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Written by: Lu Ningmin
2020-11-06 08:00
Last update date: 2020-11-06 08:00
Bereavement is the most painful thing in life, but it turns out that sadness also requires qualifications.
Consciously not even qualified to be sad, the sadness is suppressed, and the rest of his life cannot be relieved.
According to figures from the Department of Health, there are more than 10,000 women who lose their womb due to miscarriage or abortion every year, and the loss of a fetus involves the grief of one or more families.
However, the grief of miscarriage is hard to speak, because this "little relative" has never appeared. Are the parents of miscarriage?
Faced with the death of a loved one who has only been together for a few months, shouldn't the grief be so great?
Three women who had lost a baby sat together and recalled the experience of miscarriage that year. In addition to the pain of separation of flesh and blood, it was more of a secondary injury caused by the wrong "comfort" of relatives and friends.
It is difficult for the parents of a miscarriage to express their grief publicly, so they sought help from fellow travelers on the Internet, and the Facebook groups of miscarriage became an oasis for these parents.
This year, Hong Kong published the first life-and-death education book written by people who had lost their fetuses-"The Life Education of Angel Parents". The husband of a miscarriage woman was the editor-in-chief. He said to his wife who was not good at expressing emotions, "The children of this class would not be known by everyone, but now his name can be stamped upright in this book. The children of this class are the protagonists of this book."
Photography: Zheng Zifeng
(Part 1 of the third topic on emotional support for abortion parents)
Ashu, who has experienced three miscarriages in the past four years, said goodbye to her every time the fetus was in a few weeks.
This kind of blood thicker than water family affection seems to be nothingness. The pregnancy test stick, ultrasound photos, laboratory report, and the diary she wrote when she was pregnant became the only evidence of the existence of emotional connection.
(Photo by Zheng Zifeng)
Ashu, who has experienced three miscarriages in the past four years, said goodbye to her every time the fetus was a few weeks old, "I have never seen a BB before, I can only feel the fetal movement."
This kind of blood is thicker than water is like nothingness. The pregnancy test stick, ultrasound photos, laboratory report, and the diary she wrote when she was pregnant have become the only evidence of the existence of emotional connection.
During the first miscarriage, she thought that she could "get over again." By the next year she became pregnant, and she took care of everything to make sure everything was safe. But by the 8th week, the fetus still had no heartbeat. "Good self-blame, good guilt, every day. One hundred thousand questions to ask yourself, am I doing a good job?"
After being introduced by a friend, Yashu accepted the counseling service, but the counselor didn’t know why Yashu sought assistance at first. "Maybe he wanted to get closer to me. He sent Zhang Xiangxi and introduced a child to be a girl. BB, ask me if I am proud of being a BB".
Later, the counselor learned that Yashu had two miscarriages and seemed at a loss. "I didn't get too involved in the process because I didn't trust enough. I haven't wanted to watch it again for half a year."
After the aborted woman, Yashu, in addition to constantly blaming herself, she also felt ambiguous and questioned whether she was a mother. The picture shows the Chai Wan Catholic Holy Cross Cemetery. The memorial garden where the aborted fetus is placed.
(Photo by Zheng Zifeng/Picture of Information)
Friends who owe empathy and "comfort" speaks into secondary harm
Yashu didn't tell too many people about the miscarriage, and even the church members did not know that she experienced a miscarriage.
"The saddest thing is Mother's Day. The church will ask everyone to share with my mother. I feel that my identity is so vague. Am I a mother?" Even though she was willing to tell her experience to her friends, the "comfort" she received became twofold. This time I hurt, "There was a conversation with a friend. In fact, the number of weeks of your pregnancy is so small. You don’t need to be sad, or if you are born after a second time, you can pass it again. I feel that I don’t know what empathy is." Negation made Yashu even more hit.
In addition, the work items that Yashu was dealing with at the time were more related to pregnant women and babies. The pain of abortion struck in all directions, making her unable to escape.
