The question that many couples dare not ask: how much sex is enough in a relationship?

"We are faced with the million dollar question," acknowledges the sexologist and anthropologist Carlos Horrillo, "in consultation it never comes out in the first sessions, but ends up coming out in almost all cases." Knowing if the number of sexual relations we have a week with our partner is within normal limits has become one of the main reasons why we go to a specialist like Horrillo. "Many couples I deal with are overwhelmed when they borrow sexual models from their friends' comments about the number of sexual encounters they say they have," explains Eva Moreno, a sex therapist and couples therapist. However, taking as a reference what our environment boasts, especially when it comes to sex, is not recommended, much less reliable.

The reality is that, as Moreno affirms, very few people are sincere when they talk about sex. "In this world you can talk about everything, now, as a penis comes out, we have already messed it up," Horrillo points out, which affects the deficient sexual education that we have as a society. "There is very little talk about sex, and when it is done it is not in a sincere way," says the sexologist and anthropologist. "If we were honest, this question would not monopolize 80% of couples therapy."

"The age and the time that we have been paired influence a lot. In a long and healthy relationship where there is love and connection, the important thing is to maintain a regular quality sexuality. It should not be forgotten that sex is necessary to be physically and mentally healthy, but you shouldn't be obsessed with quantity "

Carlos Horrillo, sexologist and anthropologist

According to Carlos Horrillo, porn has negatively influenced the way in which human beings relate sexually. "I find in consultation couples who think they have problems in bed because their role model is what the movies show. If they do not reach orgasm simultaneously they think that something is wrong, if the size of the penis is less than that of the actors porn that they see believe that they have a micropenis, if sexual relations are not as 'wild' as those that they see on screen, they feel that their sexual life is boring ... ", she admits.

Sex, he explains, tends to genitalize 100% of the time and everything that does not end up involving the penis or the vagina is not perceived as sexual. "It is a mistake to limit sex to the genitals because it goes much further. Sex is above all skin. Caresses are an intimate encounter even if it does not end in an orgasm," she points out. Physical contact improves the bond between couples, intimacy - not genital sex - is key for a couple to be happy.

Carmen, 36-year-old Andalusian, has been with her boyfriend for seven and for more than four years her sex life has not been what it was. "When we started going out, we went to bed almost daily, whenever we saw each other. Over time, the frequency, naturally, went down. For a long time we had an average of two to three relationships a week and I was comfortable like this, but now we do it an average of three times a month and it worries me. " Carmen's case is not special. On the contrary, as Horrillo and Moreno explain to Icon , theirs is an example that reflects a common pattern in long-term couples. From the two-year relationship, Horrillo explains, the frequency drops significantly. It is then when dopamine (a substance that generates pleasure) decreases, giving way to oxytocin, the hormone of calm love in which the affective bonds are stronger than passion.

It should be borne in mind that the frequency with which sexual relations are maintained varies greatly depending on the moment of the relationship in which a couple is. "The age and the time that we have been paired have a lot of influence. In a long and healthy relationship where there is love and connection, the important thing is to maintain a regular quality sexuality. A good sexual frequency in a long-term couple could be to have relationships once a year. the week. It should not be forgotten that sex is necessary to be physically and mentally healthy [there are studies that affirm that practicing it regularly improves mood, helps strengthen the heart and reduces the risk of prostate and breast cancer ], but you shouldn't be obsessed with quantity, "says the sexologist. Moreno, for his part, points out that the amount of sex depends on each couple: "There are very happy couples who have relationships once a month and others who are only triple that number."

According to research carried out by psychologist Amy Muise, a professor at York University in Canada, the ideal is to have sexual encounters once a week. And increasing the number of sex a week doesn't make the relationship go better

According to research carried out by psychologist Amy Muise, a professor at York University in Canada, the ideal is to have sexual encounters once a week to have a happy relationship. And despite the importance given to sexual frequency, increasing the number of sexual relations per week does not make the relationship go better. As Eva Moreno explains to Icon , the regularity with which a couple needs to have sex is subjective. "The number of times we have sex is only important if our partner is not comfortable with her. In no manual are we going to find the exact number of the amount of sex we should have," he says. Psychotherapist Robert Weiss agrees and acknowledges in Huffpost that excess or lack of sex is only a real problem on a psychological level if it becomes a problem for the couple or causes anxiety or lack of self-esteem.

When this happens and there is a decompensation in sexual needs, there are usually two roles: the one who seeks sex and the one who avoids it. "In this case, the person who fits the couple's denials may feel rejected to the point that it affects their self-esteem and the person who does not want to have sex may feel pressured to the point of having anxiety every time sex appears in the equation, "Horrillo points out. To avoid this situation it is important to communicate and explain to the other person what is bothering us. Eva Moreno's experience as a therapist has taught her that when one partner explains why he doesn't want to have sex, the other usually understands it. "Everyday problems such as not doing all the housework that you should or not worrying about how the other is doing and supporting him in difficult moments cause a wear and tear that cancels the sexual desire. Verbalizing these demands and meeting the needs of the couple is the first step to make sexual encounters a priority again, "says the sexologist.

As the experts explain, that over time you have fewer sexual relations is natural, as it is also that we are not always satisfied with this decrease. "The main thing is to understand that it is not a pathology unless the medicine proves otherwise and there are physiological inappetence due to some medication or physical problem," adds Horrillo. The trick for sexuality to be fun and to de-dramatize the disagreements in the bedroom, continues the specialist, is to "talk, that you don't speak much, and stop thinking that we are sick from excess or defect of sex."

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