(CNN) -
On a recent trip to the grocery store, I tried and miserably failed to open a plastic bag to put the broccoli in - without licking my fingers to get the much-needed traction because, well, the pandemic - when I almost lost it.
My frustration only increased when all the huffing and puffing from the futile attempts to function like a normal human caused my glasses to fog up and I could no longer see the bag I was trying to open.
It was all I could do to hold it together so as not to throw the broccoli head down the produce section, scream, and run into the abyss.
I thought back to Janet Jackson's 1986 hit "Control."
Sing "It's all about control" just before the beat drops, "and I've got lots of it."
We all may have had more control in 1986 than we seem to have these days.
(Or maybe you're singing Russ's 2016 hit “Losin Control.” That's cool, too.)
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Covid-19 and the seemingly endless sense of uncertainty that accompanies it have stripped us of much of the control we had before the pandemic.
With that loss comes pain.
This has resulted in a variety of challenges, including feelings of hopelessness, anxiety and depression, and general helplessness, which can hamper productivity and our ability to connect with others.
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"Dealing with covid was not part of our daily repertoire of stressors," said Susan Albers, a clinical psychologist at the Cleveland Clinic who has focused her career on people with control problems.
«There is no manual to deal with covid.
There are no role models or well-documented research pointing to how to deal effectively with a global pandemic.
Covid requires a new set of coping skills that many people have never had to exercise.
Focusing on what can be controlled, he said, could be a step toward mitigating that feeling of helplessness.
Trying to make sense of the loss of control
It's an approach that has helped Emily Oster, a famous professor of economics and public policy at Brown University.
Oster spends his time processing data and sharing cunning, quantitative ideas, but was so desperate at the loss of control in his life during the pandemic that he strayed from his own protocol to write a column that is all heart and no data.
“I wrote this newsletter because I see so many emails and messages from people who seemed to be struggling with the same thing.
And then one day, I found myself cursing at my hose reel in my basement, and I stopped to ponder why I was so upset and realized there was a threat to the one thing I felt I had control over ( my backyard ice rink), ”Oster said by email.
“The pandemic eliminated several options for many of us, and I think it has left too many people fighting for things that they really know what to do about.
For me, acknowledging this has helped me forgive myself for obsessing in sometimes irrational ways about the things I have control over, "she said.
Albers agreed.
When you feel out of control, remember what is in your control and what is out of your control.
Don't waste energy on things you don't have the power to change, ”Albers said.
She suggested tasks like listing the things you control to keep your family safe, like washing your hands and social distancing.
How to regain a sense of control
It helps focus your attention on the present moment, according to Albers.
"You cannot control the future, but you have the power to improve this moment," he said.
He had lost control of something as simple as placing a broccoli in a bag.
It was more than my brain could calculate and enough to push me to the limit.
"Making this moment better" for me could mean opting for grocery delivery to avoid a major collapse in the produce aisle.
Albers said it also helps to try some "grounding exercises," in which you focus on your breathing and your senses, a kind of meditation, to break the cycle when you feel out of control.
An example is placing your hands in the water and concentrating on how the water feels on your hands.
Try different temperatures, warm and then cold, and see how the water feels on your skin.
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Other grounding exercises, which is really just a code to "create a distraction to divert your anxious thoughts," might include walking, stretching, or concentrating on identifying the noises you are hearing at any given moment.
You can also try an exercise Albers recommended: name five things you see, four things you feel, three things you hear, two things you smell, and one thing you taste.
Avoid the depressing news or the excess of social media, as it can "set off a cascade of hopelessness and feel like the situation is wildly out of control," Albers said.
Pick a time of day to tune in to social media, and then tune out again so you don't feel overwhelmed by anxiety.
If all else fails, it would be worth seeking inspiration from one of the leading Western Buddhist teachers, Pema Chödrön, who encourages us to embrace what she calls "groundlessness."
“To be fully alive, fully human and fully awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest.
To live fully is to always be in no man's land, to experience each moment as completely new and fresh.
To live is to be willing to die again and again, "said Chodron in his book" When Things Fall Apart. "
Letting go does not mean that you still do not lean on those things that you can control;
it just means you loosen your grip on what you can't.
For backup, I'll add a helmet and some knee pads to my pandemic wardrobe and prepare to be thrown out of the nest.
Maybe, if I'm lucky, I'll find it in myself to smile on the way down.
Allison Hope is a writer from New York who prefers humor to sadness, trips to television and coffee to sleep.
