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From Susi Caramelo to Joaquín Reyes: pandemic humor


Comic conclave during confinement. A telematic meeting to talk about the moment we are experiencing and also to glimpse the immediate future. The screen lights up and Eva Hache, Javier Coronas, Joaquín Reyes, José Mota, Santiago Segura, Susi Caramelo, Lorena Castell, Luis Piedrahita and Toni Martínez appear.

The Schrödinger days

"My days are going slow and fast, I have the feeling that each day is very long but when I realize it, it is over," starts Eva Hache. José Mota is "harrrrrto" of doing inland tourism, "I know every corner of the house and I have the feeling of having passed there before, it is like groundhog day." Javier Coronas has discovered the hard drug from the news bulletins and now he has to be near a radio when the time signals sound. Luis Piedrahita takes it "between bad and very bad, but well, that is how you have to wear it." Santiago Segura has taken advantage of two courses and a supplement, “engineer and lawyer. Apart from rude ”. "Drawing, like Hannibal Lecter, but without eating people", is Toni Martínez. Susi Caramelo has dedicated herself to postponing everything she can, "I have realized that I am super lazy". And Lorena Castell has tried her luck with the large estates and the tractors. But we will come back to that later.

The new abnormality

Starting from the generous premise that before all this started we were normal, how do you imagine the new normal?

Lecturer Piedrahíta: “I have the feeling that all our lives we have reached new normalities. I was born in Coruña, I learned to drive in Coruña, and coming to Madrid and driving here was a new normal. You're single, you're getting married, and it's a new normal. You have a son and it's a new normal. You have a tractor, and it's a new normal. We are constantly adapting and when we have adapted, another worse will come. This is a reassuring message for everyone. Do not worry, because the worst is yet to come. I leave it there".

Pick up the Mota glove: “I want to go back to the old abnormality, with all the flaws it had! It is that we do not value what we had. The feeling was wonderful. The first thing I will do is leave the house and go back inside, for doing it because I want to, not because I'm locked up. Running of the bulls I prefer those of Pamplona ”.

"They last four minutes," adds Piedrahita.

Skills, crafts and a tractor

The key word is sanding. A few days before the confinement, Coronas picked up a chair from the garbage “with the aim of restoring it. When the quarantine started, I started to sand it, sand it and sand it ... and today the chair is one centimeter narrower because of all its bars. It is becoming very thin. ”

Reyes works with a more sensitive material (a priori): “You sand things, I sand myself. I chiselled myself. I have chosen to sand and chisel myself. I don't know what the new normal will be like, but I'm going to be new, of course. I'm going to be lean, but lean lean ”

Segura has mixed crafts and sports: “I have been sanding chairs, cultivating buttocks. I have also returned to crafts: now I masturbate much more "

Castell has opened the field of vision. Lorena Castell. “I have become a ruralita. I have learned to plant tomatoes, zucchini, potatoes to know how a tractor works… ”.

Do you have a tractor? Asks the choir.

“Yes, yes, but what we did not know was that the batteries of the tractor are charged the same as those of a car but they are turned upside down. There was no YouTube tutorial on the subject… ”.

"Didn't you know that, Lorena? It is soooo obvious… ”

The money

Skip the question: Will there be money in the future?

"The physical money will disappear," says Caramelo.

"It will only be psychic money," adds Piedrahita.

And it will achieve everything. Also magic, of course, to see which child is interested in seeing how something that has already disappeared disappears.

"Luis, perhaps in the new normality you say: 'I have a bitcoin here , as you can see, it is a normal and current bitcoin like the one you have," says Reyes.

"Now we are going to encrypt this cryptocurrency and we are going to decrypt it in your pockets", ends the prestige, Piedrahita.

Go out, drink, the usual roll?

Bars, that way of being so Spanish that it is also a business. Castell has one. "Now, when people are having a drink with distance, the interaction begins and there is a bit of a return ... because there someone ends up eating the ear heavily. And what do I do? Should I put two police officers and a waiter? A methacrylate partition? ”He asks himself.

"And the people who drink a lot and give you the ember in your ear, what are we going to do with those people? Are we going to set a drinking limit for them? ”Asks Caramelo.

"It is good for me that those people who drink a lot come to the bar, to compensate," Castell replies.

