What to do if your sex life was hit hard by the pandemic?

This is how covid-19 would affect your sex life, according to a doctor 1:29

Editor's Note:

Ian Kerner is a professional marriage and family therapist, writer, and contributor to CNN on the subject of relationships.

His most recent book is a guide for couples and is called "So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex."

(CNN) -

When the covid-19 arrived, I stopped receiving so many consultations from new patients for sex therapy.

Finally, I thought, people are having sex.

None of the old excuses - like working late, dinner commitments, a rough trip - got in the way.

And if there is nothing else to do on a Friday night, why not have sex?

I was wrong.

Our libidos are like the stock market.

In general, they go up or down, but, if you look closely, there are numerous factors - physical and psychological - that affect these variations.

And, in the era of COVID-19, we exercise less, eat more, drink, smoke, and vape to escape anxiety, all of which affect our sexual health and self-esteem.

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We may not take off our pajamas or shower as regularly, which affects attraction.

We are largely isolated from the outside world and its external stimuli.

And that leads to anger, resentment, and a sense of relational claustrophobia.

There is research to back up what we all feel: A meta-analysis of seven studies from the United States, China, Turkey, Italy, and the United Kingdom examined the effects of COVID-19 on people's sex lives and found a decrease in sexual activity in couple during the pandemic.

Other research found that the effects of prolonged and forced cohabitation during confinement led couples to resort more to masturbation and porn consumption, and less to sex with each other.

But spring - and optimism - is in the air, and it's time to give sex a recharge.

In my work, I help people fix their sex lives by really paying attention to what works and what doesn't work in what I call the "sex script."

From the first moments of initiation to the final moments when someone turns around and reaches for their mobile phone, each sexual event tells a story that has a beginning, a middle, and an end.

My goal is to help couples rewrite their sexual scripts, often moving away from pain and closer to pleasure.

Through my questions, patients describe a recent sexual event step by step.

For example, 'How did they start?

Who started it?

Of all the things you could have done at that time, how was the meeting? "

You too can rewrite your own sex script and arouse desire, even during a pandemic.

Here we tell you how.

The pandemic affects sex, according to a psychologist 0:22

See it as an opportunity for your sex life

While they may be eager to get back to their pre-pandemic life, change doesn't happen overnight.

"Rather than being critical of yourself, see it as an opportunity to connect, much like you did when you first got together," suggests sexologist Yvonne K. Fulbright.

"There is a novelty in intimacy, in the sense that we are all slightly different people after the last 15 months," he says.

"Don't push yourself to go back to your old routines, but think carefully about how this next chapter in your love relationship can be even better."

Be determined

"Many of us think that sex is a passive - or worse, automatic - function of the body," says sex therapist Emily Jamea.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

On the contrary, many people, especially those in long-term relationships, have to be more determined when it comes to provoking desire.

Take off those old sweatpants and ripped shirts.

Replace them with something sexy and sensual, ”says sex educator Jane Fleishman.

Another strategy?

Schedule a weekly sex date.

"This gives both of you time to anticipate and prepare for the date, and helps manage expectations around sex," explains sex therapist Juliane Maxwald.

"You may think that this is unsexy, but it is a myth that desire is always spontaneous."

Put away your phones and take the time to focus on each other: talking about children, work or finances is not allowed.

And put fun first, says Fulbright: "Fun and laughing activities can help reduce stress and feel a little more excited."

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Take time for yourself

You can't feel sexy with someone else if you don't feel sensual and calm alone.

Fulbright recommends setting aside some "me time," whether that's 20 minutes of yoga during your lunch break, starting your day with a 10-minute clearing-head meditation, or taking a walk alone.

“If you are one of the many people who find sexual desire difficult, try asking yourself, 'What could help me?'” Recommends sex therapist Deborah Fox. Outdoors on a warm afternoon or reading something erotic?

There is a bridge between where your head is right now and where it could be… you just have to build it.

Talk about it

If you feel like you and your partner are on two different pages when it comes to sex, you are not alone.

In fact, differences in desire - also known as mismatched libido - are the main reason couples come to see me.

Good communication is needed to address this problem, but "we tend to talk less about sex with the person we are actually having sex with," says sexologist Tammy Nelson.

Share the good first, Nelson says.

"We always get more of what we appreciate, so start by telling your partner what you appreciate about their sex life, or what you've done in the past," she says.

Tell him you want to do more of that thing or that you want more of that feeling.

For example, 'I really like how we showered together.

I'd love to do more of that. '

Try something new

The pandemic has challenged us to do different things in many aspects of life, from work to school to socializing.

"Your sex life is no different in its need for renewal, pandemic or not," says Fulbright.

Although people had less sex during the pandemic, a recent study found that one in five participants said they expanded their sexual repertoire by incorporating new sexual activities, such as trying new positions, sending erotic messages - better known as

sexting -

and sharing fantasies.

Not surprisingly, these participants were three times more likely to report improvement in their sex lives.

Not sure where to start?

"Try being intimate outside the bedroom, or using a new toy or lubricant," suggests sex therapist Kristen Lilla.

“Changing the routine can also mean eliminating sex or intercourse as an option.

If you can't have sex, what would you do to connect physically?

Now, as we slowly emerge from the covid-19 pandemic, we re-embrace life and connection, and we try to take back what we had, let's not leave our sexual selves behind.

Yes, I always ask my sex therapy patients to tell me about the last time they were intimate, but what really interests me is the next time, and the next time.

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