In pandemic confinement, a trigger for depression 28:47
Editor's Note:
Psychologist John Duffy, author of "Parenting the New Teen in the Age of Anxiety," practices in Chicago.
He specializes in working with teenagers, parents, couples and families.
(CNN) -
During the pandemic, I worked with an adult client to solve a series of unforeseen family problems: a son who was trying less than he should in his classes through the Zoom, clashes with her husband over financial reasons and because of the time they had to spend together as a family at home.
We all face unforeseen family problems in our homes throughout the pandemic: managing time with our loved ones, getting our children to listen to us, reasoning with a family member who refuses to be vaccinated, controlling the emotional temperature of an already stressed home.
What to avoid
As horrible as the pandemic was, it gave us the luxury of avoiding some long-standing family problems, such as grandparents who disapprove of our parenting styles or an adult sibling we can't stand because of his politics or narcissism.
Before the pandemic, these are the types of relationship problems that many of my clients were solving.
But during COVID-19, many did not have to see those troublesome family members, and in many cases the conflict seemed to disappear completely.
Now those family problems have returned.
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In the last few weeks, I have been seeing those negative family members come back to my clients' lives with more force.
As families reunite in America, the trials and personality clashes that had been put on hold resurface, often with renewed energy.
It turns out that pre-pandemic family patterns were firmly established and highly resistant to change.
Those conflicts and grudges never really disappeared.
They just faded into the background, ready to resurface at any moment.
Many of my clients are upset by this turn of events.
They thought they had finally gotten rid of the family confusion, so that it would return after the pandemic.
Now they are more upset and frustrated by the same stale topics.
And for those who carry the emotional weight of our families, their burden has grown quite large, and rapidly.
Limits could be part of the new normal
There is a change from before the pandemic: I hear my clients say that they are no longer willing to continue with the pre-pandemic status quo, but instead set clearer and firmer boundaries to protect themselves emotionally.
I work with a 40-year-old woman who has had relationship problems with her mother since her teens.
He describes his mother as critical, distant, and emotionally unavailable.
He felt a respite from these feelings in his brief but pleasant exchanges with his mother during the pandemic.
But once they sat face to face again, without a mask and up close, the toxicity quickly returned.
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In therapy, we discovered that he had a certain capacity for action in this relationship that he did not know he possessed before covid-19.
I had options.
He could tell his mother that as soon as he said something offensive, he would leave.
It could ban certain topics.
He could set limits.
In any toxic family relationship you have, you can do the same.
You cannot change other people, but you can choose not to see them more or to see them much less.
You can hang up the phone or walk away when you are offended.
You can decide that they cannot stay the night.
And with clear, non-negotiable boundaries, that pain in relationships can really be mitigated.
Setting clear boundaries is not a concession or a punishment.
Rather, it provides structure around a difficult relationship.
That clarity can preserve an otherwise irreparable relationship.
The mother of the woman cited above, for example, responded very well to the limits my client set.
And setting limits not only works in family relationships, but in most of the connections we have that unnecessarily drain our precious emotional energy.
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Before going back to the same patterns, take a moment to consider your family relationships.
The pandemic allowed us to take a step back and take stock of how we spend our time, and with whom we do it.
We more clearly recognize toxicity in our relationships.
And we have a chance to act on it before our negative pre-pandemic patterns return.
During this post-pandemic period, I strongly encourage you to take stock of your family relationships and consider which ones give you energy and which ones drain you.
In the case of the latter group, establish clear and overt boundaries now, before those well-learned patterns are re-established.
Family Relationships