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(CNN) - Most of us behave like idiots sometimes. The stress of today's accelerated society combined with a national sleep deprivation epidemic can make anyone temporarily toxic.
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That's fine if it's not a habit, experts say. It is a frequent rude behavior that can become contagious.
"Bad behavior is actually more contagious than good behavior," said Robert Sutton, author of "The Survival Guide Against Assholes: How to deal with people who treat you like crap."
"So, if you find yourself in a situation where there is a lot of disrespect, it's hard not to detect that behavior," said Sutton, a professor of management science at the Stanford University School of Engineering.
But going from Jekyll to Hyde from time to time doesn't make a person a stalker. Sutton says that what defines a person as a true stalker is if they regularly make you feel "oppressed, humiliated, de-energized or belittled."
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The brutal actions that often lead to those feelings, Sutton said, include personal insults, mocking jokes, threats, public embarrassment, rude interruptions, invasion of personal space or unsolicited personal contact.
Types of thugs
Preston Ni, author of "How to communicate effectively and handle difficult people" and communications professor at Foothill College outside San Francisco, has identified five types of adult thugs who use different techniques to inflict damage.
Tangible Thug / Material
These thugs use their formal power, such as being a boss or executive in a company, or material power, such as having legal authority or control over finances, to intimidate others.
Power is a dangerous thing, Sutton said. "If you're a fool and a winner, you're still a loser as a human being in my book."
Verbal thug
This type of thug shames and insults with words, often expressing constant criticism or using hostile teasing, Ni explained. Sometimes the language can be sexist, racist or homophobic, and it can be threatening.
Passive-aggressive bully
It may not seem bullying, Ni said, but somehow, this method is the most cunning. This type of idiot behaves very well on the surface, but attacks subtly.
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Examples include toxic gossip, jokes and sarcasm at the expense of its victims. A passive stalker can roll his eyes, make rude facial gestures and ridicule his target by imitating some small action. They can also socially or professionally isolate their prey, causing insecurity and anxiety.
Cyber stalker
This is a big problem today, cyber bullying can have lethal consequences for young and vulnerable. Even mature and emotionally stable adults can be harassed by text messages, emails and social networks. Identity theft is another form of cyberbullying, says Ni.
Physical thug
This can range from simulating violence raising the fist to hit, throwing objects, to violent acts of physical, sexual and domestic abuse.
(Note: This article does not address sexual and domestic abuse and violence. If you are a victim, call 911, the National Domestic Violence Hotline or the National Sexual Assault Hotline).
How to survive an adult stalker
For many adult stalkers, the journey begins in a home with problems.
"Certainly, there are things like education," Sutton said. "Maybe they had around them role models who treated others with disrespect and advised that to get ahead in life they should crush others and treat them like crap."
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Research at Duke University shows that adults who bully have often had a troubled childhood and may be victims of abuse or intimidation. They also suffer the worst results as adults. They are much more likely to suffer a serious illness or psychiatric disorder, abuse drugs or be convicted of serious crimes. If they were chronically harassed, they are likely to be more isolated, less educated and poorer.
"There is a saying: some people want to feel tall by cutting the heads of others," said Ni. "Many stalkers don't really feel good about themselves, and the only way to feel good about themselves is to humiliate others."
Change your point of view
So does that mean we should feel sorry for some bullies? As long as the harassment is not violent or threatening, you can consider it, Ni said, but not because of the harassment. In fact, you can help him cope.
"I think one of the smartest keys to learning to deal with stalkers, especially if it's someone you interact with more or less regularly, is to consider the background of this person," said Ni. "And if you know that the person comes from a traumatic family environment, showing some empathy and understanding in no way excuses the bullying behavior, but reduces the bullying factor."
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When you stop thinking of the stalker as a scary person, you stop reacting by running away or fighting, Ni said, and you can be wiser by devising assertive ways of handling the situation.
Choose your battles
Deciding how to react depends a lot on the frequency and severity of bullying behavior. If the behavior is not excessive or harmful and you only see the stalker occasionally at work, or the unpleasant relative once a year at family gatherings, then Ni suggests keeping your distance. As soon as you are done with the task in question, disconnect and stay out of that person's line of sight.
"We are always looking to correct mistakes in every situation," said Ni. “But it takes time and effort to handle bullying behavior in many cases. Therefore, if it is not directly harmful, if it is rare, consider choosing your battles. Participate, then retire. ”
Try some Jedi mental tricks
The Jedi used force to implant suggestions in the minds of others to bend them to their will. Sutton suggests applying those tricks to his own mind, as well as that of the stalker.
For example, if bullying is not affecting your personal safety or livelihood, Sutton suggests trying to see humor (such as imagining all those people in the audience naked to overcome stage fright). Or you could try to be too kind to the stalker.
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"Sometimes you just have to rise above and kill them with kindness," he said.
You can also try to look the stalker in the eye while he is a jerk.
"You have much less empathy for human beings when you don't see their face and don't see their eyes," Sutton said. "When you don't have eye contact with someone, you are much more likely to be unpleasant, so it turns out that eye contact can be very important."
Dealing with a chronic and toxic stalker
What happens if it is a chronic stalker and is completely disrupting your ability to enjoy your home or work? Then it's time to take out the biggest weapons.
Make a clean getaway
Sutton's first rule of surviving a toxic stalker is to escape, if you can. See if you can move your desk away from the criminal, or restrict your interactions with a toxic neighbor or avoid that incredibly irritating soccer mom and dad. If that fails, try again. Can you find another soccer league? Can you move on to another role in the organization?
Document every detail
Both Ni and Sutton say that the most important thing you can do if you find yourself in an unsustainable situation with a chronic stalker is to document the behavior. If this is working, start by checking your company's harassment policies. They may have specific guidelines on how to report the stalker's behavior.
Write exactly what happened when you return to your desk, including exact quotes if possible. Were there witnesses, even passersby? Write their names and, if you feel comfortable, ask them to document what they saw or heard. Add the time, place and circumstances that led to the behavior. Do it every time the harassment occurs and create a file.
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Is there any email, voicemail or other evidence that can help build your case? Pick it up immediately and create a formal document to file until you are ready to act. Be as professional as possible in your presentation of events.
But be careful when recording the encounter with audio or video. Each state has different laws, and some are "bipartite" states, which means that you must have the permission of both the person being recorded and the person recording. Record someone in one of those states in audio or video and try to use it and you could face a lawsuit.
Documentation is also effective outside of work. Preston Ni tells the story of a neighbor who smoked so often near his house that smoke entered his house. After numerous requests for the person to stop behaving like this failed, he began to collect bills for cleaning curtains and carpets and presented them to the neighbor, and suggested that if he did not pay, he would contact a lawyer.
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"It's been three years since I smoked near my house," said Ni.
Get support
“Most of the stalkers, the most chronic, annoy more than one person,” said Ni, who trains clients and advises Fortune 500 companies. “When victims are willing to join, it helps because there is strength in numbers "
The fellow victims can help you document any abuse, share your own experiences and convince management or the local condominium association that the stalker's behavior is real and should stop. That puts you in a position of greater power, and when you have that, says Ni, the stalker will back off.
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"Most bullies are cowards inside," said Ni. “They find weaker people to choose from because they know they can get away with it. I would say that nine times out of ten when you confront a stalker from a position of strength, they back off immediately.
"This has been my experience many times," said Ni, "both to deal with aggressive people and to help my clients or my students deal with thugs."
Sutton agrees. "When people defend themselves, it doesn't work very well, but the bigger the gang is, the more power and security they have in the situation," he says. "Successful efforts against everything from abusive Catholic priests to Harvey Weinstein are good examples."
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