There is a notion that snuggling body to body in the same bed is a mandatory rule in any self-respecting relationship, and that skipping it indicates marital coldness, if not a poor sex life. Sleeping together, on the contrary, is associated with commitment and romanticism. So it is unlikely that someone who practices night distance will confess it to their friends or office colleagues; Sleeping in separate beds is one of the great taboos that surround the couple's environment. But reality dismantles the topics.
Marina's testimony (47) is an example of what it is really like to sleep in separate beds: "During the first years of my marriage I slept fatally at night. During the day I felt exhausted and irritated. One winter I caught a very bad flu severe and, so as not to infect my husband, I decided to rest on the sofa. After a week, I realized that I slept better despite not sleeping in a bed. I concluded that what disturbed my sleep was sharing a bed with my partner, and that the rest was altered by his movements and snoring. I asked him the question, somewhat self-conscious because he did not want him to feel rejected, and after discussing it we saw that we were compensated for trying. Since then I sleep wonderfully, I wake up fresh, energetic and in a good mood. It has positively influenced our happiness. "
Marina's choice is more common than it sounds. According to a survey carried out by the National Sleep Foundation of the United States in 2005, 23% of couples in the country opted for this type of overnight stay. A 2013 study by Ryerson University in Toronto, Canada puts the number of couples sleeping separately at between 30 and 40%. In the United Kingdom, 15% of the population considers it the ideal option, according to YouGov; two thirds of them believe that it is best to have even separate rooms. And many of those who sleep as a couple would like to be in their pajamas: 62% would prefer to sleep alone, according to a survey by bed maker Leesa.
The curious thing is that past generations exercised this "bed divorce" with total normality. In his book How to Sleep Well , sleep specialist Neil Stanley, from the University of Surrey, UK, remembers that sharing a bed is a relatively recent custom, a consequence of overcrowding in cities during the industrial revolution. In the Victorian era it was not uncommon for marriages to separate to sleep, and there was even a time when couples slept in separate beds on the advice of the board. Hilary Hinds, of the British University of Lancaster, affirms in A Cultural History of Twin Beds that in the 19th century the double bed was not recommended, that in the crazy twenties the separated beds were a sign of modernity, and that it was not until 1950s when his bad name began to be coined.
"I wish we had made the decision much sooner!"
"I think that loving someone is not incompatible with feeling overwhelmed by sleeping with them at night. To me, the closeness of another body between the sheets makes me very hot, not to mention claustrophobic. We have been five or Six years sleeping in separate beds, and I think it is the best decision we have made as a couple.I would say more: the reduction of physical contact at night has caused our desire to touch each other during the day, to become affectionate, to hug each other ... We both felt more rested and happy. I wish we had made the decision much sooner! " With experiences like this by Adrián (51), it is clear why even some doctors recommend sleeping separately.
"From the emotional point of view, sharing a bed is very gratifying," concedes Eduard Estivill, director of the Estivill Sleep Clinic (Barcelona). "But from a purely scientific point of view," he adds, "we must consider what repercussions it may have to be sleeping next to a person, perhaps holding or holding on for a long time at night. What we know today is that when we sleep it is as if we were going down." the steps of a staircase. First we enter superficial sleep, then comes deep sleep and then REM sleep. Any external noise, any stimulation, anything the couple next to us does, for example, a snore, a shake of the legs, or if one day by whatever it is that he is more nervous and turns more in the bed, any situation of the person that we have next to us can affect us ".
"Even if it is, the next day we will have the feeling of not having rested enough; we will not be able to get to a deep sleep because of these stimuli from the person next to us." Estivill goes further, and believes that in an ideal world it would be appropriate to have individual bedrooms. "It is the most sensible from a physiological point of view, although this is almost utopian nowadays. If it is not possible, it would have to be in separate beds, although sometimes noise, cough or snoring would bother almost as much; perhaps we would remove movements, kicks, but we couldn't avoid auditory stimuli. "
"Now going to each other's bed is a game"
Nighttime division does not appear to be an obstacle to sex. Stanley believes that "potentially sleeping apart implies that you will have a better sleep, you will feel better and happier and much more predisposed to cuddling; this is undoubtedly more romantic than having your partner disturb your sleep and make you think: ' You've ruined my night and you want to have sex on top. "
Vera (42): "My husband and I are related in infinity of things, but unfortunately we have different needs at bedtime: he is very cold, if he were he would cover himself with a duvet even in summer; he moves a lot and I snore. I like the room to be cool, even leaving the window ajar if it is not too cold. During the seven years we have been together we have alternated our preferences, and as a result neither of us slept well. Worse still: it was a source of conflict. Finally, and as luckily we have a big house, we agreed to move him to another bedroom. The discussions are over, we are both in a better mood during the day and it has not interfered at all with our sex life; now going to each other's beds is a kind of game. " A game that for them is new but that takes us to the origins of our civilization: in ancient Rome, the marital bed was a space for sexual recreation, not for rest. We have changed a lot.
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