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"When I look at the numbers, the number of rapes, inside and outside the couple, physical and psychological abuse, emotional abuse, I understand that we don't have the tools to learn to love each other well." This is how Coral Herrera (Madrid, 46 years old) explains why she wrote 100 questions about love. The Loving Revolution for young people (Catarata, 2023). This PhD in Humanities and Communication came to this conclusion because she has been observing and analyzing for years. Since she wrote her doctoral thesis, The Sociocultural Construction of Romantic Love, two decades ago, she has been giving workshops and talks, especially in high schools. The last four, in a program with minors with convictions for sexist and sexual violence: "It's the hardest job I've had in my life, most of them are not aware, for example, that raping your girlfriend is rape." She is "worried", she says that "the discourses of incels and Vox have had a very strong impact on the young population". Although, at the same time, he believes that another future can be opened up for the generations to come because "there is also a part that sees it very clearly".
What she doesn't "believe," but is "convinced" of is that "you have to try." What? Relearning that "love is not only the couple but the network that one creates and maintains around it, which is the basis of mental and emotional health," on the one hand. On the other hand, to dismantle love as it has been understood for the last century: "That in no case to love is to suffer or sacrifice or endure".
Here are 15 of the issues that Herrera collects in his book and that "are for anyone", because, "although the majority of those who suffer the consequences of the myths and stereotypes of romantic love are women, they also relate to each other through these ideas".
1. We suffer a lot for love, why?
Herrera's answer is related to how love is understood: "As a war in which the goal is to dominate the other person. We need to feel that it's ours and it should meet our needs." It is mainly them, he explains, who are socialized and learn that this inequality is "normal." They internalize that "it takes a man's love to be complete"; and, even educated in freedom, "the vast majority live as servants with a double working day." Hence the suffering: "Love has been idealized to such an extent that reality is a constant disappointment in us. The more distance there is between myth and reality, the more we suffer."
2. Is the idea that love can do everything true?
Herrera's "no" is emphatic. Love, he says, "cannot overcome machismo, violence, or the problems of the other, lies, mistreatment, lack of care or abuse." For her, "the myth of the omnipotence of love is another trap of the patriarchy to make us believe that when things go wrong in the couple we have to 'fight for love' until the end and have faith that all the efforts we are making are going to pay off and will serve a purpose." That is an idea that, in relationships where there is violence, can perpetuate it for years.
3. Having a partner and forgetting about yourself
The communicator talks about "the myth of love-fusion", based in turn on that of the better half, by which it is believed that couples should "merge" as if they were a single person and "focus all energy, time and love on a single person". Sometimes they and men, but especially women, "leave their friends and their social groups and join those of the groom, which increases their dependence." The further away you are from your own network, the more vulnerable you are: "And the more alone we feel, the more insecure and the more in need of love. To prevent that from happening, it's critical to balance the time you spend with your partner with the time you spend with friends, family, and yourself."
4. The strategies used to limit the couple's freedom
They are set up by both women and men but, Herrera recalls, it is above all men.
Psychological and emotional manipulation, that is, "explaining to you kindly that he knows better than anyone what you need and is good for you", which the communicator assures that can end up destroying self-esteem and self-confidence.
Emotional blackmail, when you "pretend to be sad, sick or hurt" about something and "offer yourself the possibility of fixing it by giving in to your wishes", with phrases such as "if you don't go to the party I'm sure I'll feel better".
Threats and coercion, which "have a higher tone than blackmail and include some kind of punishment," such as "if you wear that provocative dress, this is the end of the relationship."
Or by force, directly, with phrases like "don't think you can do whatever you want".
To prevent that from happening, Herrera explains that you have to sit down at the beginning of the relationship to set boundaries and explain to the other person that freedom is non-negotiable, and warns not to be fooled by "the trick of offering their freedom in exchange for yours"; For example, "I'm never going to talk to my exes, so I hope you do the same." For her, "it is essential to respect the will of the other person, their freedom of movement, their privacy, the use they make of their free time, the space they dedicate to their passions and their affective and social network."
5. No One Belongs to No One
Herrera explains that "the main values of romantic love are that of private property, possession and domination", "contrary" to those of love. "When you love a person, you want them to be happy, with or without you, to live their life freely, to feel the same as you, to be with you because they want to." Herrera stresses that it is "very important" to be able to trust your partner: "If there is no mutual trust, it is not possible to treat each other well: the less you trust, the more you watch and spy on your partner and the more you put yourself in the role of police or jailer. Living in fear is hell."
6. The Signs of Gender-Based Violence
Sometimes we think that "when we are in a relationship it is normal to give up some things, constantly give in and assume that we are no longer so free or so autonomous", but "the price" of these ideas is "too high", says the communicator. Here are some situations she points out to help you see the signs that may indicate that you are suffering violence: "If he doesn't respect you, he gives you orders, he forbids you to do things, he talks to you with contempt, he doesn't trust you, he makes fun of you cruelly, he humiliates you alone or in public, he plays the victim so that you look like the bad guy, He controls you, treats you like you're crazy, yells at you, or insults you, you're suffering violence. If you modify your behavior so that he doesn't get offended or angry or feel bad, you blame yourself for his anger, or at some point you are afraid, you are suffering violence." And if that happens, he says, "you have to run out of that relationship."
