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(CNN) -
It's Valentine's weekend, lovers!
Time to put on your sexiest parka, pull out the romantic double robe (yes, it's a real thing out there), and snuggle up to avoid an unprecedented chilling cold snap.
How cold is it going to be?
It will be cold.
Glacial.
Positively Dantesque.
Cooler than that ex who bought you a vacuum cleaner for your anniversary.
This weekend, dozens of places in the United States will be shaken by the coldest air they have seen in decades, and by Sunday, temperatures will drop below freezing as far south as Texas.
That's 4 to 10 degrees below average in some places!
About 75% of the country will have subzero weather in the next few days.
Basically, if you don't live in the Southeast, the southernmost and westernmost parts of the Southwest, or Hawaii, you will feel it.
But… isn't it at least a little romantic?
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After all, you shouldn't be going anywhere anyway, as we are in the middle of a pandemic (not sexy!) And all these record temperatures will make road conditions very dangerous.
Now is the perfect opportunity to experience Valentine's Day the way it should be: just you, your loved one (or the houseplant), and about three layers of socks.
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Here are some other festive things you can do to make that day special.
Discuss your favorite ice formations
Astrology is great, but you can probably tell a lot about someone by their favorite ice shapes too.
Are you a classic icicle, or are your tastes more… unique?
In the Great Lakes region, recent freezing temperatures have cooked up a new amount of
pancake
ice
- disks of water that float on the surface of lakes and rivers.
Ice balls (no, not the kind you drop in cocktails) also appear in bad weather.
They form along the beaches at the edges of the lakes, when waves roll chunks of ice and snow back and forth, like a snowman.
Depending on the conditions and the waves, they can get as big as bowling balls!
It is a good choice indeed.
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Take the opportunity to arouse sympathy
Whether you're in a relationship or just hanging out with your remote, everyone will feel a little sorry for you when the wind outside your window is below 0 degrees Celsius.
That's how cold it will feel in Sioux Falls, North Dakota.
The people of Des Moines, Iowa, will probably need a little more love too, as they are likely to be hitting -28 degrees Celsius sometime this weekend.
For comparison, the National Weather Service described a recent 12 degree temperature as a "heat wave" compared to future conditions.
Tulsa, Oklahoma, is forecast to tie the record for the third longest streak of freezing temperatures, and it may not break above that level again until the middle of next week.
The point is, if you're flirting with someone on Tinder or wherever, there's never been a better time to pull off one of those sorry icy face emojis.
Who could resist?
Plan to wear ugly clothes from your partner or with your partner
You know you're in a long-term relationship when "slipping into something more comfortable" means pulling out the matching plush rompers or "Smittens," a joint glove experience that has likely been cited in more than one divorce filing.
If you really want to test your tolerance for the cutest things, you can always slip into one of those ugly sweaters for two.
Local weather services stress that cold temperatures mean that you should definitely not spend time outside, which is perfect, because no one wants to see you wearing these things in public.
Try to make a baby
It's probably not a spontaneous thing to do, but the timing is scientifically auspicious.
Historically, more babies are conceived during the colder months, even in other parts of the animal kingdom.
Low temperatures are also better for sperm production.
And, yes, people sometimes get busier around Valentine's Day, according to data from the UK's National Health Service.
Get rid of your partner's sweater blanket first.
- CNN's Brandon Miller and Judson Jones contributed to this report.
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