The first date is reminiscent of a job interview: we want to obtain as much information as possible from the person who aspires to fill the vacancy in our hearts, or in our bed. So much so that, instead of letting ourselves be carried away by the evening and enjoying the moment, we ended up presenting a kind of questionnaire designed to detect the candidate's strengths and weaknesses. There is no shortage of questions about the sexual past, such as have you had a stable partner ? Why did your last relationships fail? And the highlight of the shame: how many people have you slept with?
You have to be a very direct person to torment the poor applicant with the last question. But let's face it, it's a question that needs to be settled sooner or later if the relationship goes forward. For some it is a delicate moment, others see it as a mere procedure, or a whole test of self-esteem, or an exercise in speculative mathematics, for the most "creative" people ... But everyone thinks the same thing, what's the point? always ask the same question?
What's your Number?
For the sexologist Silvia Pérez, this consultation does not recall so much a job interview as the assessment of the signing of an athlete. "It is like a kind of 'check' that is done to see if we are playing in the same league or it is time to undertake a value judgment." That explains that, when we feel under that magnifying glass, "we usually inflate or deflate the figure according to the person who asks." We do it even unconsciously, which is funny because how do we know what the right answer is?
According to research from the University of Nottingham in Malaysia, published in The Journal of Sex Research, although it is perceived as positive that the future couple has a good love story, both men and women prefer the number of ex-sexual partners also not too broad . A very clear guideline ... to confuse things even more.
This being the case, it is not surprising at all that so much disquisition on numerical issues has given even to make a movie, titled What's your number? ("What is your number", in English). The script starts from the premise that number 20 is the top of sexual partners. From that border, one should prepare for the difficulties of finding a stable partner. It is obvious that the figure is relative, and that it depends on the life and circumstances of each person, but it would be cruel not to have a guide to guide the answers in such difficult interrogations. According to Statista data from 2018, 34% of Spaniards surveyed claimed to have had 1 to 3 sexual partners, 28% from 4 to 8, 15% from 9 to 13, 9% from 14 to 19 and 12 % would exceed the magic number of 20.
Apart from the obvious mistrust of the capacity for commitment, one of the explanations for setting this limit is that there is consensus that a greater number of couples is associated with a higher risk of contracting sexually transmitted diseases.
For all these reasons, Silvia Pérez points out, the real number is one thing and the number that we reveal is another. "If I think I am going to look like someone who is not capable of committing I will tend to make up the figure by reducing it; if, on the contrary, I consider that I am going to look like someone with little experience in relationships, I will count the battles more epically. For that, better not ask?
Do I wait for the second date, the third, to lose count?
Yes, there comes a point where judgment is inevitable and you have to put on your defense attorney's gown. What better time to give free rein to the filibuster that we all have inside to avoid providing information (Filibusterism: Parliamentary obstructionism, according to DRAE). Well, it will be a good excuse to look for exceptions to the norm in the ins and outs of the regulation, but the expert advice recommends leaving the blockade for another time.
Psychologist Inma Ríos admits that it seems risky, but she advocates not being stingy in the details. "Informing the current couple about previous sexual experiences can facilitate communication in bed," he says. It is not a light reason, there is a lot of satisfaction at stake. All in all, the expert advises changing the defense strategy and turning the conversation more towards "how" than "how much". In other words, referring to past experiences rather than game statistics, "talking about what we like without having to say with whom and how many times it has been practiced before."
Another thing is to distinguish when it is appropriate to address the issue. "The first dates are not the most appropriate to talk about other sexual relationships, but it is true that this topic is less painful at the beginning of the relationship, when the degree of commitment is not very high," according to Ríos. But Pérez believes that this question arises early "not so much because we are interested in the data, but because there is a lack of communication skills in the first dates", that is why we make preconceived inquiries, without thinking about whether it is the best of ideas. "If everything flows, it will emerge naturally, in the same way that we tell each other things about our family or other aspects of our past," he says.
When rodeo is the most direct path
There are two types of person, the one who brings up this topic and the one who takes it away. If you are one of the first, "a factor to consider is the security that our partner shows in himself and in the relationship. Many times we are overcome by curiosity," reflects Ríos. It can also happen that we ask the question and notice that the other person feels uncomfortable and prefers not to answer. "You have to respect if you do not want to know or talk about the subject, in the same way that they must also respect us," says Ríos bluntly.
Who belongs to the second type of person, who does not raise this issue but inevitably put it on the table, Pérez advises to keep in mind that "honest sharing does not mean being reckless. In a quality communication we will analyze what to tell and what to reserve." And if you are the exception that confirms the rule, of those who ask and answer as they please, perhaps you should bear in mind that not all people are like this: some are very insecure, others have a tendency to go too far around things, for some sexuality is an uncomfortable topic ...
In order not to screw up, the psychologist proposes not to stay only in a number or in a specific anecdote, but to propose the conversation as a game to get to know us better and be better bedmates. "The subject must be approached from the intention of gaining knowledge, communication and growth." Thus, he advises to put "a game point asking ourselves questions like 'where is the rarest place in which you have done it?' or 'tell me about your funniest sexual experience. " All this without losing sight of the fact that "on a more emotional level it also enriches the sharing of learning from past relationships," concludes the expert. The important thing is to participate, but with this game, everyone also wins.
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