Let's imagine a couple who are dissatisfied with the relationship.
She thinks: Again he didn't see her tidying up and putting flowers in the vase.
And he only had one “congratulations” left for receiving such high praise from the boss for her project report.
He thinks: She told him again how to spend the weekend instead of finally giving him time for himself. She doesn't understand that he is tired from his job in the evenings and just wants to have some peace and quiet.
And why isn't she happy with him that the board has so much confidence in him that he should head another department?
It often sounds like this when people talk about their partnerships.
In many, especially longer relationships, both tend to look at the minus side rather than the plus side.
But what determines whether a relationship makes you happy or not?
Is it crucial whether the personalities or attitudes match, whether it is equally important to both, to pursue a career or to have time for the family?
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Who finds each other, who is attracted to whom, is also a question of personalities and attitudes.
A Canadian study of more than 11,000 couples has shown, however, that the type of relationship that is developed and strengthened over the years primarily determines how comfortable the partners feel with one another.
"The dynamic that you build up with someone, the shared values, the inside jokes, the shared experiences - it's all so much more than the two individual individuals who are in the relationship," says study director Samantha Joel from the Western University in Ontario.
The problem is: Especially when you are going through a difficult phase, the focus is unfortunately on what does not work in this relationship.
Because the more stressed couples are, the more likely they are to focus on what is going wrong.
This can be explained, among other things, by a physiological stress reaction: the more pressure you feel, the more stress hormones such as cortisol circulate in the blood, the more you develop tunnel vision, you no longer have clear judgment and only look at the negative and alarming.
To person
Holger Kuntze
is a psychotherapist and couples therapist in Berlin.
He also writes books.
His guidebook "To love means to want: How relationships can succeed when we rethink freedom" has been published by Kösel-Verlag.
The Berlin couple therapist Holger Kuntze, who developed this coaching for SPIEGEL WISSEN, has made the experience in his practice: In order to strengthen a relationship or to enjoy it again, it is important to take a very conscious look at what actually works well and is beautiful.
And that's exactly what the first exercise is about:
What we can do
Sit down in peace and think of everything that is concretely visible and tangible in your relationship and what you experience as beautiful and strengthening.
It is important not to get lost in desires and hopes, but to look at exactly what is currently and consider what is good about it.
To do this, find answers to the following questions:
In which respects can you rely on your partner and he / she can rely on you?
In which moments or on which topics do you feel supported and held by your partner?
In which three - positive - words are you both masters?
What nice situation do you remember from the past week with your partner?
When answering these questions, did you think of a few common strengths and potentials?
Well then, indulge in it a little, build on that positive outlook.
And now you go one small step further: in the next few days, keep looking at these resources in your everyday life together.
Try to encourage and strengthen these positive forces.
This perspective on the good in the relationship helps to mitigate a vortex of accusations or negative thoughts.
And that's just as well.
CONTINUE READING:
Who fits who?
Why do some couples diverge and others not?
There are also exciting scientific findings that are presented here (the text comes from the current issue of SPIEGEL WISSEN »Learn to Love«).
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