He said that God will make arrangements. As long as you pray, you must have a BB, but I have been (miscarriage) three times. Actually, I have been awkward to speak foul language. I blame him, but when I hear this, it affects my mood. .
Ashu
This year, Yashu became pregnant again. "Wait for Honai, there will be two lines first, but she has another abortion."
The preacher of the church tried to comfort her, "He said that God will have an arrangement. As long as you pray, you must have a BB, but I have been (miscarriage) three times. Actually, it’s hard to hear the foul language. I don’t blame it, but what? When I hear what I say, it affects my mood."
She hopes to get more appropriate counseling services. "Counselors don't want to leave the ground. It would be better to have peers."
Musician Tianyi's mother wrote a song "Dear, how are you?"
".
(Photo by Zheng Zifeng)
19-week fetus suddenly left the musician to write a song to mourn his daughter: home is no longer the same
"This day, the home is no longer the same. In the blink of an eye, the room has to reverberate. Did you do something wrong? Are you tired? Tears of perseverance, but believe that you are in a more beautiful heaven." This song "Dear, How are you?
"Is a song written by musician Tianyi's mother for his beloved daughter.
She called herself "Mother Tianyi", originally to commemorate her daughter "Tianyi" who died two years ago.
In 2018, when she was pregnant with her second child to 19 weeks, she suddenly felt drenched in her pants on the street and felt bad. She immediately rushed to the Guanghua Hospital. "The doctor said she wore amniotic fluid. After the examination, she was actually unable to do it. Tell me to wait and have a chance to store amniotic fluid, but I know that BB's chance of survival is so low."
At that time, she was working, and she was busy replying to messages on the sickbed, explaining why she couldn't come to the class one by one.
"It's easy for someone around you to have a big belly with you, but it's hard to say that it's difficult for someone to walk with you when you have a miscarriage, because people who have experienced a miscarriage will hide."
Mother Tianyi
"BB had a heartbeat all the way, so I don't want to give it up." So she tried to find information on the bed to see if there were any cases where a 19-week-old fetus could be successfully born and grown up.
Tianyi’s mother reluctantly pointed out that the earliest miraculous birth case was 22 weeks old. The family, friends and doctors around her urged her to protect her adult’s life. After several struggles, she and her husband decided to induce labor. .
After the birth of Tianyi, the couple posted on Facebook, saying that their daughter had come and left early.
Tianyi's mother sees this as a way of self-protection, "A lot of people will'care' about you, so I won't hear any unpleasant words."
Although the couple has two healthy sons, they never miss the daughter who has left by half. “It’s easy to have someone around you and have a big belly with you, but it’s difficult for you to have a small child. Someone walks with you, because people who have experienced miscarriages will hide."
The medical profession generally uses 24 weeks as the demarcation line for the survival of the fetus. The reason is that the survival rate of fetuses under 24 weeks is low, so it is not regarded as "life".
According to Hong Kong's "Offences against the Person Ordinance", legal abortion operations must be performed within 24 weeks.
The definition of 24 weeks also determines whether aborted fetuses can be buried. According to Hong Kong’s "Births and Deaths Registration Ordinance", doctors can only issue a "Certificate of Non-Live Birth" for children who die after 24 weeks. Only aborted fetuses with a certificate can be issued. It can be buried. Otherwise, the parents will be allowed to retrieve the body if the relevant laws and public health conditions are met. Those who are not retrieved will be regarded as "medical waste" and cremated together with other human limbs or tissues. Or be sent to landfill.
The medical profession generally uses 24 weeks as the demarcation line for the survival of a fetus. Doctors can only issue a "Certificate of Infant Non-Live Birth" for children who die after 24 weeks. Only aborted fetuses with a certificate can be buried; The Angel Garden "Ning Xin Yuan" in the Tsuen Wan Cemetery.
(Photo by Gao Zhongming/Picture of Information)
He thought that the time you spent with the BB was so short, and that short time would not make you sad, but the pain is forever.
Su Wen
Suwen experienced three miscarriages, and her first pregnancy reached 32 weeks. In the end, the mother and daughter's fate still passed.
