If your children are misbehaving or throwing tantrums, they could be sad due to stress from the coronavirus

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Covid-19: four ways to avoid childhood anxiety 1:54

(CNN) - The pandemic brought great turmoil to the lives of Amber Sparks and her 5-year-old daughter, who has displayed rebellious behavior due to this situation.

Sparks, a Washington-based writer and author of the short story collection "And I Don't Forgive You," recently had to watch her daughter have a crisis for "something incredibly trivial, like breaking a crayon or something."

"She started screaming and throwing things, she even fell to the floor, and it lasted half an hour, I think. He never had tantrums like that, until now, ”said Sparks.

"He just got tired. In the end, she was crying silently in her bed, and I was hugging her, and she said very quietly, 'I miss school and I miss my friends.' It was very sad. "

• How should children be released after quarantine?

Sparks and his daughter live in a small apartment in the city, where they used to tour parks, museums, restaurants, libraries, and bookstores. Most of the time they are home alone now, Sparks said. And her daughter had never beaten her mother or anyone else until this crisis.

"I can see her feeling so frustrated, and see all the feelings increase, and her little body can't contain them all," said Sparks. "I'm just trying to hug her because what else can I do?"

Sparks' tweet about that crisis received more than a quarter of a million interactions, as other parents sympathized by sharing similar experiences.

Children are sad because they miss their friends, their routines, structure and predictability, said Christopher Willard, a professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and author of "The Breathing Book," a children's breathing practice book.

They feel the same emotions as adults about the pandemic, Willard said, but they express them in different ways: they cry, they cut their hair, they scream, argue and fight with their siblings.

With the advice of a psychiatrist and psychologist who specialize in working with children, parents can pause and respond productively. They can help your children through difficult times and prevent (some) future breakdowns by supporting their emotional stability and giving them the tools to express their feelings.

Recognize the root of misbehavior

Even the best parents have trouble keeping up with the basics while working from home, trying to keep regular hours during the day, putting three healthy meals on the table, making sure their kids get enough exercise, and sticking to routines for their lunch time. sleep, said Willard.

"That has been difficult for our children," said Willard. "That is also going to affect his mental health. It will affect your impulse control and your ability to regulate your emotions. "

Children can also go back to the hobbies and misbehavior of their younger years because it makes them feel safe. Children also don't get the social reinforcement from their peers who tell them that tantrums are not great. That is good group pressure that they lack.

If they engage in more destructive behaviors, like cutting their hair, they could be bored, said Mary Alvord, a Maryland-based psychologist specializing in youth treatment and co-author of "Conquering Negative Thinking for Teens."

"The other thing that is happening is that the parents are very stressed, so the kids are at home and they probably get a good amount of attention from the parents when they are at home," Willard said. "Now it's like, 'No, mom or dad is really busy right now and can't pay attention to you.'"

Wanting a parent's attention could be the reason behind a crisis or more challenging behavior, he added. And when parents are stressed and impatient, they are more likely to tease their children, creating a vicious circle.

"[Tantruming may be] normal for children, especially when they are not as verbal," Alvord said. “[Younger children] cannot articulate their feelings in a necessary or clear way. It often manifests itself by misbehaving. "

Lately, kids are also presented with new developmental challenges.

They have learned to get bored for short periods of time at home between school days, activities, and social time, but not for hours on end. They know how to handle frustrations and boredom in the classroom, but not in Zoom.

These changes accumulate in children, and their reactions are relatively normal, Willard said.

"At this point, just assume that what lies beyond is sadness," added Willard. "It's not personal, and they're not doing it to drive you crazy or to ruin your phone call or ruin your dinner plans or something.

“They are doing it because they are sad, they are alone; Maybe they are hungry or tired. They really feel out of control. "

At the same time, parents should watch for and question recurring behaviors (isolation, lack of sleep, constant misbehavior) as possible signs that something more serious is happening, such as depression, anxiety, or inattention. In that case it may help to contact a therapist or psychiatrist to have virtual appointments with the child or parents.

Helping children cope with their emotions

If at the end of a tantrum a child admits what's really wrong, it's a great time because it means he trusts his parents, Willard said. But the goal is to improve the time it takes to go from tantrum to admission from a time of 40 minutes to just five minutes.

Parents can try to connect with their child by validating their feelings, Willard suggested, and telling them they are there if the children need a hug. Tell him that you love him and that you understand that this situation is very difficult.

Ask the child what he was thinking and feeling at the time so you can learn about his triggers, Alvord recommended.

“I think that as parents we can review ourselves more and say: 'How are you doing? Do you feel good now What do you hope to do today? Do you want to organize a FaceTime with your friends later today? '”Willard added.

Parents can also help children feel more comfortable with what is not currently available to them by focusing on what is going well and what they can control. But still, be honest with them about the pandemic, so you don't lose their trust, Alvord said. Just don't let the kids turn everything into a catastrophe.

"Part of what you can do to cope is discover the most missing areas and how, as a parent, you can orchestrate to help them have those connections with friends, a cousin, relatives and anyone else," Alvord recommended. "Then they will be more physically relaxed, more engaged and feel better."

That way, even though their social lives are not the same, children may feel that some aspects of life are predictable, safe, and worth waiting for.

Emotional intelligence lessons

Learning emotional intelligence is a key part of growth and it is important to navigate through this difficult time.

It is a type of intelligence that allows someone to "process emotional information and use it in reasoning and other cognitive activities," according to the American Psychological Association.

Proposed by American psychologists Peter Salovey and John D. Mayer in 1989, emotional intelligence comprises four skills: accurately perceiving and evaluating emotions; access and express emotions when they help to understand the situation; understand emotional language and make use of information; and regulate one's and others' emotions to promote personal growth and well-being.

Everyone needs these skills to be successful in their personal and professional lives, and parents can use the hottest or saddest moments of children to develop those skills.

"Start early," said Alvord. "We have to learn to tolerate a certain amount of anguish and moderate our emotions because life is full of many anguishes."

Start by naming the emotions that arise in characters from books, favorite TV shows, or movies that you expose your children to, Willard suggested. Talk and explain the feelings so that children can soon recognize and label their own emotions.

"So they are much more capable of regulating their emotions and having that emotional intelligence that we want them to have," he said.

Playing games like I Spy, 20 questions, Mom, can I? o Simon Dice can teach impulse control and develop a child's ability to understand the perspectives and experiences of others. "They're also good cognitive brain builders for kids when they go back to school, to keep their brains in shape with exercise," said Willard.

Play time is also a period for children to relax with their parents and spend more time together, Alvord said.

Continue conversations about feelings beyond eruptive moments: At the end of the day, talk about emotions as they arise and ask the children when they were last felt. It is key to reinforce the habit of sharing and talking about problems by modeling that behavior.

While parents have room for their children when they are sad and work with them in a productive expression, they must be patient with themselves and with their children.

"This is a really difficult time for all of us, so don't be too hard on yourself," Willard said. Consult with your friends who are also parents so that everyone can face and manage together and take ideas from each other. If you need more help, call the school or seek professional help, where counselors, social workers, and social psychologists can be ready and waiting to help.

"Don't hesitate to come closer," Willard advised.