At the age of 33, Bauman lives with her mother and husband Shimi Tavori • "I weigh 27.4 kg, need a kidney transplant and have no teeth.
And yet, I want to lose two more pounds "• Interview
Karin Bauman.
"I also have a side that understands it's sick and fucked up"
Photo:
Efrat Eshel
Karin Bauman
sits on the bed in her small room at her mother's house, dressed in pajamas that seem to hang loose on her slender body, and connected to the infusion.
Her hair is sparse, her cheekbones are protruding, her eyes are sunken, her teeth are missing and her arms are full of countless blue marks from countless stabs of infusions.
She speaks slowly, barely able to make a sound, and even the tears barely manage to trickle down.
More than ten years have passed since Bauman, 33, a former model, was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa and bulimia.
More than ten years of vomiting, uncontrollable bouts of binge eating, pain, hospitalizations, infusions and transfusions, and also of loneliness, tossing between hope and despair and an endless war itself.
On the bed next to her lay a diary laden with texts written in dense, round handwriting.
Through it she passes the time, unloads what is on her heart and also fantasizes in words about what she could have been if she had not been ill.
"I have already written 37 notebooks," she says, handing me the diary.
"But don't read, just look."
What was the last text you wrote?
"On the last page I wrote that I decided to give up life. I mean, not that I want to die, but that I accept the reality that I probably can't live. I want to, but I can't. And only today am I beginning to understand that."
When was the last time you considered?
"I weigh in every day. Today I weigh 27 pounds."
Her mother, Judith, intervenes in the conversation.
"Did you go down again? Yesterday you told me 28."
Karin: "Do not be angry, I am 27.4. I was even close to 30, but one day you go up and one day you go down. What can I do?"
Bauman lives in North Tel Aviv at the home of her mother and her husband, singer Shimi Tavori.
She has five brothers, most of whom have had past careers in the glamorous world: Orly (43), a past model and mother of three, who lives in London ("Orly is my life. She tries to talk to me as much as possible. She reminds me of her mother in her concern");
Rene (41), a former model who was photographed for international campaigns and today does business in Frankfurt;
Anna (39), a past model and mother of two living in London;
Stephen (36), a businessman living in London;
And Natalie, 32, a past model and mother of four.
They were all born in the Netherlands and immigrated to Israel with their mother.
Their father remained to live in the Netherlands.
Karin grew up in Nahariya, and nurtured dreams of an international career.
"I imagined myself walking the most important routes," she says.
Eating disorders and difficulties with body image began when she was 13. An adolescent girl, a member of a model family, who dreams of succeeding.
"I weighed a little over 50 kg then, and I prayed to God to make me thin," she recalls. "I slowly grew taller and taller, and every time I managed to lose weight, I wanted more.
"Later I had an agent in Paris who said, 'Everything is perfect with you, just lose five pounds, and don't stop working.' I started to lose weight. I lost five pounds, and after five I wanted five more, and five more. And I didn't stop."
How did you get down?
"At first it was healthy diets, which almost every woman did at least once in her life. Then I switched to fasting. Lists of calories. The first time I vomited was in rehearsals for the 'Girl of the Year' contest, when I was almost 17. I wanted to get as thin as possible. We ate lunch. "I took two bites, and immediately went to vomit. One of the contestants heard me and went to report me to the organizers, but they did nothing about it."
Bauman finished the competition as first runner-up - a title that was supposed to officially herald the beginning of her career as a model.
But her condition deteriorated.
"I started vomiting more. I befriended someone with an eating disorder, and she taught me everything. Vomiting methods, laxatives. I would do everything in secret, no one knew what I was doing. I lost more and more weight, until I started fainting at parties. Friends would take me home. Mom would ask, 'Why did you come back so early?'
And
at one point I stopped seeing people, I moved away from all my friends.
Until one day, when I was 23, I went into the shower, forgot to lock and Mom came in and saw everything.
My height is 1.69 meters, and I weighed 43 kg at the time.
Judith: "I never went into my kids' showers, and that time I went in by chance, God sent me. I saw a skeleton, and I thought I was hallucinating. I fainted on the spot."
Until then, did you not notice that she is thin?
"She kept wearing sweatpants and layers upon layers, which you could not see. On the face I saw that she was thin, but not something out of the ordinary."
Karin: "I remember before a party I would wear a fur coat to hide my thinness, and in the street they would shout at me, 'What happened, Kate Moss?', And 'Girl, the heroin chic period has passed.' I told them, 'Maybe she passed, but I Love like that. "
Who was your model for modeling?