7. There is no such thing as the depraved
"Women who really like sex are depraved, but women who don't fuck are 'narrow, puritanical.' It's very difficult to know exactly how much sex we can have: they're going to attack us anyway," Herrera writes. For this reason, says the writer, it is necessary to banish the idea that "social prestige has to do with sexual life" and "stop exercising violence" for this reason: "Women also exercise violence on other women using gossip, rumors or comments. Even you yourself can use violence when you criticize yourself after having sex: one of the weapons of patriarchy is guilt, which serves to repress and punish ourselves."
8. Puritans don't exist either
"Very recently, thanks to feminism, we became aware that if our partner does not take no for an answer and tries to penetrate us, we are suffering rape," Herrera argues. And remember that when you don't feel like it, you don't have the desire, you don't have the motivation, "you have the right to say no", both to partners and lovers, to acquaintances and strangers: "When we have started the courtship process, we have kissed, we get to bed and suddenly we realize that we do not feel comfortable or do not feel as comfortable as we thought. It doesn't matter where you are, it doesn't matter if you're naked or clothed. Sex can only take place between two or more people who desire each other."
9. Not wanting to use a condom, machismo and abuse
One of the most common ideas in sexual relations is that they are more pleasurable without protection, and it is also more common for them to be the ones who ask to do it without a condom. But, Herrera explains, insisting on not using it is "putting your health at risk, a form of contempt and also of asking you to prioritize their pleasure and forget about yours, which shows that it is not only selfish, but sexist." And, it is also "abuse." Both "not using it and taking it off halfway is one of the ways we perceive the least because, as always, what matters is their need and their pleasure." But in addition, so-called stealthing is a crime. In Spain, in 2019, a ruling set a precedent when a court in Salamanca convicted a man for removing a condom without a woman's consent as the perpetrator of a crime of sexual abuse.
10. Anal Sex: Either Mutual and Pleasurable or Nothing
Anal sex is a practice that has been spreading through pornography in cishetero couples and they are usually the ones who ask for it. But it's something that requires "pampering, patience and love," otherwise, Herrera says, "it can be one of the most horrendous and painful experiences in the world." She recounts in the book the number of "girls who submit to this torture to please their boyfriends" and that "there are more and more teenagers in the emergency room with torn anus and some need surgery and medication." He recommends that, if it is, it should always be on the condition that it be consensual, "mutual and pleasurable." "And if you don't like it, say it clearly, don't suffer or endure for love." That, he adds, "is not love."
11. Sharing previous sexual relations with your partners, yes or no?
The right to intimacy and privacy are two issues that Herrera makes explicit. "You choose whether or not you want to share it, and you decide how you tell it, when and to whom." She also adds an issue that is often not aware: "Women who have suffered harassment, assault and rape feel fear, guilt and shame, and sometimes it takes many years to be able to talk about it." That's why, she adds, "if your partner doesn't want to talk, it's better to wait until they can do it, until they feel like it, until they feel comfortable and safe."
12. Can you argue without hurting yourself?
Sometimes, "contemptuous comments, humiliating jokes, insults, false accusations, attacks, and threats" are normalized in an argument as a "weapon" to hurt the other person. To prevent that from happening, Herrera proposes several steps to follow. First, "realize that we have no right to hurt others, no matter how hurt or hurt we are." The second is "to become aware that the goal of a fight is to reach agreements and seek solutions." And the third, "become aware of language", if even "taking care of the words you realize that you are trying to hurt, stop immediately, and if you do not manage to control yourself, leave the space of discussion and do not return until you have calmed down and can speak without hurting the other person".
13. Love Deniers
In general, they are the ones who, on occasion, have a partner but deny having one: "The love denier, with his way of acting, tells us that we are not worth enough to be able to become his partner." Thus, the other person is "hidden" from his environment, from his friends, from his family. For those who suffer from it, this can mean the "collapse" of self-esteem. Herrera's advice is that "if there is no reciprocity, if you don't have the same desire, if they want to make you invisible, if they deny your existence, don't create false hopes or wait for the romantic miracle, the best thing to do is to leave it right away and save yourself tons of suffering."
14. Love Ends: You Have to Learn to Say Goodbye
Once that phase of "being drunk with love" passes, the infatuation, Herrera explains that two things can happen. "If the other person has idealized us a lot, they are very likely to be disappointed when they get to know us well. Sometimes, the opposite is true: the more we get to know someone, the more we like them." What happens in the first case? The best thing, he says, is to learn how to say goodbye. "If there is no respect, nothing that unites us, the best thing to do is to separate. We have a hard time putting an end to stories. If we were able to do it at the time we would save ourselves months and years of suffering, it is about becoming aware that, if there is no reciprocity, the best thing to do is to leave the relationship."
15. A single standard
If we had to choose a single rule to follow when relating to others, for Herrera it is "care for ourselves and for the people with whom we relate." He writes in the book that "it doesn't matter if you share one night or 500 nights, if your relationship lasts long or short, if it is open or closed: everyone you are with deserves respect, good treatment, sincerity, honesty, tenderness and affection. And you deserve it too. Don't forget that."
And he insists on the phone that "romance is a political issue, that other ways of loving and separating are possible." Also in the idea that, "although love is an instrument of social control for women, it is also revolutionary," because it is "the only thing that can save us from so much hatred and so much violence." This is what underlies Herrera's 100 questions about love: "By making the Loving Revolution we can really change the world, transforming our relationships and our way of organizing, we can end patriarchy and relationships of abuse and violence. A positive message, the idea that we could enjoy sex and love much more if we freed it from machismo."