What is most important is to work with our child - to strengthen him, to be with him and to give him tools/ShutterStock
Your child came back from school angry, nervous and with tears in his eyes, following an unpleasant incident that happened to him during the day.
The child experiences within him many emotions, mixed and at high intensities.
And all you want to do is help him - but we don't always know how.
When our child experiences high intensities of unpleasant emotions, all we want as parents is to take it away from him to make it easier for him.
We are even ready to feel these feelings in his place, the main thing - that he doesn't get hurt.
And this is because as adults - we can more easily contain our difficulty, but can we contain the difficulty of our children?
That's another story.
We have a sense of helplessness which naturally leads most of us to look for external solutions.
That is to say - try to "fix" the situation or take care of the external factor that in our opinion caused the incident.
But it must be recognized that as parents of our child - we don't have too much to do with other boys or girls, but on the other hand - we have a lot to do with our child.
There is also an important message here that says we take responsibility for what is in our control and let go of what is out of our control.
Focusing on what we can change brings us closer to our strengths and helps us develop inner resilience.
It is true that it is important to share with the teacher (or kindergarten teacher) and sometimes even encourage our child to talk to the same boy or girl with whom he had the incident.
But - what is most important is to work with our child - to strengthen him, to be with him and to give him the tools to deal with a similar event the next time - on his own.
What can we as parents do for our children when they are in a state of emotional turmoil?
1. Listen to our child's story
.
Yes, that simple.
Look him in the eyes, put the mobile aside and just be with him with real attention, without judging and without criticizing.
Don't ask - "Why did you say these things?"
or "Why didn't you act that way?"
- because this is a story that happened that we cannot change now.
All we have to do is be with him and accept the story that happened as an existing fact.
We must enter into a state of listening and not into a state of investigating and deciphering a "crime".
It is advisable to downplay deep questions, but only guiding questions that expand the picture and help your child gather more information from the situation in a way that advances the story and deepens it.
2. Repeat what your child said
.
Repetition gives validity to the story and reflects to your child that you listened to him.
When the child hears from you what he said, it also sounds a little different to him, maybe suddenly he will understand things that he didn't understand at the moment of truth and also - it gives him legitimacy that the things he shared with you are logical and understandable (because we repeated them).
For example: "I hear you say that the girl spoke badly to you and it really hurt you, right?"
3. Joining your child's point of view
- after hearing the story, you will find the part of you that authentically connects to his emotional experience, in order to identify with him honestly and not just recite "I understand you" as an empty mantra (which sometimes happens).
Really "step into his shoes" and see things from his childish point of view, and not from your current point of view, the parent - the adult.
4. Reflect to him what you see in him and feel about him
.
For example: "I hear that it made you very angry";
"I see that you are still very hurt by this" - the more you use your senses and describe what you experience from listening to the story, your child will feel that he is being listened to, that he is seen and that he is understood by you as well - and even more understood by himself.
Within the mirroring there is a day of feelings, inclusion without judgment - acceptance of the situation that is reflected and emotional legitimacy to feel that way.
These are significant messages for your child - to feel understood, normal and loved just as he is.
5. Empathic leadership
- in this entire listening process, you listened actively and present, you identified with him, you gave him legitimacy and you normalized your child's experience.
Now it's time to help him get out of there and lead him out.
Empathy is the part of us that is able to see the situation from the eyes of the other and at the same time give him a response from the arsenal of tools we have accumulated over the years, from our personal experience - the guidance and leadership that aims to get out of the "space of the problem" towards the "space of the solution".
The leading takes place from your authentic connection to yourself and from there to your child, which happens naturally when you agree to go back to being a child for a moment and enter your child's point of view without judgment and with a lot of inclusion, which means - to be present in the emotion, stay in it and allow him a moment to be without repelling or Cancel it, even and especially if it is not so convenient for us to be in it.
In conclusion
: many of us believe that every problem should be solved and preferably immediately.
This is mainly due to the fact that we feel anguish and restlessness inside when our child has a problem, and our way to relieve this feeling is to give him a solution.
But sometimes the real solution is simply to listen to them, to be present with them in their emotional experience, to give them legitimacy for what they feel, to let them know that it is okay, that they are okay.
The solutions, the advice, and the insights of our lives, the ones that are so important to us to give to our children - will come to light, but only after we join them, see them, feel them.
Only then - they will be able to trust us to be able to lead them towards the exact solution for them, and give them the strength to deal with such emotional crises in the future on their own.
Sometimes the real solution is to just listen to them/ShutterStock, Natalia Bostan
The Jama application was established with the aim of providing a response to mothers of babies between the ages of birth and three, and to gather for them content, activities, tips from experts and videos that will accompany them throughout this challenging period.
All the content in the application "grows" together with the baby and is precisely adapted to the stages of his development, so that the mothers receive only what is relevant to them and interests them at any given moment.
The Jama app is the place for mothers in Israel to meet and get to know other mothers around them, and to create new and exciting friendships in the fascinating journey.
Search us on Google: https://app.jama.co.il/
Nega halo condition, in collaboration with JAMA
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