“But in the phases, all that will be controlled. There will be a number of people per role. Phase 1: a drunk, a heavy ... ", Reyes scales.

Toni Martínez imagines bars “like a Buñuel movie. Each one in a corner and without touching. "

"It is that there will be non-approved professions that will disappear. For example: the scallion scrub, "says Hache." And the hoteliers have run out of guiris to scam them, they will have to turn the business around. "

"There is talk of defrauding the locals," adds Segura.

From left to right, Lorena Castell, Luis Piedrahita, Javier Coronas, Susi Caramelo, Joaquín Reyes, Santiago Segura, José Mota, Eva Hache and Toni Martínez.

Dancing close together will be dancing?

Segura belongs "to the risk group". Which may have its advantages. "Now they invite me to weddings, baptisms and communions and I say no, of course." It will get rid of the risk that a conga entails, but the doubt arises about what will happen with the perreo. "I am a little old, but the bullfighting is not dangerous because it is done from the back, right ?.

"The hard thing is cheek to cheek, " says Reyes.

“Now the hard part will be dancing close together!”, Segura closes.

Dab Bunny, by the way, has been a visionary: his latest hit is called “I Perreo Alone”.

Travel and Javier Krahe

"The trips will be counted," says Mota. But in every crisis there is someone who could win. In this, for the moment and in the absence of chance rolling their dice, it is Caramelo: “As they are going to limit the capacity, they are going to raise prices. I travel with Ryanair, now I will have a much better chance of winning the scratch card. ”

Coronas is concerned about the people who are in his house and does not know what may come his way. "Those people who are so calm in their town of Teruel throughout the year, that no one of them has ever agreed. And now the rock is going and since they cannot travel they say, come on, let's see this town to see how it is.

"Maybe now Puertollano is like this!" Reyes proposes sweeping home and repeating the gesture of how the plaza was.

Hache travels to Venice: “Hey, how happy will people be there? They had been unable to enjoy their city for decades. Although if you think about the captain of the cruises, that every night he has to have dinner with different people. What will they do with it? Will they laminate it? ”

Castell, who has passed the covid-19 and who in recent weeks has canceled flights to different sites, including Milan. Maybe, as Coronas suggests, he was going to a tractor fair. The case is that "for whatever reason", he canceled it. "Now I only dream of going to the beach."

"But, do you know that the waves are also going to carry a safety distance?" Asks Reyes.

"Every two meters. The waves together can no longer be together, "says Segura.

"Krahe already said it, badly looked at the sea is a redundancy", Hache poetically points out.

Full service at the airport

Caramelo is one of those that touch everything. “The kind that in duti free sprays itself with perfume as if there were no tomorrow. And of course, it will be very violent because the saleswoman will never throw it at me as much as I do. It will be like when I put on my tie, I always ask for "a little more, honey."

Reyes will know little about any new safety rule: “I already loved the process of going through the arch. About taking off my shoes, my belt, some things on one tray, others on another. I will receive very well to do more things. Start taking off clothes, give you a vaporetta, everything we can add to that process that was short for me, for me, phenomenal. That they graduate my sight, that they take my fever ...

"Let us take the fever anally," says Segura.

"I didn't know it could be taken anywhere else," answers Reyes.

The masks, a must antigorrones

Sunglasses and a mask can be a winning combination at this time. Covering so much percentage of face it will be difficult not to be, at least, interesting. But, like all garments, they will have to adapt to the human being. Castell predicts that it will be part of the “ total look . The mask will go with the pants. We will have to get used to it being this way until the end of the year at least. ”

"There will have to be a smoking format. Like a hatch like that of a cat. ”, Coronas proposes.

"With a straw to drink the cup," adds Hache.

We are getting closer to the ideal mask.

"You have to do them with an exhaust pipe, if not, it's like a car in winter, which fogs up," says Piedrahita.

We go to the high range, an occurrence of Reyes: “The mask is a flask. That people get there what they want. She puts them on. They are administered it. They are going to be people who may be happier or sadder depending on what they have there. ”

Although no one present has ever passed a joint, it seems that the mask will bring certain advantages in the world of the illegal. "They will have to be one-person. And that person who said: ah, me a bit and no more ... ”, imagines Coronas.

However, it will help many couples who will no longer have to argue about sharing dessert.

