Don't make a competition and comparisons among yourselves as to who is more difficult/ShutterStock, DELBO ANDREA
Nega Hila Mutana
, parent and family instructor, NLP facilitator, holistic therapist for children and marriage counselor, guides how to make adaptation easier.
1. Patience and mutual understanding - each and every one of you went through a challenging period on your front.
It takes time to adapt to the intense home routine, there is not always enough time - and you already have to go back to the front.
It takes time to adjust to the shared presence again, to the new boundaries and habits that have been created.
It requires a lot of patience and long-suffering from both sides, as well as awareness of mutual needs.
2. Coordination of expectations - the person who has exclusively experienced the load of tasks at home - is already in a state of burnout and exhaustion and has the expectation that when the partner returns - he will take over routine tasks from her, such as - transportation, shopping, or even listening to the children, in order to allow her a break As someone who has held everything on her back until now.
On the other hand, the returning partner feels that he needs his own time to reset.
He needs silence and re-presence of himself in a radically different reality.
It is important to remember that everyone reacts differently to changes.
There are those who would like to quickly return to the tasks in order to feel part and experience a renewed grip on the previous reality and a sense of belonging.
On the other hand - there are those who will need a little more time to understand where they are.
That is why it is important to talk about it and understand what the mutual needs are and accordingly adjust the approach, the discourse and the mutual requests.
3. Managing important tasks that accumulated - during the period, many tasks that were not performed accumulated - whether it is collecting important paperwork, repairing a product at home, making a significant purchase and even changing a light bulb.
Open a common WhatsApp group (you can also make a list on the fridge) of important tasks that have accumulated, where the purpose of the group is to prepare a kind of "bank" of general tasks that have been postponed.
You can prioritize them in order of importance.
What is important to note is that with all our longing for our partner to do a lot of things, it is important not to put immediate pressure on him and to take into account that things will be done by listening to your mutual needs in accordance with the coordination of expectations between you.
4. This is not a competition - don't make a competition and comparisons among yourselves as to who is more difficult - each of you faced a completely different reality, with a different pace and a different load.
Everyone is required to mobilize other resources within themselves - physical, emotional and mental.
Don't start trying to compare whether it's harder on the combat front or the home front.
The idea is to understand that we are going through something in common that requires us to unite and contain each other.
This is not the time to close accounts - take the time to understand what you have been through, process things with yourself and together.
Talk about open topics when you are calm, relaxed and free emotionally and not when angry or stressed.
5. Look for the opportunities - adopt a new perspective on the relationship - try to look for the opportunity in the distance that was between you, in places where you can appreciate each other more, even for the little things that may once have been taken for granted.
6. Be grateful - find at least one thing a day that you can say to the other party that you appreciate him/her about this time you were apart and the time your partner came home.
As much as you illuminate for each other the places where you see the mutual effort, even if it is the smallest - it will already create positive energy in the house.
7. Share new information - this period has created distance - but it is a great opportunity to get closer and get to know each other again, each one as an individual.
Share every day one new thing you discovered about yourself.
On your abilities, on the new resources you have mobilized within you to deal with reality, on your parenting skills, on the threshold of your inclusion and functioning.
8. Creating a renewed marriage contract - based on values that are important to each of you.
The war is a defining event in the marital relationship and is an opportunity to renew the marital contract between you, especially if you haven't had the chance to talk about it until now.
The contract consists of values that are important to you, such as: honesty, openness, listening, respect, inclusion, communication, partnership and more, when each value is discussed and understood what it means for each of you.
It is possible that each value will be interpreted differently by the other, therefore the discussion about the values that are important to you - that will be expressed in a relationship and parenting, should be more than just the name of a value, but the understanding of the meaning for each of you and its expression in practice.
Also, the contract is based on the mutual needs, on the way you want to experience the partnership in terms of the personal feelings of each of you.
Maybe there are new boundaries that are important to you, a redefinition of personal space, that you can define now.
9. Awareness of triggers - make a list of every sentence, statement, question and behavior that makes you jump.
Try to understand what "activates" you there, what it arouses in you and what is important for you to receive from the other side.
Once you understand yourself, you can articulate your need to your partner.
10. Turn a complaint into a request - when you understand what triggers you, you can take emotional responsibility for your inner experience.
From there, your appeal will be in approachable language that refers to your need and not as a claim to the other party, in a way that asks the other party for what is important to you and does not accuse and complain.
This rhetoric will encourage listening and cooperation from the partner who will feel like a partner in the journey and not to blame for the result.
Each side wants to feel included - and the other side is not always capable and successful.
It is important that we do not insist and demand help from an outside party if our spouse is not emotionally available to accommodate us.
It's perfectly fine and it's natural in relationships.
Although, it is very difficult for us to accept that our partner cannot accommodate us, especially if he used to do so.
If you feel that you have accumulated more conflicts beyond what existed before the war, it is important that you seek the help of a professional who will guide and support you along the way and give you tools to deal with the new reality.
It is important to take into account that coping in a relationship requires mutual desire and commitment.
The understanding is that you are walking together on a path that is not easy and requires resources from you that you may not have known existed within you.
Everyone is triggered by other triggers and it is important that each of you is aware of what overwhelms and triggers you and your partner.
This can prevent in advance complex and complicated situations that could have been analyzed in advance and prepared for.
The period of war invites us to re-examine our marital relationship and organize a renewed joint contract in light of the circumstances, which includes the division of roles, and the clarification of the values that are important to each party, on a personal, marital and parental level.
Each party wants to feel included/ShutterStock
The Jama application was established with the aim of providing a response to mothers of babies between the ages of birth and three, and to gather for them content, activities, tips from experts and videos that will accompany them throughout this challenging period.
All the content in the application "grows" together with the baby and is precisely adapted to the stages of his development, so that the mothers receive only what is relevant to them and interests them at any given moment.
The Jama app is the place for mothers in Israel to meet and get to know other mothers around them, and to create new and exciting friendships in the fascinating journey.
Search us on Google: https://app.jama.co.il/
Nega halo conditional, in collaboration with JAMA
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