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Our lives change (again) and so must rituals

2021-05-08T08:47:56.609Z


In the pandemic we create new rituals to connect with others and give meaning to life. What will happen to them now?


The ways Zoom brought us together this year 1:28

(CNN) -

 Birthday.

Wedding.

Graduations

When the COVID-19 pandemic hit last year, we saw old landmarks - and the rituals we depended on to mark them - seem to vanish into the ether.

If you're like many people, the early days of the pandemic, and the pain they contained, probably left you adrift.

When I say "pain," I don't just mean the devastating loss of life.

It is natural to also regret the loss of opportunities and celebrations.

Almost as soon as we saw some beloved rituals disappear, we humans began to do what we do best.

We improvise.

We got creative.

We grew up.

And soon entirely new rituals were born, from those that rely on technology, such as cocktail hour at Zoom, to others, such as quiet walks in the woods, that depend on nature.

Ingenious School Graduations in America (May 2020) 1:07

"Rituals paint indelible images on our minds and hearts," wrote family therapist Evan Imber-Black in a fantastic recent article on the subject.

"And when these rituals disappear, there is something ingenious and insistent in the human spirit that requires us to create rituals again."

  • The pandemic forced us to create habits that benefit the Earth and ourselves.

    We tell you which ones to keep

Now that we emerge into a world that is hopefully beginning to feel a bit more "normal," I am left wondering: Will we go back to our old rituals as if nothing had changed?

Or will there be new ways to experience community, connection, structure, and cohesion?

"Rituals help us mark time and organize the meaning of change," says psychoanalyst Juliane Maxwald.

"The process of change involves both grieving the loss and accepting growth, keeping an eye on the past while looking to the future."

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  • ANALYSIS |

    A return to life before the pandemic appears to be close, but confusion over covid-19 remains for many Americans.

That's especially true these days, when some of us prepare to rejoin society with an amalgam of excitement and fear.

A case in point: one of my patients loves to cook at home with her fiancé and train him as a sous chef, and is worried about dining out again.

New York and New Jersey restaurants reopen (March) 2:43

The key to overcoming these concerns is communication with your partner or family.

Be honest with yourself and with them about what pandemic habits you want to maintain or abandon.

"You may be grateful that life slowed down during the pandemic, while your partner may be excited to resume activities that have been restricted," Maxwald explained.

"Approaching these differences with curiosity, not criticism, will help us stay connected to one another as we redesign our daily routines and weekly rituals."

Here are some ways to take advantage of what we have learned over the past year to honor that time as we embrace what is to come.

New ways to celebrate

The effect of the pandemic on rituals was perhaps most evident in regards to holidays, birthdays and other celebrations.

When we lost the opportunity to meet, we began to celebrate these events through video calls or with parties in the car and at a distance.

Imber-Black describes a couple who were determined to keep their wedding date, and they did, with a small but joyous ceremony outside their Brooklyn home.

"This portico, a place to dance, talk or simply think alone and in company, was full of significant memories from before covid-19," he wrote.

  • Two gay couples said "yes" to a historic military wedding in Taiwan during the pandemic

Although we generally prefer to celebrate in person than virtually, we can gain something by incorporating technology into our lives.

Now we know that even our less tech-savvy friends and relatives can figure out how to video chat.

Perhaps in the future Thanksgiving celebrations and other holidays will include a hybrid of in-person and virtual attendees.

Virtual celebrations can offer another advantage for those suffering from social anxiety or uncomfortable family situations.

"I think the covid-19 has allowed people to reflect on what works, and what does not, of traditional rituals," says marriage and family therapist Jean Pappalardo.

"For those who may need to get away from a toxic home environment, technology provides a safe barrier."

Creativity and comfort

During the pandemic, many rituals provided us with a sense of comfort by structuring chaos, couples therapist Deborah Fox said.

  • How to feel good psychologically in the middle of the pandemic

Some parents instituted family dinners or game nights, while couples planned regular date nights at home, some of them in formal attire.

This sense of creativity is due in part to the fact that we had few options: going out to dance was not an option, but it was an option to swing to the rhythm of the music with your partner in your living room, even in a dress or a tuxedo.

  • A Colombian couple wins the 2020 Tango Dance World Cup virtually

While some of us can't wait to get back on the dance floor (or club, bar, office, amusement park) ASAP, others hope to keep their new rituals alive.

Hinge revamps its virtual dating platform 1:19

"I hear a lot of people put a lot of value on what they discovered and want to keep, like the evening family dinner with both parents at home or taking out the dusty board games," says Fox.

"Some parents consider a hybrid workweek so they can stay involved in the aspects of their children's lives that they have come to know."

Embracing spontaneity

While some rituals can be predictable, others can be quirky and spontaneous.

At the beginning of the pandemic, when their country was closed, Italians opened windows and sang, played musical instruments, clapped and even beat pots and pans as a way to support frontline workers.

He plays serenades for his quarantined parents (March 2020) 0:59

Near my home in New York, teddy bears began to appear in the windows as the world closed: a whimsical way to substitute fear for joy for children and adults.

"Rituals make us vulnerable because they can lead us into the unknown," says couples and family therapist Rebecca Sokoll, who takes daily walks that are anything but predictable.

"They happen spontaneously, at different times of the day, and take me to a new place each time."

Room for growth

Regardless of what you decide to take from the pandemic or leave behind, some rituals never go out of style.

Practicing deep breathing, lighting a candle, writing in a journal, and enjoying nature were stabilizing rituals before and during COVID-19, and I hope they continue well beyond this time.

How Does Meditation Help You Manage Uncertainty?

28:29

It's okay to spend time thinking about what has worked for you and what hasn't.

While most of us would like to relegate Covid-19 to the dustbin of history, there are valuable lessons worth holding onto as well.

"Nothing happens if it is not exactly the same as during Covid-19: there is also room for growth and novelty," says sex therapist Tara Galeano.

"The most important thing is to adhere to the values ​​we have acquired."

"The rituals changed but were not broken during covid-19," wrote Imber-Black.

"When the confinement finally becomes a memory and some of the newly invented rituals fade, I predict that many will remain as discoveries of our creativity, our capabilities, and our need for the human connections that rituals offer."

- Ian Kerner is a licensed couples therapist, writer, and contributor on the topic of relationships for CNN.

Source: cnnespanol

All news articles on 2021-05-08

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