All of us who have brothers have happened to us.
Whether you are the oldest, the middle, the little one or the baby, the truth is that problems between siblings, from those little fights, to arguments, big fights, and even blows, are one of the problems that bring the most head to many parents.
And it is that, many of those innocent disputes, it is not only about “children's things”, but, in them, unresolved emotions are hidden that, in reality, they do not know and cannot handle.
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A subject that experts have analyzed, until discovering, for example, in a study published in the specialized journal
Trauma, Abuso y Violencia
(TVA) that we can fight up to eight times in an hour.
Without a doubt, a very curious fact, since it is a subject that can get out of hand.
Something that, perhaps, and in the end, is nothing more than something inside us;
and our complex world of the mind and emotions.
Well, the fact of understanding them and knowing how to handle them, since we are children, is not a simple task, but it is, on the contrary, quite complex: jealousy, envy, or competition between siblings, is not a question Not at all trivial, since, not knowing how to control certain situations, the bonds between siblings could be deeply damaged.
Usually, and as explained in the study, it is advisable to start spending more time with them, with each of the brothers to attend individually to their specific needs, but also to do them all together.
While this is the essential first step in avoiding so much conflict, mindfulness is not enough to heal or lessen what's going on.
For the clinical psychologist at Columbia University, Laura Markham, and author of the blog
Aha Parenting
,
any child who hits his brother or sister over and over again knows deep down that his attitude is that of a little monster, but also You can also internalize the fact that your parents do not understand these evil behaviors.
"The child can keep those feelings to himself, not remove them and become disconnected from the parents to the point of not accepting their love, so it is important to build a network of trust, communication, security and emotional connection, and then help him with their tangled feelings, ”he explains.
Thus, this expert recommends some methods to prevent certain situations from being adequately controlled.
1. Connect in a comforting way
Building trust and emotional connection with your child, spending half an hour a day with him, is a good start.
The expert assures that he will love being the center of your attention and knowing that you want to make him happy, as this will reinforce the bases of his feelings of self-validation.
"Let him decide what to do with that time, ignore any distractions and just give him as much love as possible," he says.
2. Build confidence and help you laugh at your worries through games
Every child needs to laugh every day, and a child who hits constantly, much more.
So, for this expert, it is essential that you laugh at those attacks, strange as it may seem, and at your own fear, so she recommends any pretend aggression game that makes you laugh, as this will help you heal and strengthen your connection with parents.
“Most kids come up with games that actually need, for example, playing the monster and it scares you, so if a pillow fight starts, it wants to scare you and laugh, you'll know you're on the right track ”, he continues.
3. When you hit your brother, go first to the victim
At first, you will feel an urgent need to teach the child that he has hit a lesson;
but stop and breathe.
“At that moment, the person who has been attacked needs you, so talk to that one of your children who hit him a little later, who is not going anywhere.
So you comfort your injured son, you want to punish his brother, but what you really want is to stop the beatings, so just try to understand what happened, ”says Markham.
4. Help him get over his anger so that he gets to his fears and shed tears
When the child hits, even if you don't see any signs of specific emotion, we can be sure that their feelings are driving their actions.
“After checking that the beaten child is okay, the goal is to help his brother bring his emotions out into the open, show them to you and let them go, because a very good thing about human emotions is that once we feel them, they disappear ”, he asserts.
5. Above all, prevention
In the end, it is our responsibility to keep our children safe.
"We might think that it is possible to leave a nine-month-old baby with a four-year-old, but now we know that it is not entirely possible."
There are nuances, and wishing things were different doesn't help.
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