The war brought with it a difficult struggle for many couples/ShutterStock
The war brought with it a difficult struggle for many couples.
Whether they are married or not, whether they already have children or not: the gaps exist and there is a sense of distance that will require a gradual process of getting closer again.
In the next article I will refer to three conflict centers that are the result of gaps created during the war.
I will also present a number of practical tips that will help you see things from a new perspective.
It is important to emphasize that with all the advice and tips, it is important that we listen and, if necessary, turn to individual professional help and guidance that will guide how to deal with the conflicts that were and were added following the war.
We are also fighting on several fronts, where we must "win" on each one by itself and prioritize resources to balance them.
1. The emotional front - let's start with the fact that longing, worry and anxiety accompany most of us on a daily basis, along with the national mourning that has befallen us and anxieties that arose following the events of 10/7.
The general sensitivity threshold is very low.
The women (and of course there are also men) who are at home with the same feelings, have to manage themselves, the house, the children, the work and all this when they are surrounded by difficult feelings that affect their functioning and mood.
There is a feeling of loneliness and that there is no emotional partner for these experiences.
And he is, he is there, on a completely different battlefield, sometimes completely disconnected from what is happening.
He is goal oriented and cannot get emotionally immersed in the whole situation and this is to protect and preserve himself and his resilience.
While you approach your emotions and experience them fully, he is experienced in repressing them, because they have no place on the battlefield.
At this point a perceptual, emotional, experiential and survival gap is created, when everyone is energetically and mentally focused in a different place.
2. The operational front - the war is being waged on two fronts that are largely disconnected, with each front having difficulty seeing and understanding the other in depth.
Each and every one - fighting on their own private battlefield.
The women who remained in the rear (and as mentioned also some of the men at times), should continue to function and manage the household.
They have a lot of small tasks on their heads that used to be shared with another partner and now they are the only ones in charge of things: shopping, cooking, order, cleaning, paying bills, transportation for the children, accommodating the children on difficult days, repairing things that break down regularly, throwing away the garbage and replacing light bulbs.
Don't get me wrong, we can do everything and our partner doesn't always excel in the other tasks, but knowing that there is someone else who can back up, call the technician, take the child to the doctor, or return from the class - gives a breath of fresh air.
When he returns home to the frenzy of all the routine tasks - there is a lack of synchronization in the pace and load.
Maybe he just wants to rest, clear his head and stare at the screen, and you want to tick because you have your schedule and order. You may find yourself having trouble slowing down. It will suddenly become clear that there are two completely different rhythms and they are not in sync at all.
3. The parental front - on a daily basis, we combine the familiar routine of home-work and children.
Now, the general and personal consciousness that the spouse is not a part of has been added.
The children experience longing, anxiety, worry and above all a great sense of lack, along with all the tension in the house that drains to one person.
The conduct of the home changes shape, there are new constraints such as the children's regressive reactions that the home front also has to manipulate.
The mother is not always in a state of appeals and is in fact the only parent who listens, contains, empowers and strengthens.
You don't always have the tools, which requires you to look for appropriate treatment, which takes more time, money and above all requires a lot of energy and strength that you can't always find.
The load is so great that there is a feeling of wear and tear.
When the partner returns afterwards, he finds a wife and children who have gone through so much during this time that it is impossible to explain and describe.
New habits are created, a different authority, a different order, different boundaries, in fact the whole operation at home has changed or become more flexible or become more rigid, to help the parent who stays with the children to survive this period.
Then, dad comes home and he doesn't always accept the change.
Sometimes the child falls asleep with a tablet so that the mother can bathe the toddler during this time, sometimes we eat in the living room, because it has become a flexible boundary that is not worth fighting over.
It is not easy to see that the home changed while he was at war, but on the other hand, those who remain at home must do everything to survive and here again a gap and conflict is created against the background of the parental front that has taken on a different form that the father has to learn to reintegrate into.
For every gap and conflict that has arisen, it is possible to create a common language that is based on an attentive and conscious approach, that understands the complexity and the need for a different operation, perhaps not always natural, but necessary, in order to try to deal with these gaps in a way that will build the relationship, despite the difficulty.
What can be done to deal with the disparities created as a result of the war?
1. Communication - the first and most important rule in everything related to relationships is to know how to talk about what is bothering you - without blaming the other party.
