. Don't do it through your husband. Break up that triangle. Tell her you want to straighten things out and find out what hurts her? Find out if there is a certain sensitivity? Try to patiently understand what she is asking for? Remember that she may feel ignored, she may feel that she is losing her son, even if he is an adult.
And to you, dear mother-in-law, if you read or hear us, appreciate the bride's attempt to straighten things out and go towards her. Tell her honestly what bothers you, don't whitewash things. If you are offended, talk to your daughter-in-law and offer her meetings of both of you once in a while for a direct conversation about feelings and things that bother her.
Last but not least, go to the husband-son, who stands in the middle and feels times between the hammer and the anvil, I know you are desperate and maybe you don't have the strength either. Go to your mother and try to straighten things out, remind her that you loved her and that you can make a plan that will allow all parties to enjoy you.
Remember, within the triangle of a mother-in-law bride and a son, there is room for everyone.
Dr. Ronit Sharon is a lecturer at the Hebrew University. She manages a relationship institute for couples and individual therapy with branches nationwide.
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