We can’t say it enough: in any relationship, communication is key.
To optimize it within the couple and the family, it is necessary to respect three pillars: “liberated speech, listening full of empathy, and
mirror conversation
,” indicates psychologist Lawrence J. Cohen.
In an article posted online on January 1 on the website of the American magazine
Psychology Today
, the doctor of psychology, specialist in parenting, proposes a simple method to improve the quality of our links.
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In the foreword, the specialist questions us: “Do you listen to your partner as well and as often as he or she would like?”
This question can be applied to all intimate relationships, for example between a parent and their child, as a couple, or between two friends.
If the finding is negative, “a simple mirroring technique” could put an end to poor communication, he says.
The 3-2-1 technique
The method is quick, and lasts no more than 6 minutes, promises the psychologist.
Taking turns, one of the partners speaks, while the other listens attentively.
The first person to speak speaks for 3 minutes.
“Speak from your heart about what concerns you or what you want to share,” recommends the doctor of psychology.
As soon as the timer goes off, it is important to stop talking.
Our thoughts will then have a better chance of being heard than if we talk for too long.
Then we start a timer again.
2 minutes during which the person listening can come back to what the other person said.
This is what the psychologist calls the “mirror” stage.
Explanations: “He or she can use the exact words or paraphrase what the other person said, without making interpretations or judgments about what he or she heard.”
According to the expert, here is an example of a sentence that does not respect the “mirror” exercise: “You said you didn't care where we were going to eat, but I know that in reality, that is not your concern. not equal.”
We would rather prefer a sentence such as: “I hear you didn’t care where we were going to eat.”
Also read Parent-child relationship in adulthood: why is it so complicated?
When the time is up, the timer starts one final time, this time for one minute.
The person who spoke first speaks again to respond to this mirrored thought.
"We can say something like 'Thank you for listening to me, you heard me correctly', or 'You understood one part, but you didn't take this point into account', or even 'I'm not not sure if you understood me, let me repeat the key point,” we can read on the specialist media’s website.
The key is to be careful not to bring up a completely new topic at the last second, because "there's not enough time for it to sink in," he explains.
A training
At the end of this cycle, all we have to do is reverse the roles.
But the art of communication cannot be invented.
If the technique suits us, Lawrence J. Cohen invites us to repeat the exercise several times in a row, or to regularly schedule sessions to listen to each other.
“The objective of 3-2-1 is not to instantly resolve a long-standing conflict,” warns the psychologist.
The goal is simply to experience being heard and benefiting from attentive listening.”
The hope being that in the future, conversations will become more fluid.
On your timers!