"There was no one. I never envied another girl's body. I wanted only for myself."
At age 23, she
was first hospitalized in the anorexia ward at the hospital.
Since then, in fact, she has not parted from her.
"In the first hospitalization I managed to gain from 43 kg to 55, which is like a success, but not really.
Because when I went out, I had a boom in my heart.
I had an enlightenment that I would never be healthy again.
It was the saddest day of my life because I knew this disease would haunt me all my life.
Unfortunately I was not wrong. "
In how much time did the situation deteriorate again?
" Very quickly.
Come to think of it, I actually never recovered.
When I weighed 50 pounds I knew it was beautiful, but there was (pointing to her head) something bigger than me.
Men would get stuck in the pillars because they could not stop looking at me.
I am aware of everything I was, but I was no longer interested in going out and looking good, I was not interested in how men would see me, but only in how I would see myself.
And I wanted to be the thinnest there is - even at the cost of being alone and without friends. "
When did you realize you wanted to stop?
" Now I have reached a point where I need a kidney transplant, I am not ready to do dialysis.
I can not sit, because I do not have fat in the tail bone, and I am actually sitting on the bone and it is very painful.
I can barely get to the bathroom, because I get dizzy and fall, and I have no teeth. "
When you stand in front of the mirror, what do you see?
" I see a normal person, with a normal and beautiful weight.
But I also have a side that understands that it's sick and screwed up.
I'm not an idiot, but I still want to lose another two kilos. "
The conversation with Karin
was unplanned.
The original plan was a couple interview with her Jewish mother and Shimi Tavori, who is currently returning to a routine and also releasing a new single.
But a brief conversation with Karin, who was lying in a side room, revealed the tragedy that has accompanied the family for years.
Shimi: "It is not easy to live in this situation. Every day hospitals, medicines, and she suffers. We dedicate our lives to her. When I go to perform and Judith comes with me, we return home after an hour. But we have hope that she may still gain weight and get better. ".
Judith: "People are surprised that Shimi and I are still together and that we are happy. Our love is at its peak, and it is more than anything it used to be. But there are also difficulties, which are not seen outside. Unfortunately, Karin and Shimi do not get along. No longer only hers but also his.
"When she eats and does not finish the food on a plate, he wakes her.
He can sometimes tell her, 'All the food is thanks to me.'
And I think if a person gives food, there is no need to comment.
"A lot of times I find myself among them. I stand between them, so that he does not make faces at her. I would very much like them to get along."
Karin: "Shimi does not kiss me or hug me, even though I treat him with respect. Sometimes I have a feeling that he puts bad things in my mother's head. I feel that no one but my mother cares about me."
Shimi: "Sometimes Karin swears, and it's not pleasant, and I get unpleasant words. Karin sometimes feels that I took her Jewish. Because Karin is dependent on Jewish, Jewish is limited, and then I am also limited. But apparently I am on a mission, and God sent me here."
Judith: "The day before the wedding I told him: 'Shimi, maybe think about it again. My family is very challenging, why do you need it on your head?'. He said to me: 'I will stay with you.'"
"We have serious financial difficulties," Yehudit continues.
"I am not ashamed to say that I need help. I sold my house in Nahariya to take her to a private clinic, and I paid $ 65,000, but the treatment did not work.
" The only food Karin eats costs NIS 15,000 a month, because of the large quantities.
We do not have money to buy so much, but I buy.
Shimi sometimes tells me not to buy the most expensive things.
There is no such thing, if need be I will collect alms for her.
My biggest fear is that there will be no more how to feed her.
Shimi works here and there, and if you ask him, he will tell you 'Thank God, everything is fine.' But that's not true. The truth is we have no money. Until the eyes see, no one can believe. We take loans and more loans, and wait For miracles. "
Shimi: "We want to make a decent living, and I hope we get a big campaign. I have a heartbreak for Judith, no one knows how much she suffers and what lies beneath her smiles. We do not want to ask for alms, I work hard but it is not always enough."
Judith: "Shimi gives and helps, but I do not want to run out of his money. What he has left is for old age. He is already 68 years old, and this period is very difficult, because of the corona. He loves me very much, one day he said to me: 'If you leave Me, I'll lose myself. '
"But he does not know the disease well enough, and it is difficult for him to deal with it.
Sometimes, when Karin can't eat what she needs, he yells at me not to throw it in the trash.
He goes to the trash and checks what we threw away.
"First of all, it's my daughter. I'm the only one of all the family and friends who cares for her. She's very dependent on me, and I'm always close to her. I'm willing to sell a kidney so I can have Karin's room to get a princess room. Love. I'm dying to give my life for her
.