(Photo by Zheng Zifeng)
Avoid all the people around you related to children
"He thought that the time you spent with the BB was so short, and the short time is not sad, but the pain is the first life." Su Wen, who also experienced three miscarriages, was one of the successful births of "The Life Education of Angel Parents" A pusher, she is also a core member of the Facebook groups "Angel Parents Gas Station" and "Stillbirth Moms Go Together".
Three miscarriages, and the first pregnancy was up to 32 weeks. That time she had already renamed the child "Shi Zhou".
Only a little bit was able to live with Shizhou’s hand, and in the end, fate still passed by. "There was no sign at the time, and suddenly one day I felt a sense of depression. When I went to see the doctor, my heart beat. ".
After the induction of labor, the couple held a memorial service and then hid Shizhou's things. After half a year, she became pregnant again, and two months later, she lost her baby again.
More than a year later, Su Wen was pregnant with her third child, but the baby chose to say goodbye to them when she was only three months old.
Bring three penguins away from the hustle and bustle to celebrate daughter's birthday with husband
"After the children left one by one, I first realized that I didn't want to face pregnancy again."
So, Su Wen unfollow parents who have children on Facebook, and baby advertisements are broadcast on TV. She will switch channels, and friends gossiping about the children. She will directly ask to change the topic, "The house owner and I have a relationship about BB, I It must be against Taiwan." Over time, the topic of children became a taboo between Su Wen and her relatives and friends.
After the miscarriage, some enthusiastic relatives and friends even introduced genius doctors and feng shui masters to the couple, "I will tell him to go away, so that everyone around me will shock me."
Behind the anger, there are more endless misses for her daughter. On her daughter’s birthday, the couple’s mood is even more heavy. She will bring three penguins representing the family with her husband to go abroad or to an outlying island to buy a birthday cake. celebrate.
Su Wen wrote in the book: "Little penguins represent our children in the sky. However, I am stupid sometimes secretly envy my penguin dolls, because their "children" can be with us, but we don't."
Suwen and her husband ordered a crystal seat to commemorate the child. On the crystal seat, the small cloth shoes that she and her husband embroidered together were printed with a laser, and the child's name and her feet were also printed.
(Respondents provide pictures)
Su Wen also has another identity, she is the host of the gospel radio station Soooradio. She told the program director about her miscarriage experience and was encouraged to set up a program to talk about miscarriage.
During the preparation period, Su Wen found the Facebook group "Angel Parents Gas Station" and met many people with the same experience. So she decided to express the voice of "Angel Parents" by reading letters on the show. I also met Liang Zidun, the senior service manager of the Anniversary Service Department of the Anglican Church St. Carpenter's Elderly District Center. "I think it's only a mediocre letter. I want someone who can help me explain my feelings."
After the two worked together, one of the "angel mothers" introduced her to Pastor Xie Yaoyang, who often held the rest for the little angels, and became an opportunity to publish "The Life Education of Angel Parents". Su Wen even hired her husband who teaches at the university. The editor-in-chief, step by step connects a group of aborted parents, leaving a trace for the little angel in the world.
Su Wen (left), Mother Tianyi (right) and Liang Zidun, Senior Service Manager of the Anning Service Department of the Anglican St. Carpenter Church Elderly District Center also shared their bereavement experiences and mental journeys in "Life Education of Angel Parents".
(Photo by Zheng Zifeng)
Mother Tianyi believes that through radio programs and books, parents who have lost a baby can know that they are not alone in facing the pain of bereavement. She points out that "Life Education of Angel Parents" is not a book specifically for parents who have lost their baby. Looking at it alone, I hope that society can make progress. Angel parents have children, so you don’t want to be a channel.”
She is also the editor of the book with Su Wen. She hopes that through the text of the aborted parents, the society will pay more attention to the needs and support of the aborted parents.
Emotional support for miscarriage│Angel dad has tears and does not flick it without a mother-fetal connection like a passive victim
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