We make love less and less.
This is the finding of a new Ifop survey carried out for the sex toy brand Lelo and published Tuesday February 6 (1).
If in 2006, 87% of French people declared having had sexual intercourse during the last 12 months, this will only be 76% in 2024. Our carnal moments are also less and less frequent, since 43% of respondents report having in on average one sexual intercourse per week, compared to 58% in 2009. According to Ifop, these figures are part of a context of “increasing dissociation between conjugality and sexuality”.
In other words, we would increasingly consider that a happy couple does not necessarily imply an intense sexual life.
These conclusions do not surprise Marie-Line Urbain, sexologist.
She tells us what she observes and hears in her office.
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Also read: Desire at half mast: “We must not wait for the famous weekend for two which will save us!”
Madame Figaro.-
Desire at half mast, drop in frequency of reports... Do these findings correspond to what you observe in your office?
Marie-Line Urbain.-
Absolutely.
We are seeing more and more cases of reduced libido and longer and longer periods between intercourse, both in men and women.
Among the main factors in this spacing of carnal moments, we find in many women a refusal to “force” themselves to make love.
For their part, men appear somewhat lost as to the “acceptable” dose of expressing their desire to their partner.
Only since desire creates desire, if neither of them expresses theirs, not much happens anymore.
At the same time, we observe an ambivalence.
When couples are asked how sex is, many respond that it is satisfying.
So they wonder: why don't we make love more often since when we do, it's pleasant?
What do women express regarding this refusal?
Between the mental load they suffer from and their professional lives, they say they already make enough sacrifices.
Furthermore, with the Metoo movement and the recognition of total and informed consent, some people realize that they have in the past given something of their privacy without being ready or without really wanting to.
Today, they refuse to let this happen again.
Some women realize that they have given away something of their privacy in the past without being ready or without really wanting it.
Marie-Line Urbain, sexologist
What stifles desire?
A need to control everything.
Some people say to themselves that it's not the right time, that they are busy doing something else... We observe a refusal to move away from one's own moment for a potential moment of intimacy.
There is also control of oneself, of one's body, with some people only making love after taking a shower, for example.
Finally, among the other elements that stifle desire, we find a certain laziness, stress, mental load, daily life.
Also read: She wants it, he doesn't: among men, the great taboo of low libido
Do you observe this growing dissociation between conjugality and sexuality, mentioned by Ifop?
I actually see more and more patients, in couples, who get along very well and completely accept that sex is not very present, or at least less than before.
On the other hand, they refuse that he is not present.
Not having sexuality is like being roommates for them.
Convinced that sexuality absolutely must exist, some do their best not to offend others, not to frustrate them.
And if the trend is downward, I still hear from women aged between 50 and 60 “I don't want to but I make love every day”.
The belief that men have more desire than women is still very present.
I see more and more patients, in couples, who get along very well and completely accept that sex is not very present.
Marie-Line Urbain, sexologist
Are screens eating into our sex lives?
Absolutely, and not just the sex life but the entire intimacy of the couple.
Many sit in front of a screen as soon as they get home, sometimes everyone has their own, one works, the other is on Instagram, for example.
Many couples think that they share a moment by being together in front of a screen to watch a film or a series, they say it clearly: “It's our moment”.
What is wrong.
It is important to understand that during these moments, the gazes of both partners are in the same direction, but not towards each other.
However, to desire is also to look at oneself.
(1) Ifop study for LELO carried out by self-administered online questionnaire from December 29, 2023 to January 2, 2024 with a sample of 1,911 people, representative of the French population aged 18 and over.