But I'm willing to do anything and give up life outside, so she's good.
I am also willing to donate a kidney to her, even though I have diabetes.
Because if I lose Karin, if Karin is not in the world, I will not be either. "
Do you have such a fear?
" Sure, every minute.
Dr. Eitan Gur, director of the eating disorders department at Sheba, who treats her endlessly, told me: "Judith, don't expect it." Two years ago, the doctors told us she would not hold out until the summer. "
Karin's life
goes on between two extreme extremes.
One day she is fasting, except for drinking, and the next day she eats one long meal, which begins in the afternoon and lasts for long hours.
She eats and drinks enough for several people, but during that never-ending meal, vomits several times.
"I love Mom's food," she says.
"Rice, couscous, mashed potatoes and crushed fruit, like they do for children. Sometimes I take a teaspoon of dawn chocolate and eat like a delicacy, because usually chocolate sticks to the stomach. But in my condition, it comes out too. There are a lot of things the body no longer accepts.
" Can eat shawarma or falafel, and I want to cry just from saying that.
Now Mom bought a blender to grind fruit for me.
When you get to this point, it means that death is near. "
What happens to your body when you eat?
" Food is not digested.
When I eat, it hurts.
In the head anxieties, and in the body everything hurts.
Today I'm in a situation where I no longer have to initiate vomiting, I just bend over and vomit. "
And if I bring you something you like now?
" Even if you bring me couscous now, I will not eat it.
Even for a million dollars.
But tomorrow I will eat, because I know I have to eat to live. "Does anything excite
you sometimes?
" Nothing.
I watch 'Master Chef', and nothing excites me.
Most of all, it scares me the most that I do not feel hungry.
I can not eat for four or five days without feeling.
Mother went to her grandson's bar mitzvah, and was guarded by relatives.
I did not agree to eat anything until she came back, because only she knows what I need.
I depend on her. "
Judith:" I stand on my feet until 12 at night and serve her from the moment she starts putting something in her mouth.
No one can stand on their feet for eight hours of a meal. "Is
there still a chance she will gain weight?
Judith:" Her great luck is that her digestive system is just fine, and she can still slowly gain weight, if she wants to. "
Karin:" You are not right. "
Judith:" If you listened and did not run away, you could raise.
Let's tell you the truth, you do not want Zonda.
"If she had agreed to receive food through Zonda, it would have saved her. I asked the Ichilov Ethics Committee to give her Zonda and put guards at the entrance to her room, but they did not approve of me. I tried to forcibly hospitalize her, and the court did not approve."
Karin: "It's easy to say, but Zonda is suffering, with a sense of paralysis. If I could be put to sleep, I would agree. But that's a nightmare. And even then, I would gain weight at the rate of a mouse."
Yehudit: "The doctor who treats her tells me that she is a medical miracle. From all the pots I make for her, I believe that something was absorbed in the end."
For the past year,
Bauman has been visiting Ichilov once every two days, where she receives infusions of vitamins and iron, which she is unable to inject into her body through meals, and sometimes blood doses.
After three hours in the hospital, she returns home and lies in bed.
She is considered a caregiver, and hardly functions without the help of her mother.
"I can't tell you how many times I fell," she says.
"I get out of bed, go to the bathroom, get dizzy and fall. If I'm alone, it's very dangerous. I also can not shower alone. Because of the wound in the tail bone I need a new bed, but know it's not possible right now."
Judith pulls out a silicone seat cushion from the closet.
"I bought it for her for NIS 2,500, but she is not comfortable with it. They were not ready to get it back."
Karin: "There are quite a few moments where I want to die. One morning you will get up and you will see that I am dead," she turns to her mother.
"It's just a matter of time. I'm not alive."
Judith: "I do not want to hear you say those words."
Karin: "She's anxious, because she's closest to me, and the only one who feels me. If she was not here, I would not be either. I live for her.
" I do not want to die.
I want to live, but I also know I can die from the situation I got into.
My dream is to save other girls.
I promise that if I go out one day, I will dedicate my whole life to girls who suffer from it. "
What message would you like to convey to girls who read the article, and have a problem with body image and weight?
" To the youngest I say: catch it in time.
it's not worth it.
It's a nightmare, it's a pain, it's a deep fear and sadness, of which there is no way back.
If you get there, you will regret this moment.
This is a vortex, which is most of the time stronger than you.
It's cancer of the mind.
Do not enter there. "
erans@israelhayom.co.il