"I want to keep a form of independence": these couples who choose not to live together

"It's been ten years that we fixed appointments to see each other and that suits me very well".

At 49, Aline, an aeronautical executive, does not intend to leave her finely decorated apartment in downtown Toulouse.

And even less to settle in the big house of Jacques, his companion, located about fifteen kilometers in a small village.

“We have two very different and almost irreconcilable lifestyles, so there was never any question of moving in together.

I am convinced that it is also one of the secrets of the success of our history ”.

The couple see each other several times a week, but never more than two nights in a row under the same roof.

Each has left a few things with the other and if they have exchanged their keys, it is just to avoid having to repeat the experience of being stuck in front of the door on an unforeseen day.

“I never go to her place without her being there,” explains Jacques.

We chose this way of life because it suits us perfectly.

We are very independent and we do not have the same rhythm of life.

She is a city dweller while I like to live in peace in nature.

Without children, there is no constraint of having to live under the same roof.

So we found this very enriching balance for both of us ”

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Like them, there are many couples who, for many reasons, have decided not to live together despite years of relationship. In a book published in 2018, the National Institute for Demographic Studies (INED) noted that 3.8 million people said they were engaged in a "stable non-cohabiting romantic relationship", but only 1.2 million declared themselves "in couple with a person who lives in another accommodation ”, ie less than 3% of 18‐79 year olds. The study also shows that this way of life concerns more urban areas, privileged social categories and same-sex couples.

At 43, Marie has never shared the same accommodation as one of her companions.

Guillaume, with whom she has had a relationship for three years, nevertheless offered to come and settle with him in Les Lilas (Seine-Saint-Denis).

But she prefers to keep her small Parisian apartment.

“I want to keep a form of independence, freedom and personal space,” explains this local official.

I want to be able to organize my time as I wish, receive my friends and keep my activities.

Having times of solitude is also essential to recharge my batteries ”.

"Afraid of feeling stuck"

The presence of her companion's daughter every other week also played in the balance, even if it is difficult for her to explain it to him. “I have a lot of affection for her, but I find it difficult to project myself into this pattern of family life that is not mine. I'm afraid of feeling stuck there. On the other hand, I find that distance fuels love. This creates a lack and we are happy to meet again. With Guillaume, we keep exchanges, especially written ones, which prolong a spirit of seduction. When I explained to him that this situation nourished my love for him, he understood that there was a big stake in this. Living together is a project we are considering… in ten years! But at that time, it would be to go and live in the countryside ”.

If non-cohabiting couples are more frequent among those under 30, they are then becoming rare. Economic constraints, the arrival of children and the impact of social norms precipitate the number of couples settling in common accommodation. But the tendency to experience love again each at home then increases from the age of 45. Especially when the relationship devotes a second - or even a third - life after a separation. “My new partner has three children, I have a 7-year-old son and the organization is sometimes a puzzle,” smiles Merwane. Between the different types of childcare, the fact that the schools are in remote neighborhoods and the location of the ex-spouses, we quickly realized that keeping two apartments was the easiest for us.Our children see each other from time to time but everyone keeps their home. And for us, there are no domestic constraints or money matters. This avoids a lot of tension. Even if the logistics are more complex and that has a financial cost ”.

For some, the choice to physically separate in order to better find themselves in their relationship comes late. Once retired, Sophie and Gérard have decided not to live together permanently. The hunting enthusiast has taken up residence in the secondary residence of Orne while his wife continues to run the Parisian exhibitions by living in the apartment deserted by their two grown children. “Some friends took it as a divorce, admits the former accountant. In fact, we especially need to no longer live on each other and to see each other to share good times. After ten or fifteen days alone, I'm happy to go to a restaurant, to see friends or to see a play with him. During confinement, we spent three months without seeing each other. Together, we would have got on our nerves. The,our reunion was very happy. After 30 years of living together, no longer enduring daily life is a real breath of fresh air ”.

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