Communication is the ability to understand what goes through us inside, to identify the sensitive places that make us jump and to know how to transcribe ourselves out into the world, out of listening and love.
The knowledge that each of us is a whole world and that everything that is said - is said from the inner world of the other and is not personal towards us.
It is important that the style of discourse be conducted in the "language of the self" - this is an intimate communication style, which learns to present our inner and personal experience, taking responsibility for our feelings, without blaming them on the other party who apparently makes me feel a certain way.
You have to understand that the other side only sheds light on a pain that was already there before.
Everything that happens to me - happens to me from inside me, and when I am in intrapersonal communication and know what is going through me, I can convey my messages out in a refined manner and take into account that each party may interpret me completely differently than I intended, because their inner world is different from mine.
It is important to find the way to talk about our experiences openly and honestly, but to notice that we are talking about ourselves, what we experienced and felt, without blaming the other party.
2. Awareness of triggers - it is very possible that in addition to the things that bothered you in the past, other things will arise.
Pay attention to them, even make a list of sentences or actions that can throw you off balance and try to understand what exactly bothers you there and is there another way that would have been easier for you to receive the messages from the other side?
When we are aware of our weak points, we can communicate them out, of course in a close way that does not blame the other party.
We can say and tell that there is some sentence that we have a really hard time with, when every time we say it, there is some very uncomfortable inner experience.
By the way, you don't have to stay with these feelings, they also have a solution, but until you choose to deal with them, it is important that you are aware of them and know how to talk about them to your partner.
3. Coordination of expectations - it is important to conduct a dialogue of needs so that everyone can find their place and express what they need most.
Together you will see how you can combine your needs (and the children's as well), so that everyone leaves as satisfied as possible.
It requires every time to make some concessions and it is not always easy.
But when you are aware of this in advance, it reduces frustration.
Before after, or before release or any period of "monthly togetherness" - sit down and talk about what everyone needs.
For example: the need to meet friends, to hang out together, to meet the parents, to do Shabbat without the extended family, to download a significant task that was burdensome, to clear the head with some Xbox game, to go for a run, time alone, and more... the more you talk about your mutual needs in advance Time and find a way to respect them and honor them at a time that is right and suitable for the family - this way you will experience the communication between you more fluid and enabling.
4. A new approach - the premise is that behind every behavior there is a higher positive intention.
If you understand that no one is acting against you, but acting for themselves, you will understand that every complaint is actually a request that was probably not formulated correctly.
When we understand what is going on inside us, understand what our need is and learn to communicate it outward using the "language of the self", the other side is attentive to us.
When we speak in complaints, the ear is closed and there is deaf talk.
Therefore, you can say anything, the question is what rhetoric we will use.
Below are some examples of alternative and closer wording:
· Instead of "You don't understand at all how I feel and what I'm going through" - say "I feel misunderstood and very lonely in my feeling, I would like to feel more empathy".
· Instead of "You don't appreciate everything I've done all this time" - say "It's important for me to receive recognition and appreciation from you, whether it's a kind word, or any other gesture."
The current period is particularly challenging for many couples.
Even if the communication between the two couples before the war was amazing, the gap may put the couple in a difficult situation.
And especially if the communication before the situation was already difficult, the war can make it worse.
Therefore, it is very important to listen and take guidance and support in order to make it through this period and especially the period after it.
When we become aware of our needs and know how to communicate them in a way that is close and not blaming, we will be able to see this challenging period as an opportunity for closeness and the creation of a new relationship between us.
Everyone tries to re-establish their individuality within the relationship and the "new togetherness" created as a result.
This requires a certain acceptance of reality - an acceptance that we have changed, each one individually and so on - also together.
If we choose to see this period as an opportunity to leverage connection and communication,
If we choose to see this period as an opportunity to leverage the relationship and communication, we can build marital resilience together/ShutterStock
The Jama application was established with the aim of providing a response to mothers of babies between the ages of birth and three, and to gather for them content, activities, tips from experts and videos that will accompany them throughout this challenging period.
All the content in the application "grows" together with the baby and is precisely adapted to the stages of his development, so that the mothers receive only what is relevant to them and interests them at any given moment.
The Jama app is the place for mothers in Israel to meet and get to know other mothers around them, and to create new and exciting friendships in the fascinating journey.
Search us on Google: https://app.jama.co.il/
Nega halo conditional, in collaboration with JAMA
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