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What do celebrities do to entertain themselves in quarantine? 1:01
(CNN) - As countries close and their loved ones huddle to resist what could well be weeks of coronavirus-induced isolation, family tensions are mounting.
Like a canary in a coal mine, children are often the first to respond negatively to any stress in the family unit, so parents, don't be surprised if your kids are already upset and fighting at levels far above from their normal sibling fights.
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“Sometimes parents feel like, 'Oh my gosh, how can they have this discussion right now? How now when I am in this moment of coronavirus panic? What's wrong with them? '”Said pediatrician Jenny Radesky, spokeswoman for the American Academy of Pediatrics.
Here on CNN, many of us are also parents. Just like you, we look in shock and amazement at our children as their temperaments explode. Like you, we need tips for parents as we try to work from home and juggle home schooling, meal preparation, and family dynamics, while worrying about what to do when the toilet paper runs out.
That's why we contacted the best experts in child development to ask everyone this simple question: “Please, can you help us?”
Take your own emotional temperature
"First of all, if parents act stressed, anxious, and fighting, kids will, too," said pediatrician Tanya Altmann, editor-in-chief of the American Academy of Pediatrics book "Caring for Your Baby and Young Child: Birth to Age 5 and The Wonder Years. "
"The first thing is to review how they behave as parents at home," said Altmann. "A lot of times, when a home is chaotic, it's because of what comes from the parents."
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What if you are not aware of being anxious?
"Check with your body," suggests Radesky, an assistant professor of pediatrics at the University of Michigan with a pediatric subspecialty in child development behavior.
“And I don't mean fever, cough; I mean, do you feel your heart beating harder in your chest? Do you feel tension in your muscles? Do you have more headaches? Do you have more trouble sleeping? Do you feel more like an upset stomach? ”He explains.
"These are all the ways that stress affects our body systems that we are not even aware of because you get so used to this type of chronic hypervigilance," said Radesky.
"Check your emotions and make sure that you are dealing with them in a healthy way, it will be the first preventive step to eliminate many childhood fights," he added.
Control your child's emotional temperature
How can you tell if it's stress that may be driving your child's negative behavior?
"Do your children show their usual stressful behaviors?" Asked Radesky. “Some children become really challenging, others become more controlling or repetitive, always wanting to do the same thing in the same way. Other children become sticky. "
"My kids say, 'Can we play video games all day? Leave us as being out of the zone and we don't have to think about all this. ' And it's really tempting to want to let them out. But we have to talk about it at some point every day, "added Radesky.
READ: Tips from a teacher: this way you can educate your children at home in the middle of the coronavirus emergency
Children may be especially concerned with how you parents can respond.
"They know that we will be yelling at them more easily, or we could start to criticize the things they are doing and react strongly," said Radesky.
"When we talk about development about children, they don't have the internal resources we have to control this level of stress and frustration," said psychologist Vaile Wright, director of clinical research for the American Psychological Association.
"So this is how it ends up manifesting itself, in fights, because they don't know how to express what they are going through," added Wright.
"Parents should also remember that adult conversations should take place after children are in bed and cannot hear, because children are always listening and aware," Altmann stressed.
"All of these steps, like parents pausing and self-regulating and trying to understand what drives children's behavior, are techniques that parents have told me in clinical practice that really help," added Radesky. . "It is much more difficult to access those skills when you feel imprisoned with the panic that is occurring right now."
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Whatever you do, carefully communicate with your children about the coronavirus, Wright emphasized.
"It is incredibly critical for parents to be honest in their communication, not to lie about how serious this is, but also to model a sense of calm or resilience during this situation," she advised. "If you panic, they will panic."
Dealing with a crisis
What are some of the best ways to deal with a growing outburst of anger between siblings?
Take a break: Experts say no one is too old to take a break (even parents).
"They can take a breather, reduce their emotions," said Wright. "Because it's really difficult to have a constructive conversation when your emotions are particularly intense."
