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Couple coaching: that's the way it is

2021-04-09T09:37:31.594Z


Many relationships fail because of expectations that are too high. Here we introduce two exercises with which you can learn to lovingly accept the quirks and weaknesses of your partner.


Many relationships fail because of expectations that are too high.

Here we introduce two exercises with which you can learn to lovingly accept the quirks and weaknesses of your partner.

According to the Swiss psychology professor and relationship researcher Guy Bodenmann, many relationships fail because of excessively high and unrealistic expectations.

No wonder: 80 percent of couples enter a relationship with false expectations, as a study has shown.

We believe that the partnership has to fulfill all of our wishes, always be great and make us happy all the time.

Bodenmann once described the downward spiral that resulted from this in a SPIEGEL interview: »Of course, reality looks very different, which leads to disappointment, frustration and, as a result, to quackery and irritability.

In the course of this development, the partners begin to demand that their needs be met; pressure is put on each other.

This leads to power struggles and a loss of the quality of relationships. "

Recognizing the dark side of relationships takes strength.

It is very difficult, even in everyday situations, to accept certain weaknesses and peculiarities of the partner and simply to say to yourself: "Well, I don't like that, but that's just the way it is!" He never screws the lid on the toothpaste tube, it never hangs hers Jacket in the closet but tosses it over the back of the chair.

It is worthwhile to practice acceptance in love.

The American psychology professor and psychotherapist Stephen C. Hayes describes how one can pacify relationships through an accepting attitude in his book »ACT der Liebe.

With the help of acceptance and commitment therapy, end unnecessary struggles, resolve differences and strengthen the relationship «.

Acknowledging downsides and weaknesses is a process that often results in giving each other a good kind of freedom.

The following two exercises will help you to incorporate this kind of acceptance into everyday life.

Choose the exercise that you find spontaneously easier:

Exercise one: draw the fancy joker

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Is there anything about your partner that you don't like at all?

But that simply belongs to him, such as disorder, absent-mindedness, a quick temper, volatility, a penchant for lecturing.

Whatever bothers you about the character of your partner, say it out here for yourself and name the quirk.

And now try to give your partner a license to play a kind of joker for this one weakness that you do not like.

Say to yourself: "He can't get out of his skin either." Try to practice this acceptance in everyday life, even if you believe somewhere in the back of your head that you shouldn't be so indulgent.

Keep this point of view for a few days.

If it's easy for you, stick with it longer.

See what this change of attitude develops in the relationship.

Exercise two: going out with someone else

There are bound to be interests that your partner doesn't share or activities that they don't feel like doing - but are important to you.

Now choose one of them and keep track of it.

Ask a friend, or take care of this interest on your own.

What sounds banal is sometimes not that easy because it often seems daring at first: Go out with others if your partner is a party muffle.

Travel alone if your partner prefers to stay home.

Use a weekend for a hobby, even if you lose time as a couple.

Try out what it feels like to do important things alone or with someone else - and still stay connected with your partner.

As you do these exercises, you may find that acceptance is an important quality, especially in long-term relationships.

If during the exercises you had the feeling that this attitude of acceptance is not right for you, then consider whether you are fundamentally dissatisfied with your relationship.

Are you thinking of ending the relationship and leaving it behind?

If that's your topic right now, take it seriously and pursue it.

For example, talk to a friend about it.

Try to make a decision in the medium term whether to leave or stay.

Because: If you stay, try, even if it is difficult, to accept a few of the partner's weaknesses - and not to doubt again immediately if something goes wrong.

CONTINUE READING:

You can find the complete SPIEGEL interview "Love is a climbing game" with Guy Bodenmann here.

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Source: spiegel

All news articles on 2021-04-09

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