In a video broadcast Friday March 22 on the Instagram account of the Prince and Princess of Wales, Kate Middleton announced that she had cancer.
She very quickly mentioned “the time” it took to “explain everything to George, Charlotte and Louis (
her children aged 10, 8 and 5, Editor’s note
)”.
And this, “in an appropriate manner and in a way to assure them that I will get through it,” she clarified.
To discover
Exclusive visit to Art Paris: reserve your place
Download the Le Figaro Cuisine app for tasty and authentic recipes
Also read: Émilie Daudin: “I didn’t want cancer to invade our house and the lives of my children”
After the shock of learning about cancer, it is up to the parent to have the difficult task of informing their child, regardless of their age.
“It’s better not to act as if nothing is happening and instead try to put into words what is happening at home,” says Mathilde*, a psychologist listening to the League Against Cancer ( 1).
Even the little ones feel the stress, sadness and anguish of the parent(s).
But what words to use?
When to talk about it?
If there are no rules and if everyone does their best and as best they can, the specialist gives some valuable communication advice.
Madame Figaro.-
When to talk to your child(ren) after a cancer diagnosis?
Mathilde, listening psychologist at La Ligue contre le cancer.-
Everything depends on the context in which the parent learns the news and everything depends on their feelings.
If the diagnosis was made just before the start of the weekend, for example, some will have difficulty hiding their shock and will choose to announce it immediately.
Conversely, if the child is away from home, the schedule does not allow it or simply because they feel the need to deal with it alone, others will wait.
The best thing is to choose a time that is convenient for you and your family, that is to say a time when you can bring the children together if you have several and where everyone will then have time to spare to discuss.
And if you are a couple, I advise broaching the subject in advance with your partner to agree on the conditions of the announcement.
When the time comes, what words should you choose?
We can say that dad or mom is sick, that he or she is going to get treatment from the doctors and that they are going to do everything in place to cure him or her of the illness.
It’s up to everyone to choose whether or not to use the term “cancer”.
Whatever the case, it is a good idea to discuss with the child what will be changed in their habits.
We can thus prevent possible physical changes (marks of fatigue, hair loss, etc.).
We can also talk about the impact that the treatment will have on daily life and tell the child that we will no longer be able to pick them up from school or after their activities, for example.
Also read: Marc Roche: “If the tabloids reveal the stage and nature of Kate Middleton's cancer, they risk exclusion by Buckingham”
Should these words be adapted to the child's age?
Of course, if he is under 5 years old, we may avoid medical terms.
Concerning this age group, it can sometimes be necessary to reassure, by telling the little one that what is happening is not their fault... Before 5 years old, children operate with magical thinking and tend to consider that They have an effect on what happens around them.
As for older children, they will no doubt have already heard about the disease and will perhaps ask themselves more questions after their parent's announcement.
The ideal is then to give them the information we have, while allowing them to express their feelings and ask the questions they wish.
Can you admit your fears to your child?
It all depends on the personality of the parent, some do not want to show their worries and do not allow themselves to cry.
For others, it will be impossible to hide it.
In this case, it is important to broach the subject of emotions with your child to put into words our changes in behavior, our reactions.
Because a child feels it.
Without saying "I'm afraid of dying", we can confide that "this illness is difficult to accept", that we don't feel very well.
If you choose to seek psychological support, it can also be a good idea to tell your child: “I feel sad but I am going to talk to someone to get better.”
In this way, we allow the child to worry less, and we allow him, in turn, to express what he feels.
You can omit information to protect your child but it is better to be careful not to lie to them
Mathilde, listening psychologist at The League Against Cancer
Should we be completely transparent about the stage of cancer? Can we talk about the possibility of death?
If the child does not ask the question, it is not necessary to announce the stage of dangerousness;
unless the parent feels the need to be completely honest.
We must stick to what has been told to us by the medical team and not give information that we do not have.
If the doctor has not mentioned death in the short term, it is better not to bring it up right away.
Unless the child asks the question, in which case it is important to answer them.
If he asks “are you going to die?”, we can say that we are taking care of ourselves so that this does not happen.
We can also ask him: “what question are you asking yourself and how do you feel about that?”
Drawing on literature that addresses illness or death can help.
That being said, one element is essential to remember: you can omit information to protect your child, but it is better to be careful not to lie to them.
In addition to feeling what is going on around him, the child can later obtain information by overhearing a conversation between adults.
And learning bad news in this way will then be a great source of anxiety.
He will create scenarios and imagine the worst.
Without forgetting that he may experience the lie as a betrayal.
What impact can a parent's cancer have on the family?
On a daily basis, the organization of the family changes and the roles of each person can be modified.
This is what upsets both the sick person and the entire family unit.
As soon as the announcement is made, it is therefore essential to communicate about what is going to happen and what can be put in place within the family to help get through the situation.
The reactions of each family member may be different.
Whatever the age of the child, it is common that the information is not immediately digested.
Questions and concerns may appear several days or weeks after the news.
Hence the importance of being attentive and opening the dialogue as much as possible.
Also read: Is it harder to be a parent today than 40 years ago?
Are there signs of distress in the child that should alert us?
Significant behavioral changes should be taken seriously.
After the announcement, a child's attitudes may change.
Some - often teenagers - withdraw and act as if nothing had happened.
Others try hard not to “make waves” at school and at home.
Still others will, on the contrary, seek attention and express their discomfort.
If we are worried, we can suggest that the child receive external psychological support.
It may also be a good idea to identify one or more resource people the child trusts.
Grandparents, aunts and uncles, family friends... We can tell him that he can speak to them, while asking the adults concerned to remain vigilant.
Likewise, the educational team can be notified so that they can alert parents in the event of changes in behavior.
Finally, the League Against Cancer has a toll-free number that you can call at any time if you feel the need for support.
* For reasons of confidentiality, the first name of the psychologist had to be anonymized.
(1) The League Against Cancer offers a toll-free number, an anonymous and confidential listening service: 08 00 94 09 39.