Watch your good manners: these gestures of exemplary education are more uncomfortable than they please

Good manners are the oil that greases the engine of our

.

They facilitate coexistence and make life more pleasant: no one likes to run into an edge.

And they not only please the recipient: "When you make others feel good, you also feel good, which makes it easier for you to enjoy the relationships you establish," says psychologist Patricia Ramírez.

“They are an indicator of good intentions, starting with the greeting, which harbors the desire for health for the other;

its lack would lead us down a path of mistrust and discomfort ”.

But beware, even the best intentions can generate conflicts that are easy to avoid.

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It is common for a detail of kindness to cause the opposite effect to the desired one because certain white collar rules,

, can be annoying, intrusive, unpleasant for the person one wants to please.

They won't tell you because not putting your finger on the sore is polite, but the experts on the matter won't shut up.

What's more, they are kind enough to advise how to proceed to prevent them from secretly hating your good manners.

With your permission, of course.

If you insist, two times maximum

For starters, a not-so-novel reveal.

Javier Aguado, member of the Spanish Association of Protocol and professor of the International School of Protocol, points out that now we are more lax in the most elementary samples of civility.

This circumstance means that, on certain occasions, many people dislike meeting someone strictly formal.

It happens even in the most intimate circles.

A good example is punctuality, that sublime or despicable personal characteristic, depending on who you ask.

If a friend invites you to dinner at his house and tells you to show up at nine, ignore him.

At least, don't take it at face value;

If you arrive at nine o'clock you may do a chore for him.

That because?

Because it is likely that you have not finished the preparations yet and that British punctuality, so important to you, will become a nuisance.

Tidy hours can produce the opposite result of what one intends to achieve, and become a bad way to start the evening.

"It is not necessary to take it to the maximum extremes", advises Aguado.

"It

always

."

But no more! He warns.

Yes, we are complex ... and no one said it would be easy.

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This type of predicament abounds at dinners with friends.

For example, when a group of them goes to a restaurant and someone knows the menu well.

If it turns out that, with all your good intentions, you launch out to ask for others, you may just make your companions feel invaded.

And rightly so.

Another classic way to bother is the

;

Everyone wants to have that gesture, but whoever ends up giving in may feel slighted or underestimated in their finances.

Aguado clarifies how to behave in sets such as those described.

"In general, it all depends on the degree of trust you have with the other person," he says.

"If we want to recommend dishes in a restaurant, the right thing to do would be to say: 'I know the place well, and, if you allow me, before they give us the menu I will suggest dishes, if you like them, we will order them.'

It is a formula to avoid invading the sphere of the other ”.

As for the disputes to pay, his thing is to attend to non-verbal communication: if one sees that the other looks angry, the right thing to do is give in.

There is an unwritten rule that dictates that when you insist twice on one thing and the other person says no, to do it a third time is to violate the other's space.

Of hateful unsolicited advice and inopportune invitations

If friends have "polite details" that, in all their good faith, only make others uncomfortable, strangers go for the note.

An example of a manual is the very Spanish custom, especially in some geographical areas, of wanting to be splendid with the newcomer.

Paula, a Madrilenian who has a house in a town in Segovia, explains why she often

.

“It happened to me from sitting on a terrace with my mother having a drink and a neighbor arriving, chatting with us, leaving and, after a while, when I asked for the bill, the waiter told me that he had paid.

It makes me very uncomfortable;

puts me in a compromise.

He forces me to be aware of whether we meet him again to pay him his wine;

and if I'm with a friend, she might think: 'why is Paula inviting that man?

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"Those people

" explains the professor of protocol.

"It is a way of sharing their joy that you are in their space, but when it becomes pressure towards the visitor it is no longer a trait of good manners."

Valentín Martínez-Otero, doctor in Psychology and professor at the Faculty of Education of the Complutense University of Madrid, claims at this point a concept also from the doldrums: prudence.

"You have to be sensitive and prudent, especially when there are potential compromising interactions," he says.

Another potentially fertile ground for misunderstanding is compliments.

the other person.

They even make you feel objectified if the flattery ponders your physical appearance.

Praise also puts those who receive it in a compromise;

There is no way to get the correct answer right: if you say something like "yes, the truth is that I am a genius", you will look like a braggart, but if you opt for kind modesty, with phrases like "Well, it's the first thing I have. taken out of the closet and I hardly had time to fix myself ”, will suggest that the compliment is totally wrong.

"The essential thing about compliments is that they arise naturally", Javier Aguado sentenced.

“Because only then the other person fits them as a show of respect.

At the same time, the receiver must also be natural in his reply.

always

the words of praise that they dedicate to us ”.

Special mention deserves the field of driving.

Nothing annoys a driver more than taking alongside a co-pilot who knows the road better and utters the dreaded words "why are you pulling here?"

It is the moment when he cheers up and, with all his goodwill, he becomes the GPS you need to take the shortest route.

There is no doubt that you think your directions will be welcome, but the driver may feel that you are being called clumsy.

The solicitous co-driver must take into account that the driver must not be distracted.

"You can be misleading him with so many explanations," says the professor of protocol.

“If I'm a co-driver and I know the road well, I have two options: either I shut up or I say: 'Are you sure how to go?

I can tell you if you want ”.

And he insists on the axiom on which the correction is based: “As always, respect for the other must be prioritized.

Unfailingly avoid embarrassing moments ”.