Not only does being egocentric risk making us unlikable, but it also weakens self-esteem, a pillar of our happiness.
In his book,
Self-esteem and self-forgetting
(Ed. Odile Jacob), psychiatrist Christophe André highlights a fascinating paradox: or how, to nourish good self-esteem, one must be able to... forget oneself!
To discover
Podcast
> Gwyneth Paltrow: the strange guru from the Upper East Side
Download the Le Figaro Cuisine app for tasty and authentic recipes
Also read: The 4 levers to activate to live longer and in better health, according to specialists
The danger of self-worship
For centuries, the individual has been subject to collective rules (religion, State, etc.), leading to withdrawal, inhibition, sometimes dark thoughts and lack of self-esteem.
The entire history of psychology is based on our freedom from these strict rules.
“From the 1980s, we saw the emergence of self-promotion claims – “I'm worth it”, “I have the right to it” – which became so many mantras of our consumer society, explains Christophe André.
In
Self-Esteem
, my first book on the subject in 1999, I also insisted on the need to listen to oneself, to pamper oneself.
Except that over time, we went from one extreme to the other.
To the point of seeing an epidemic of narcissism flare up.”
TikTok and Instagram obviously contributed to this.
“We now have to put up with individuals who only think about themselves.
Like this reader who bothers me to get her book signed before everyone else because she doesn't have time to wait.
To all these people who are only interested in themselves, I want to say: your self-worship weakens you!”
To all these people who are only interested in themselves, I want to say: your self-worship weakens you!
Christophe André, psychiatrist
“New studies on self-esteem highlight the necessary connection to others,” recalls Christophe André.
Had we forgotten it?
“The movement is twofold: those who benefit from good self-esteem generally open up to the world, unlike the selfish.
The “me I” is a very clear marker of deep insecurity and false self-esteem.
And, at the same time, this openness to others will nourish self-esteem.”
Virtuous circle?
"Certainly.
When we go to a party with the prospect of meeting others, we come out nourished, invigorated.
The one who only thinks about talking without listening to anything will return home insecure, empty.
And even more dependent on the gaze of others.
Christian Bobin wrote: “Those who seek the admiration of others are like slaves who have millions of masters,” recalls Christophe André.
Kind and firm
To nurture happiness and success, it’s better to be seen as nice and cool than brilliant.
An American study (1) proved that individuals considered “very strong” lost their means when faced with a difficult exercise, unlike others.
Under pressure, the “nice guys” do better, because their base is more solid.
Result ?
“It’s better to value your child’s interpersonal skills rather than his intelligence,” warns the psychiatrist.
Second paradox: the admiration of “greater than oneself” is also beneficial to our self-esteem.
“In front of a master painting, a work by one of our colleagues, we shrink our ego… But we grow in the same movement.
All forms of transcendence that give us gratitude or joy boost our self-esteem.”
We can try: feeling very small in a forest of giant sequoias makes us feel good.
“Grace is to forget oneself,” wrote Bernanos.
It is better to value your child's interpersonal skills rather than their intelligence
Christophe André, psychiatrist
Be careful, admiration does not mean... control.
Or comparison.
“We are social animals and, as such, we are constantly comparing ourselves to others.
What was necessary in prehistoric times has become toxic in our networked societies.
However, comparison feeds low self-esteem.”
Champions in this area, women, unfortunately, still too often live in this competitive relationship with others.
Studies show that from adolescence onwards they doubt themselves much more than their alter egos.
And Christophe André concludes: “The ideal would be to be a “nice guy who knows how to say no”.
Kind and firm at the same time, having a strong bond with others, while knowing how to set your own limits.
And that’s ideal for the ego.”
(1) Study published in
Journal of Personality and Social Psychology
, in 2001.