Use the "I " statements : "Then you would like them to come back and, much like how you want adults to resolve fights, you would encourage them to do things like talk in what we call" I "statements. Rather than saying things like "you took my so-and-so," a "me" statement could be "I really felt hurt when I saw you take so-and-so," Wright explained.
In psychology, "I" statements are often used to disable fights, and also to prevent them from starting.
READ: How to entertain yourself in the midst of the coronavirus crisis?
"They encourage a child [or adult] to express how they feel," said Wright. "And it also makes the other person less likely to be defensive, making it more feasible to have a constructive conversation back and forth."
No name calling: obviously don't let kids insult each other (yes, it's easier said than done).
Stay focused on the now: you don't want to allow children to mention things that happened the day before or the week before (as many of us adults do). Just keep it in the discussion or fight of that moment.
Prepare your children for success
Since we cover discussions, it's time to prepare your children for success by cutting out what's bothering them at the root.
Routine is key: “Kids still need a routine, and they need both a level of productive activities and downtime, so make sure you have a set schedule that they understand and know why it exists. It is a good way to help reduce these fights. " Wright said.
Eject that excess energy: yes, it is exercise in the open air, but perhaps it is also reduction of frustration outside.
"Children are often aggressive towards their siblings because it makes them feel good to move their bodies and push or kick things to get all this nervous or excited energy out," said Radesky.
READ: How to survive confinement of the coronavirus as parents, especially mothers who carry the burden
"That's where having some time outdoors, if it's possible to run or a little bit of safe wrestling between parent and child or other kinds of running, it can really help," he said.
“I was letting my son hit a stick against a fence in our yard. I thought, 'I'm just going to let him do that because he probably has accumulated feelings right now.' ”
Change perspective and offer control: teach conflict resolution and let children have a say too.
"Thinking about someone else's perspective: Sometimes kids need to be broken down and help them understand someone else's point of view," said Radesky.
"When conflicts do occur, help them understand the perspectives of others and give them an opportunity to find a solution: 'What would you do differently next time?'"
"Giving children the opportunity to solve problems collaboratively gives them more sense of control," said Radesky.
Be the voice: Many children, especially younger ones, do not have the words they need to fulfill their wishes. Parents who recognize this may be the "voice" they need, Radesky said.
"I see there are a lot of discussions between children who just can't explain their plans to each other," he said. And they don't have "the language or the social skills to negotiate just yet or to come up with a flexible plan."
"They may need a parent to step in and say, 'Hey, you play this for 10 minutes, you play this for 10 minutes, let's set a clock.'"
Build cooperation with sibling teams: That's right: Parents vs. Kids - in board games, card games, backyard soccer, whatever. Your kids will love it and they will work together instead of fighting.
“It is not their fault that they think the other person is an enemy. Sometimes they need to be reminded that they are on the same team, ”said Radesky.
“We had something last weekend where one of my sons was going to look at this map from the Legend of Zelda and give the other advice on where they should go. Then at dinner they had to say why they were grateful to have a brother.
LOOK: Children and coronavirus: five tips from a pediatrician for parents
"We were on a field, and one of them found a soccer ball and they were going to play against each other," Radesky continued.
"No, no, you guys play against me," he said. "I'm going to be a goalkeeper, and they have to pass each other, and we'll take turns shooting."
"You know, I love those moments when they suddenly shake hands," he said with a laugh.
Don't forget yourself
Probably the most important thing parents can do to keep peace with the younger members of the family is to be kind and caring to each other and to themselves, Wright said.
"One of the things parents need to do is take time for themselves, which I know is difficult to do right now," he said. "But you won't be able to model that resistance and that strength [for your children] unless you're also taking care of yourself."
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That could be as simple as retiring for 10 minutes to regroup your thoughts or taking time to breathe deeply, "he added.
"That could be all the time you have. But taking that time is really critical, so you can model your children's good behavior, "said Wright.
There is also another key message for parents, Radesky said.
Take a break.
"There is no perfect way to do this," he emphasized. "And sometimes you can misjudge and think, 'Oh, I'm going to ignore that and let them figure it out for themselves.' And other times you can intervene too soon. And that's okay! This is all just a work in progress. ”
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