"You look tired", "you're being dramatic", "don't take this the wrong way but..." We have all one day used ready-made expressions during a discussion, without really measuring the impact they have. could have on the person who hears them.
At first glance, they pose no danger.
And yet.
“These are sentences which are not as aggressive as insults, on the contrary,” explains Étienne Duménil, psychoanalyst psychologist.
The most hurtful are those which initially are not very mean but which are repeated all the time.
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The phenomenon is quite common.
“It arises from the categorization process that we adopt since childhood,” continues Amélia Lobbé, psychologist and author of the book
Overcoming Depression and Burn-Out
(1).
That is to say, we attach labels to people and situations because it is easier to identify them, and it provides a feeling of control.”
A phenomenon that can erode self-confidence, therefore.
Judgment
With expressions like "it's just in your head", "the person who is supposed to listen to the other person is not trying to put themselves in their place but will rather judge the situation based on their unique point of view", explains Amélia Lobbé.
Clearly, a simple “don’t be so dramatic” does not take into account all the elements of the situation and “constitutes a categorical judgment on the personality of the other”, continues the professional.
The closer we are to the other, the more we risk hurting them.
Étienne Duménil, psychoanalyst psychologist
The interlocutor may then feel misunderstood and consider that their feelings are ignored.
“The person who needs help therefore has a poor self-image, this is what we call “self-fulfilling prophecies”.
She integrates what she is told, thinks it is the truth, ends up losing confidence in herself, and acts accordingly,” says the psychologist.
Phrases that concern the field of mental health, like “you are bipolar”, or those that could be described as sexist like “are you on your period?”
or “you’re hysterical,” can be particularly hurtful.
Wounds rooted in time
The degree of proximity to the person saying the sentence accentuates this feeling of unease.
According to Étienne Duménil, “the closer you are to the person, the more you risk hurting them, even unintentionally.”
Quite simply because “we tend to give more credit to people we love and respect,” adds Amélia Lobbé.
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In some cases, a simple remark can touch a sensitive point and awaken “buried things that were still unknown to us.
This is what we call the “projection system”,” analyzes Étienne Duménil.
In the most extreme cases, certain phrases “can even stay in the mind for years,” warns the professional.
The person identifies with the words heard, thinks that they reflect reality.
Be careful, this can sometimes lead to the development of pathologies.”
(1)
Overcoming depression and burn-out,
by Amélia Lobbé, (Ed. Leduc S), 191 p., €19.98.