You must respect the space, needs and desires of each individual child (Photo: ShutterStock)
It usually begins with competition and coercion to share, but it is significant and likely to be long – a child's relationship with his siblings is one of the most important he will have in life, and you as parents have a role to play in establishing it. The relationship between siblings depends on their age at a given time and the difference between them, as well as the behavior of the parents and the character of each of them. They range from warmth, caring and love on the one hand, to competitiveness and jealousy on the other. In the first years of their life together, siblings are forced to share almost everything possible - in the shared space, in the various games, and in the limited parental resource that is the main quarrel and competition between them over who gets the parents' attention, when, how and how much.
Parent counselorDana Chuvashexplains that in order to delve deeply and understand the complexity of the relationship between siblings, it is necessary to observe and recognize the role that each child perceives for himself in the family and the way in which the parents accept him compared to his siblings. In his early years, the toddler tries to understand what is his unique place, the one that will make him feel loved, valuable, meaningful and belonging to the family. He draws conclusions from parental experiences and reactions, and through his interpretation, compared to his brother and his place in the home, he sees reality and through it experiences the relationship between him and his brother. It is the parental reactions to him and his siblings that intensify or damage their relationship.
How can you help strengthen the relationship between siblings?
So it's true that you can't force them to be best friends, or friends at all, but you can teach them to be respectful of each other and empathize. Here are some ways to help you implement this:
See each child on its own You must respect the space, needs and desires of each child in their own
right. The relationship of respect between you and each of your children is the modeling you want them to see, learn and apply to their relationship.
Show them a respectful
parental relationship if you live in a couple, demonstrate to them a relationship based on mutual respect for each other's desires and values, listening, equality, cooperation and friendship. When a couple engages in quarrels, competitiveness, power struggles and control over the heads of the children, they learn that this is the way to resolve differences in life, and this is how they will behave in front of their siblings.
Stick to quality time with each child separately
Some call it a "mom class" or a "dad class," which means quality time that each child gets with each parent individually. Proactive personal attention strengthens the sense of belonging and gives the feeling that the child's place in the family is secure, meaning that he has no need to fight for it with his siblings.
Avoid comparisons, generalizations, and labels Beyond the fact that comparisons, labels or generalizations
detract from the child's worth, they create frustration, competitiveness, and anger towards the sibling: Is he a better child than me? Love him more? Does he eat better than me? Is he a mother's child? So what am I? Where is my place in the family? Despite the natural tendency - avoid it.
Empower and strengthen them when you recognize beautiful
moments Did you catch the children playing together? Sharing and sharing? Empathic towards each other? Encourage and amplify these moments, so they know they are being seen and reinforced for such desirable behavior.
Don't take a stand when the brothers quarrel with each
other? Don't rush to intervene. Separate them, of course, to avoid physical harm, but talk to both as one, contain and listen to them. When they call you, hear what they say and tell them that you trust them to be able to resolve the dispute on their own. If it's a toddler-baby relationship, tell the toddler, "We don't hit us in our house" or "We don't kidnap," and keep the baby away. In this way, he will learn that you will guard him in the same way when necessary.
A rupture has formed? This
section applies to toddlers with whom there is already clear communication: If you feel that there is a rift in the relationship between siblings, sit with them in a calm time for a conversation and help them have a respectful dialogue. Teach them how to tapIn an empathetic way, present ways to resolve the conflict and help them choose it for themselves.
While you'd like your kids to be best friends, it's not certain that this will happen and it's not up to you. What does depend on you is the norms you teach them to follow. You may feel like you're making an effort, but the relationship between siblings is still far from what you'd like to see, and at this point it's important to remember that learning is a process that takes time. Be patient and consistent with your children and show yourself a lot of empathy for them.
You can't force them to be best friends, but you can teach them to be respectful of each other (Photo: ShutterStock)
The Jama app was established in order to provide a solution for mothers of babies between birth and age three, and to gather content, activities, tips from experts and videos that will accompany them throughout this challenging period. All the content in the app "grows" together with the baby and is precisely adapted to his developmental stages, so that mothers receive only what is relevant to them and interests them at any given moment.
The Jama app is the place for mothers in Israel to meet and meet other mothers around them, and create new and exciting friendships on this fascinating journey.
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Daniel Sarantzky, in association with JAMA
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