"I have to get him an orgasm", and other fictions that we believed too much

Sabrina Diaz Virzi

11/05/2020 6:00 AM

• Clarín.com

• Relations

Updated 11/05/2020 6:00 AM

The

and nudes, sex during menstruation and pregnancy, contraception, porn, romantic love and polyamory, orgasms and medical treatments and how to

re having lived then enjoy sexual violence.

These are some of the issues that the advertiser

gets into

in the second season of the

podcast

(Spotify), where she seeks to explore the contexts, practices and narratives (“myths and truths, mandates, etc.”) that they cut through sexuality.

- Sexting -one of the themes of the new chapters- went to center stage with the pandemic and the consequent quarantine.

Achieves?

- For me

sex is sex.

Even if there is no physical contact, it is an encounter and things happen to us, things in the mind, in the emotions and in the body.

If you can make deep friendships just by chatting, or even fall in love by chat, why can't you have an intense, connected and exciting sexual experience through sexting?

Reach, I don't know if it reaches,

.

In the first episode of this new season, Luciana Peker talks about the importance of skin, and I fully agree.

I think skin is very necessary and it is a territory that we should not lose, especially women.

Beyond this,

, nudes,

, ping pong chat.

Even if it's from one room to the other.

It can be something very nice to complement a face-to-face relationship or to go through months carrying out a virtual bond.

And I love the character, because the sexting is with that or that on the other side, but also with oneself, the one we see in the front camera.

"It is tremendous how we do not know anything but nothing about the stages of our body, what happens to us and what will happen to us. It is something we could talk about quietly at school, with our mothers and daughters, among friends, and not we talk until it takes us by surprise, "says Melanie Tobal.

- There is a lot of talk about polyamory -another of the topics to be addressed-, but how much is there of fetish and how much of “reality”?

- I think polyamory is another of the many diverse ways of loving that have been invisible or taboo for a long time, and still are today.

Many times these themes are only related to orgies, threesomes or fantasies to "rekindle" the couple, but it goes much deeper.

There are even polyamorous families.

One of my favorite podcasts is a Chilean podcast called Las Raras, and they have a beautiful episode about a polyamorous family who wanted to have a baby like that, three at a time.

That was the story that, as a person who chose monogamous relationships all his life, opened my head a lot.

And above all, I think that those of us who practice monogamy have a lot of concepts to learn from polyamory, things that would help us to have much healthier bonds.

- What would you say are the most ingrained sexual myths in our society?

- Among everything we heard, read and chatted in seasons 1 and 2 of Finish, I would say that the first thing is

and the idea that sexual relations are only if there is penetration.

A sexual encounter, whether with other people or with yourself, does not have to have penetration: it can be whatever you want, whatever you like, you have your whole body to stimulate.

On the other hand, the second sexual myth seems to me to do with

as the success of a sexual encounter.

You can have a blast having finished five times or not having finished.

And there is nothing that takes you more away from an orgasm than being all the time putting pressure on yourself to have it.

Finally, if I had to say a third myth, I would say this idea that is still around society, that

, then we will not feel like being with our partner.

One thing does not override the other.

In fact, if you have a sex life, let's say full with yourself, that will have benefits in your sex life with your partner.

Or they can do it together or together, even masturbate as a couple, use sex toys as a couple, or maybe the meeting begins with skin and ends with a sex toy.

They can also serve to draw many mandates from masculinity, and that's great.

- And the mandates?

Which is the hardest for us to get rid of?

- Something very nice happened with Finish, and that is that not only women and people with vulva, but

listened to us

.

The podcast served to get rid of two very strong mandates: in women, that of the wonder woman who follows her passion, has her entrepreneurship, is educated, has an active social and family life, a Pinterest-like house, militates some social cause and besides everything breaks it in her sex life, she always has orgasms and squirts.

And in men, this

, and if I don't get him an orgasm with screaming and all the paraphernalia, I'm not man enough.

It seems to me that sexuality is not a checklist or a porn video or a Juliana kit, you have to remove the imposition and change the narratives.

- How is patriarchy and machismo, and the celebrated explosion of feminism played on this plane?

What changed, what changes?

- One of the things I like the most about feminism is that it

you

.

And sex also entered these questions.

