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Distance and mask, that applies whenever possible - even at Christmas
Photo:
Thordis Rüggeberg / plainpicture
If you want to visit the family at Christmas, you should reduce contacts "to an absolute minimum" in the five to seven days before, according to
the decision paper
by Chancellor
Angela Merkel
and the state ministers.
But what if the family
doesn't want to
keep
this " protection week
"?
Or if the parental planning for the common celebration degenerates because the rules prescribed by politics are understood as flexible?
Family therapist
Sandra Konrad
explains how to get parents or grandparents to rethink their behavior - without risking the house blessing.
To person
Photo: Kirsten Nijhof
Dr. Sandra Konrad
is a qualified psychologist and author.
She works as a systemic individual, couple and family therapist in Hamburg.
How strongly the family influences us over generations, she describes in her book "That stays in the family - Of love, loyalty and ancient burdens".
SPIEGEL:
Ms. Konrad, many of my friends went into a kind of self-imposed quarantine days ago so they could celebrate Christmas with their family.
However, if they ask parents and grandparents to do the same, they encounter incomprehension and anger.
The same applies to the demand to keep the group of celebrants smaller than usual. What happens there?
Sandra Konrad:
Actually, one can only congratulate the parents.
They seem to have done everything right and raised children who are totally responsible.
The fact that parents are fundamentally more careless than their children does not strike me as representative.
SPIEGEL:
To what extent?
Konrad:
The tendency to fear or to take risks is more of a personality and not necessarily a function of age.
There are also fearful old people and reckless youngsters.
I know families from my practice in which the children are disappointed because the parents skip Christmas.
The young feel rejected and ask: "Why don't you love me anymore?" But of course there are just as many old people who do not want to bow to the Corona measures.
This was particularly evident at the beginning of the crisis, in March and April, when the threat was still brand new and unpredictable.
Now we know how dangerous Covid-19 is and many have adapted their behavior accordingly.
But many don't want Christmas to be spoiled or even taken away.
SPIEGEL:
Which can be very dangerous.
Konrad:
If people behave unreasonably outwardly, it helps to recognize the emotional needs that lie behind their behavior or resistance.
In this case it is the need for closeness - and for autonomy.
more on the subject
New Corona decision: with whom you are (not) allowed to celebrate Christmas now
Corona and Christmas: Jesus would not have visited GrandmaA column by Christian Stöcker
SPIEGEL:
If my friends ask their families to observe the “protection week” or to invite fewer guests, are they restricting their autonomy?
Konrad:
Exactly.
What that can trigger can be seen in corona deniers who stand up against politics.
And with relatives who don't want to accept a slimmed-down Christmas.
Although the measures are not directed against them, but against the virus, something like this is perceived as a personal offense - because one can live less independently.
And since we cannot abuse a virus or hold it responsible, we direct our anger and indignation at the people who allegedly limit our autonomy.
Children take responsibility for their parents
SPIEGEL:
How do you as a child deal with it when parents or grandparents insist on self-determination?
This is accompanied by an unfamiliar role reversal.
"It's about the question of how much the parents and grandparents' knowledge of their own finiteness is emotionally integrated"
Psychologist Sandra Konrad
Konrad:
Which sooner or later takes place in most families anyway.
For example, when parents have accidents in old age but want to keep driving.
Or with the question of whether parents can continue to live in their own household or are perhaps more in need of care than they admit.
In such cases, it is up to the children to approach them.
Ideally, this happens out of love and loyalty - the parents once took good care of the children and now the concern is reversed within the family.
However, this is often very difficult for everyone involved and often leads to conflicts.
Especially when parents still demand strong respect from their children and overestimate their own abilities.
Concern for parents during the corona crisis is fueling similar conflicts.
In addition, it is about the question of how much the knowledge of one's own finitude is emotionally integrated in the parents and grandparents.
SPIEGEL:
What do you mean by that?
Konrad:
The question is how consciously one deals with death and what decisions are made based on this knowledge.
On the one hand, older people might think that they don't have much time left and that they don't want anything forbidden - not even a Christmas party or meeting with friends.
They could just as well be very aware of their finiteness and decide to skip this festival in order to have the chance of Christmas evenings together in the coming years.
Both answers are legitimate - provided they don't endanger others.
Or others would ultimately feel guilty for the premature death of those affected.
more on the subject
Young Adults in the Pandemic: We're Still ThereBy Celine Wegert
Commission recommends: Who should be vaccinated and when in Germany
SPIEGEL:
If older relatives are more of the careless type - can I get them to be more cautious?
Konrad:
First of all, you have to realize that there is a psychological bias in the perception of danger.
Many think that loved ones will already be no danger.
We have now learned that love cannot fight this virus, on the contrary only physical distance.
It is difficult to acknowledge this, because it goes against our biological programming.
It is in our nature to seek community.
"Your world is often smaller"
Psychologist Sandra Konrad
And now these important contacts are dangerous and even forbidden.
For older people, who may no longer have a professional life, who have little interest in virtual encounters and whose circle of friends, colleagues and acquaintances is smaller than that of younger people, family closeness often means much more.
Your world is often smaller.
Seeing these different realities of life helps us to understand older people better and to empathize with them.
Shaping Christmas creatively together
SPIEGEL:
But how does my empathy help me to solve my problem?
I just want to prevent mom or grandma from getting the coronavirus at Christmas!
Konrad:
Yes, it definitely helps, because real contact occurs exactly when we perceive and express all of our needs, but also our limits.
So name your own fear, dismay and regret that Christmas this year cannot take place as usual.
And that you are ready to take responsibility.
If no common solution can be found, whereupon you cancel Christmas, state the loving reason behind it: That you would rather forego out of caution in order to be able to celebrate the coming years together.
It is a clear sign of adulthood to endure such a conflict and to convey your own attitude - but not to lose empathy.
But maybe there are solutions that your family hasn't even thought about.
You could gather ideas from the family or come up with creative suggestions on how to balance the security needs of all parties.
In my practice and in my environment I came across many models.
"It won't satisfy everyone, but when did Christmas ever do that?"
Psychologist Sandra Konrad
SPIEGEL:
For example?
Konrad:
Some invited people to have mulled wine around the campfire, others to encounters at the windowsill.
Going for walks, conference calls or virtual dinners, singing and making music are also possible.
That won't satisfy everyone, but when did Christmas ever do that?
It's a party overloaded with expectations anyway.
SPIEGEL:
So does the crisis also offer an opportunity to say goodbye to some of these expectations?
Konrad:
At least we can question traditions and routines.
The holidays are very stressful for many people.
Every year at Christmas people drive all over the country for days to visit all their parents and in-laws to please everyone.
And nobody benefits from it.
You don't just have your family on these three days, but your whole life.
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