And it will serve to cure humility. For Piedrahita, "it is very good for everyone to smell their breath."

The personality

"The masks make cordiality difficult," says Martínez.

"But you can smile with your eyes," answers Caramelo.

"Or with the child inside you," closes Hache.

To be recognized with the mask is “to break the record of famousness”. The other day happened to Segura.

Caramelo is less amused: “I'm screwed. She had just hit the ball and there is confinement. I need a clear mask. "

“In general, it's okay for people to cover their faces. Not in my case, because I have a mouth made for sin, but in general I see people well covered. But another thing that I am going to say is that we hug a lot. Much hug, much kiss, I like it now. Not even about the elbow. Raise an eyebrow, and that means I have missed you, I love you very much or whatever you want, but let's go to the minimum gesture. Come kisses and come hugs, now you find someone and maybe it is your mother or father, but an eyebrow movement and that's it, ”Reyes dixit.

The end of the one-armed line

Who's going to the movies to eat popcorn with a mask? Segura wonders.

"Or to roll up? Now we have to go see the movie, "says Caramelo.

"Will the kissing and hugging scenes cut?" Adds Reyes.

"In phase 1 trios are allowed, but only with a third of the attendees," adds Piedrahita.

“I am very happy with the premiere of my movie on August 7th. It's a little reckless, but I want to premiere. "

"Will it be a new ball," asks Mota.

”I see a 30% ball. It is what is called the new ball. The new normal, the new ball. I'm up to my eggs. "

Customs and habits

"In the supermarket," says Mota, "I take out the carpenter's subway and come back. But they approach you and touch the same fruit as you, has it happened to you, Luis? ”

"Yes. Yes, from licking the handrail of the subway and people coming to tell me not to do it, that it could be wrong ”.

Others want to change even traditions. Caramelo's neighbors leave their shoes at the doors. Madrid customs scene in an act:

"Today I am going to fill them with candy and charcoal, so that they think that the Three Kings have come in May. I'm going to go to Paco Candy, see if I can find it. ”

"Yes, Caramelo Paco will be open for you" (Safe).

"Let the dog shit in one of the shoes, like a surprise party." (Crowns).

"If I could train him for that, but he doesn't even know how to screw it up." (Candy).

"Good, but he will shit" (Crowns)

Anonymous balconies

In a country with more than 40 million soccer coaches, new options have emerged with the pandemic.

Martínez points to the “double degree of soccer coach and pandemic expert. Experts of experts in anything ”.

The insult has also been professionalized. “In this country little has been insulted in this country. If they insult me, it must be from the balcony. And we should expand it to other themes. Too bad you combine the colors, go home! That everything that we see and that we do not like others, we say from the balcony ", proposes Reyes.

"That's a little Twitter," Segura replies, "Twitter abalconao."

For Caramelo, these people “are going to have a very bad time when we get to phase 3. They have a false sense of authority. There will be two guys, those who stay cucu and in phase 4 they will keep yelling at you, that it is not yet eight! And then there will be those who go down little by little and will be breaking all the rules that they themselves accused of breaking from the balcony. ”

Be careful, it starts the thing:

Martínez: "Someone may evolve into a superhero who, through a mutation, becomes a superbalcon. He descends with his cloak and attacks those who do not comply. A balconazi."

Safe: "Anonymous balconies"

Fernando Simón and SpongeBob

Segura only asks that Fernando Simón and SpongeBob disappear from his television. What raises a deep - understand the pun - debate on whether they are the same person or not. The fact that they have never been seen together raises suspicions. It may be a hoax.

Pass the virus or not

For Coronas, the ideal would be that the test that determines whether you have passed the Coronavirus or not is like that of the magazines of the heart.

To Mota, getting into the virus information generates "absolute paranoia". And then the common place of the Covid-19 arises, which is already old enough to have its own: that of people who are sure that it has passed.

For Reyes, “there are people who have passed like someone who saw Terrence Malick's The Tree of Life . I have seen it and I have not found out ”.

Get home and get naked

Going home will no longer be the same. According to Caramelo, there are already elevators with stickers that prohibit neighbors from going together in the elevator. Everyone in favor.

"It was that before we went crazy, we left the keys, we threw the coat," recalls Reyes.

"My mother has arrived, she has removed her gloves, she has given the boy a hug ... yeah, bad," says Castell.