Without feminism we would not be talking about the orgasmic gap, which is the main problem that originates this podcast, its reason for existing.

Feminism not only exposes the mandates, structural inequalities, cultural reproductions and social dynamics that affect us in our relationships and in our way of speaking internally, but it also

.

The knowledge about sexuality with which we are trained in school, in the media and in family / social circles is

(and practically non-existent, let's say it).

It does not have a gender perspective and in most cases it is produced by men.

That is why one of the most important changes, which I think is a combination between

as social networks, is the appearance of specialists, thinkers and referents who are in charge of disseminating other types of content, who speak to us from one place more empathetic, diverse, uncensored and without mandates.

"I had two bisexual friends who explained to me that what happened to me was being bisexual," remembers Tobal.

Photo: Shutterstock illustration.

- How did you personally play all these new songs?

Did anyone surprise you, did you move the needle?

- Ugh!

I think that everything in Finish moves the needle.

This podcast

.

I am not a specialist in sexuality, I am a person like my listeners: someone who asks out of curiosity and looks for answers to what happens to him and what happens to us, so unless it is a topic that is widely addressed from feminist activism,

.

Specifically from this season, what most caught my attention has to do with the climacteric, with menopause, a topic we talked about in the episode about menstruation.

It is tremendous how

, what happens to us and what is going to happen to us.

It's something we could quietly talk about at school, with our mothers and daughters, among friends, and we don't talk about it until it takes us by surprise.

On the other hand, the episode that mobilized me the most was

, which has to do with how to enjoy it again after having experienced sexual violence.

We are many who have had experiences of this style, many times in our first sexual encounters, and to be able to talk about it, feel accompanied and understand that many times they leave us sequels that make the "classic formulas" or "sexual tips "don't work, it's very liberating.

View this post on Instagram

The phrase "coming out of the closet" always felt very foreign.

I grew up with gay and lesbian relatives, I went to pride marches, to congress, I was a photographer at Human, I surrounded myself with drag queens.

I didn't even think it was in a closet, but it was and a lot.

Even today, despite giving talks, workshops, training many companies and having a relatively public profile on gender issues, my heart beats very hard when I say that I am bisexual.

I have a hard time silencing the voices of doubt.

"It's that you're angry with men", "it's a stage", "you're actually cake, you'll see what the next step is", "you always had boyfriends", "you married a boy", "they were just some crush with girls, you don't really like them, "" you look like paki. "

We bisexuals exist and our orientation is not an existential crisis.

Nor do we need evidence to confirm what we feel.

Nor that they assume we are heterosexual or gay because of the partner we have.

I never thought it would be my turn to come out of the closet, but here I am.

Outside 🌈 #BiVisibilityDay

A post shared by Melanie Tobal (@melanietobal) on Sep 23, 2020 at 7:53 pm PDT

- A few weeks ago you wrote a post on the networks and you openly told about your bisexuality, and how your heart beat when you published it openly.

Why did you decide to publish it, and what did it feel like to do so?

- For a long time between friends, friends and family I have been talking about my sexuality, but always

, and always with a halo of doubt, from what they told me and from what I said to myself: "You all had boyfriends men "," sure it's because men broke your heart "," it's a stage ",

, etc.

And when I met who my husband is today, I told him and, instead of questioning me, he encouraged me to resolve many insecurities that I had about it.

At the same time, I had two bisexual friends who explained to me that

, and that all those phrases are part of what makes us always in doubt and invisible.

These two key moments opened my eyes and I saw how the pieces of the puzzle began to fit together: when I

and we sent each other love letters, when with my teenage friends we said "if you were a boy I would like you. "

It is funny.

All very "friend, notice".

It is something that is always there but we do not see it because nobody tells us that it exists.

That was the reason why

.

Two days of bisexual visibility had already gone by without saying anything, and this year I realized that we have to speak openly about bisexuality so that no one ever has doubts, feels uncomfortable or discriminated against.

At the time of writing the post, my heart almost got out of hand.

And I was thinking "how can this be happening to me, that I give workshops on diversity and gender perspective, that I speak for years in front of a lot of people, that I do this podcast" ... and well, that's the closet.

I received many messages of thanks, support, and from high school classmates with whom we had also "played" at being girlfriends.