In the State of Israel in 2022, a worrying statistic has been recorded: every third couple in the country is divorcing. According to the Central Bureau of Statistics, there has been an alarming upward trend in the number of divorces in recent years, which makes us ask – has the institution of marriage become less relevant over the years?
There are quite a few reasons for burnout, such as lifestyle changes, ease of breaking conventions, the proliferation of new frameworks of what is defined as a modern family, the demand for quick gratification among the younger generation, and the main issue, which seems to connect all the reasons together – marital communication.
Couples communication is the most significant component of a relationship that directly affects the couple's chances of overcoming the statistics – and staying happily married.
Moments of crisis, photo: GettyImages
The lack of understanding of the importance of communication within a couple-family relationship is a significant basis for the decision to dismantle the home. The high figure attests to the relative ease that has prevailed in recent years, in this significant decision, and most couples do not understand that all that is required to save the relationship and themselves from themselves is to make a "version update" to the relationship.
Alongside the couples who decide on divorce, there are also many couples who live their lives out of frustration and not knowing how to change their situation. Some even create for themselves the belief that this is how the relationship works over the years for "everyone."
Their burnout may only add them to the circle of statistics, mainly because they do not have the tools and rules required in the framework of couple communication in order to create the right platform for a proper, respectful and loving relationship based on sharing. This is a faulty thinking and perception of their situation. Usually, each and every one sees things as individuals and not as a couple, which leads to incorrect analysis of interests, and especially to poor interpretation that leads to crises. This creates a situation in which their entire decision-making process is based on a narrow, self-interested and egoistic view.
Know how to manage the crisis
For them, many couples are in crisis, not as a result of a dramatic event such as financial collapse or severe infidelity, but as a result of misunderstanding and misanalysis of their problems. They know how to say that they fight over every little thing, but they don't know how to put their finger on the reason. In many cases, they have a couple conversation, presupposing what their partner will say about them and not giving him a chance to express himself.
Such an interpretation is a product of the communication problem that exists among many couples, a lack of interaction and self-expression. Many couples do not regularly hold conversations with their partner, thus creating gaps in their knowledge and misconceptions, which increases anger, frustration and dissatisfaction, which can later create physical and mental distancing. Another thing they are not aware of or choose not to take responsibility at a critical time and that is the decision to see a couples therapist, the mistaken thought that things will disappear on their own or resolve over time is wrong and can even aggravate the situation and the desire to try to solve a crisis or relationship that has run aground.
Common problems
Many studies have found that couples report problems in various areas, ranging from verbal and physical abuse, to conflicts over personality traits and behavior patterns and problems with the division of housework. Men and women also report dissatisfaction due to possessiveness, mood swings, aggressiveness or sexual apathy, and more. As we have already mentioned, the main problem is the couple's communication, as well as unrealistic expectations from the partner and power struggles between them.
When addressing the issue of communication in therapy, we wish to emphasize the essential components such as sharing emotions in an authentic way, defining personal needs – also in the sexual aspect, and the manner of communication between the partners, which can dictate the entire essence of the relationship.
Wants and needs must be defined as individuals and as a couple, Photo: GettyImages
Couples communication is the basis
Proper and healthy couple communication is based on our ability to define for ourselves what our desires and needs are as an individual and as a couple. We must know and understand our partner, support them and recognize their sensitivities as well as needs. We must not create stipulations in which at the end of the day we will find ourselves conducting an exchange deal rather than a thoughtful relationship.
It is important to remember all the time: a relationship is the result of a relationship between two. You + I = us.
Such a system must contain tools and rules that will be acceptable to both sides, including love, passion, sharing trust, honesty, empathy, authentic connection and above all friendship.
How do you do it?
Couples communication is based on our ability to raise any issue and any problem for sharing and conversation with our partner, and to reach an acceptable agreement.
As soon as a couple comes to therapy and there is a conversation and understanding about the components of the couple's communication, the possibility of seeing the relationship in a different way opens up, which will bring the couple to a more realistic perception and the possibility of changing the behavior, which is the most difficult part of the process.
Change begins with awareness and the desire to succeed. Some say that we must remember that when we reach a relationship we come to give and not to take, and when this equation works on both sides, there is harmony in the relationship, respect and understanding.
Divorce is not always the solution, sometimes it is just the replacement of a relationship with the same problems. I recommended giving up on yourself so quickly, the alternative is not necessarily better, and given that there is a family there are memories, experiences and I hope that love and passion as well, then the connection between you and the place you longed for can be repaired and updated.
The writer is a counselor and couples therapist
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