We live in a society characterized by speed, hedonism, competitiveness and the terrified flight from unpleasant emotions. It seems that emotions such as fear, anger or sadness burn us and do not have the status that joy enjoys. Phrases like " if you cry I will not listen to you ", " it is not to be so angry " or " do not be afraid because monsters do not exist”Are some of the many examples that we hear daily and that demonstrate how uncomfortable defense emotions make us feel. All adults around children and adolescents, whether we are mothers, fathers, teachers or professionals, we want them to grow up healthy and surrounded by positive situations. And it is good that we seek the happiness of our children and try that the emotion that appears most in their lives is joy. Now, you are going to allow me to tell you that, from my point of view, it is good that we favor happiness in our children but without trying to find it where it has no place, where no one should expect it. In my humble opinion, joy is overrated, and I'll explain why.
I'll start by describing a situation that powerfully caught my attention last summer. My daughter, who was not yet a year old, was feeling quite ill and her mother and I decided to take her to the emergency room. There they treated us very affectionately and since it was not serious, they told us to wait in the emergency waiting room. As soon as we sat down, in front of us, there was a rather large sign that said: " Smile, we like to see you happy ." I was shocked to read that message in an emergency room. Of course the phrase had very good intentions, but who will want to smile in a hospital? And in the emergency room? Do we feel happy in those moments or rather the opposite? Is it wrong to feel fear or sadness in the emergency room? Yes, for a good part of society it is something that they do not want to allow themselves nor do they want to spend a second of their life feeling fear or crying sadness. Of course, we didn't feel like smiling so they were happy, and we didn't. In the time we were in the hospital, no one did. Before long they called us for a consultation and, once the pediatrician gave us the directions, we left more calm and relieved. At that time we really wanted to smile, but not before. Why are society and people so afraid of certain emotions? They deregulate and uncomfortable, right? Why can't we be angry, sad or afraid? So bad is it? I spent several days going over the phrase and the intentions of this type of message. Why do they put joy in our shoes and try to make us run away from other emotions as unpleasant as necessary?
In the different formations that I teach, I talk about the emotional inhibitor of Moncloa. It seems as if from Moncloa there was a machine that expands its waves throughout the national territory so that the Spanish do not feel or express unpleasant emotions such as fear, anger, jealousy, sadness, etc. I don't think Spain is the only country that has this emotional inhibitor, but that's another matter. What those waves do is dampen emotions. They numb them. This kind of emotional anesthesia causes many mothers and fathers to try to get their sons and daughters to develop far, far away, from unpleasant emotions. As we said at the beginning, it is very common to hear (and even pronounce ourselves) phrases that support emotional anesthesia: " don't be exaggerated ", " please don't cry any more " or " don't be ashamed ". As if we were able to activate or deactivate shame at our whim. Sometimes our behavior is conditioned by the emotion our child experiences. The other day I heard a mother say to her son on the street: if you are going to cry, tell me and I will leave you at home . Wonderful! I don't think that mother liked her partner saying the same thing to her after her dismissal. And what about choruses of songs as well known as " sing and don't cry " or " you shouldn't cry that life is a carnival "?
Sometimes we ask our children to calm down on their own and this is not a good idea because they usually do not have enough brain development and do not have effective emotional self-regulation strategies to do it themselves, which is why they need us. If we say " when you are calmer, let me know " we are falling into the mistake of leaving them the responsibility to regulate their own emotions. No child calms down or calms down by simply saying "calm down" but we must reassure them.
MORE INFORMATION
Alberto Soler: "If the child is punished or ignored at every moment, it is necessary to have something clear: doing harm does not educate"
Children's tantrums are essential to establishing a secure attachment
In addition to not allowing our children to express anger, fear, sadness and other unpleasant emotions, we tend to impose the emotion of joy with comments such as " life is two days and you have to live it to the fullest ", " if you want , you can ”,“ you have everything in this life to be happy ”, etc. It is very common for adult patients to tell me in consultation: " I do not understand why I feel so sad if I have everything in this life ." And it is not about having but feeling . Sometimes we have what it takes to be happy but we don't feel happy.
Society pushes us to feel happy and joyful even though we don't actually feel that way, but that is the main function of the emotional inhibitor. For this reason it is essential that our children grow and develop in contexts where emotion, whatever it is, is allowed and legitimized. We must understand that it is essential that our children grow up feeling all the emotions, but always close to mom and dad or any significant adult such as teachers who do a fundamental job of emotional heteroregulation. I want my children and my students to experience fear, anger, shame, jealousy, sadness, etc. In small doses and always in a controlled way, but let them experience them. I also want them to experience joy, curiosity, pride and love, of course, but these emotions are considered more "kind" in our society and culture, so they will be more reinforced and allowed than the others.
If we do not take care of allowing the emotions of defense, it is probable that nobody will do it for us. This is the best way that, in the future, they will be able to identify these emotions, understand that they are natural and healthy, allow them and have the resources to manage them by themselves. If we do not do this training in emotional regulation during the first years of life, when they reach adulthood, they will not have the necessary wicks to be able to do it by themselves. So the best antidote for emotional failure and emotional anesthesia is to allow those little discomforts involved in feeling sad, angry and jealous in the face of different life events.
Children must learn to suffer moderately with mom and dad: learn to grieve, learn to tolerate frustration, learn to wait, learn to fight for their goals and values, learn to manage shame, learn to face their fears, etc. Every situation and every moment has its own emotion. When we have just received bad news, it is time to feel sad and take charge of that loss. Our role is to allow it and accompany you on that difficult path. On the other hand, when we perceive a danger, what we have to do is feel fear. Why do we not allow the emotion that corresponds in each moment to reign? We do not do it for fear that our children and students suffer. But really, believe me, the best way that in the future they can effectively face the emotions that certain circumstances and people will provoke is by allowing them and taking charge of them now that they are small and their brain has a great capacity for learning, not anesthetizing them and pretending they don't exist, because emotions exist.
Sometimes minors feel sad because they have lost a family member or friend or they feel angry because they cannot do what they want. All this is legitimate, more would be lacking, but the worst thing we can do in these cases is to let ourselves be carried away by Moncloa's emotion inhibitor and shoehorn them with the emotion of joy when it is not their turn to rule: “ you have to be happy because you have good luck ”,“ instead of complaining, thank all the time you have been in the park ”, etc. If it's not time for joy to reign now, don't invite her to come. Allow your child to express her anger, her fear, her sadness or her doubts. Also do not fall into the mistake of minimizing your defense emotion: nothing happens, it is not so bad, better do not think about it, etc.
And to finish a reflection: I think that we are tiptoeing through life to change the question of how are you ? WHY how you feel ? You have to be very brave to make this change because as Ortega y Gasset said well, the bad thing about asking is that they answer you. Sure, and what do I do with the emotion of sadness or anger of the other? Difficult answer and difficult management. I invite you to unplug the emotional inhibitor and let the emotions invade our body and our mind. Give them a chance because even though they are sometimes unpleasant, believe me it is worth it.
* Rafa Guerrero is a psychologist and doctor in Education. Director of Darwin Psychologists. Member of the Spanish Society of Psychosomatic Medicine and Psychotherapy. Author of the books " Emotional education and attachment. Practical guidelines for managing emotions at home and in the classroom ”(2018),“ Tales for emotional development from attachment theory ”(2019),“ How to stimulate the child's brain ”(2020) and“ Educating in the bond ”(2020).
You can follow De mamas & de papas on Facebook, Twitter or subscribe here to the Newsletter.