"A grandmother hugging her grandson, disgusting it gives me. Disinfect and disinfect the child first! And then we'll see ”, screams Reyes.

“The bleach will have to be passed through all the clothes. Undress completely and then you go around naked for two blocks from the neighborhood, to clear it up, ”proposes Mota.

Breakfast in bed

“What will be very good is that there will no longer be a free buffet in the hotels. To me, that they bring me breakfast in bed without paying the supplement seems to me wonderful. The only thing I'm afraid of falling in love with the waiter, because no one has ever done it for me, "dreams Caramelo.

“You are a romantic”, Castell wakes her up.

Who cleans the tap with which you clean your hands?

"I signed to stay another two fucking months at home, but that is over. The paranoia of washing hands. But dammit, if I turned the tap on with my hands without washing. I've seen myself washing the tap, ”Segura recalls.

"I have a person who turns on and turns off the tap," Reyes presumes.

"A potentially healthy person is understood." Clarifies Hache.

A world on horseback

Coronas asks that the policemen not leave on horseback. "I do not want them to leave because it is a detail. You go out to your balcony and you hear them and you say, how cool to fuck the Far West. I would remove the cars and leave everyone on horseback. It would be much more fun, the chases. El Glovo or deliveroo on horseback ... or by tractor. Tying the horse to the door of your bar. Doing breathalyzer checks. A bag for when you shit. Or four ”.

"For when the police or the horse shit?" They question him.

"Couldn't we go back to normal and leave everything clean, as it has been?" Asks Hache.

Sex in your city

Martínez longs for the complaint about what happened to us before, although we are recovering it after eight. You are walking, avoiding people and everyone to the same place. To the beach, to the beach! As if the Pied Piper of Hamelin lived on the beach. You get home stressed. ”

Mota saw some free space in the first days of permission to walk. “Someone else still fit. I saw bald spots ”. By allusions Segura answers: "Well, I didn't go out."

"How do you put an order? Well, if everyone decides to go out at eight, it is a hunk, "Castell said indignantly.

Piedrahita proposes a cultural plan: “See the museums of your own city. Sex in marriage is like visiting museums in your own city. ”

They all agree on the advantages of living in Madrid. By that of the quantity and quality of the number of museums, it is understood.

Personal knowledge

Many people have taken advantage of confinement to relocate internally.

Reyes: “I had nothing to relocate. I confined myself as a wonderful human being. What I have done is not make myself worse. Being a person of light, my family can enjoy me even more ”.

Crowns stands firm. “I have placed myself and I continue placing myself as before. But I have relocated in the kitchen. I have realized that I am my mother with a goatee. More than 40 empty tuppers and rusty utensils occupying an empty closet that I have never used in my fucking life. A master's degree in my kitchen. I have thrown away everything that was wrong and now I only use tuppers and rusty utensils ”

Segura: “I have been calling people to tell them that I love them, even unknown people. You are a human being and I want to give my love to the world. I love you very much and I premiere a movie on August 7th ”.

Caramelo: “I have been called and I have not picked up the phone. But of course, you can't make excuses. What do you say to them ?, if you are confined at home ”.

Flora and fauna

The urban landscape has changed to unsuspected limits. Nature recovers its space:

"In a town in Albacete, two councilmen have been seen mating in the plaza, which has not been seen for a long time," says Reyes.

"And in the center of Madrid there are hawks!" Exclaims Castell.

"The other day a hawk took a child from a park," says Segura.

"And without washing your hands," adds Piedrahita.

"The hawks are from Vox, the pigeons from Podemos," says Reyes, putting on a (more) angelic face.

"Pigeons don't eat children, they just shit them," Segura concludes.

Our mission as a species

For Hache, human beings can consider their mission accomplished. "If the human being exists as a species it is to transport bacteria and viruses. So guys, congratulations, we did it. ”

“It is that you analyze any animal and say, yes, what a disgusting insect, but it serves as food for the frog; the frog is disgusting, but it feeds the rat-eating rat; How disgusting the rat, but it feeds the hawk ... the only animal that you take away and everything else improves, is the human being, "explains Piedrahita.

"The human is necessary to eat bats and transmit the virus," Segura replies.

"Less tofu and more cyanide," concludes Piedrahita.

Source: elparis

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