Sabrina Diaz Virzi
07/28/2021 6:00 AM
Clarín.com
Families
Updated 07/28/2021 6:00 AM
“When I wrote
'Bésame mucho'
I had never heard the word 'co-sleeping', it appeared much later.
Putting the child to bed was something that had no name, "
Spanish pediatrician
Carlos González
, considered one of the leaders of respectful parenting
, tells
Clarín
.
It was in 2003 when this book was published for the first time (which has just been republished in Argentina, with exclusive sale in
Maminia
), which not only became a best seller, but also gave voice and arguments to the detractors of the "method" that Eduard Estivill had popularized Catalan with his book "Sleep as a child."
Published in 1996, the method proposed by Estivill consists of "educating" the baby's sleep by leaving him alone in his crib and, if he cries, wait a minute and then comfort him again but without lifting him from the crib;
then do the same after two minutes, and even offers a table with the times.
Carlos González says that co-sleeping has always existed, but over time it was given a name.
Photo: Shutterstock illustration.
“'Bésame mucho' I wrote it precisely because I saw many
parents concerned
about those recommendations and rules that were being given to them, such as 'never take the child in your arms' or 'never put the child in bed'. It was a conflict, because they continued to take care of their children as has always been done (taking them in their arms when they cry, or putting them in bed with you when they wake up at midnight) but, suddenly, they found books and 'experts' who told them that all this was wrong ”.
And he continues: “Most of them kept doing the same, but feeling
guilty
, thinking that they were doing something terrible and that because of what they did, their children were going to have sleep problems all their lives, or they were never going to leave. home because they were going to be spoiled and dependent, or who knows what other nonsense they were told ”.
In this context, he points out that before there were no “norms” similar to those of Estivill: until the end of the 18th century there were no books on this, and it was only at the beginning of the 20th century that these topics began to be discussed.
“Until the middle of the 20th century in Spain, most people neither read books on how to take care of a child nor did they take the child to the pediatrician, because there was no free pediatrician and you weren't going to pay for a consultation simply to ask how the child had that sleep or how you had to educate him: you paid the doctor only if the child had a fever or vomited blood for several days in a row ”.
On how children's sleep management has evolved, he says: “I understand that now there is something called a sleep coach, which parents pay to teach them how the child has to sleep.
It seems to me everything increasingly strange: before people had children and did not make a mountain of all this.
Children sleep, parents too;
children grow up, parents grow old… Life is like that ”.
Bésame mucho arose from detecting the conflict that parents felt between theory and reality.
Photo: Shutterstock illustration.
Are parents to blame for everything?
Graduated in medicine from the Autonomous University of Barcelona and trained as a pediatrician at the Sant Joan de Déu Hospital in that city, González is the founder and president of the Catalan Association for Breastfeeding (ACPAM) and the author of several books, such as
My child no It eats me
(1999),
Practical manual of breastfeeding
(2004) and
Talking about children
(2019).
- His book
In defense of vaccines
(2011) was published almost ten years ago.
How do you think the anti-vaccine movement evolved today and what does it “feed” on?
- The anti-vaccination movement seems to be still so strong, that in some European countries it has risen a lot, I would say that in Spain it remains more or less the same;
I don't know what is happening in Argentina or other countries in America.
Anti-vaccines seem to have loved the famous flu A ten years ago and are now enjoying the COVID-19 vaccine even more ...
It seems that the anti-
vaccine
movement
is getting more and more crazy
: 20 years ago those who were against vaccines said things that were not true, but at least plausible or reasonable, that could be discussed.
Now you hear such absurdly
ridiculous
things being said
that I don't know how anyone could have believed them.
- Why are today's mothers and fathers so internalized the concept of guilt?
- I see many fathers and especially many mothers who seem to feel very guilty or are very
afraid of doing things wrong
and then they feel guilty.
Throughout the twentieth century there have been trends or movements that have sought - I do not know if deliberately or by chance - to
blame fathers
, specifically
mothers
.
That concept that still appears in television series or
novels
: it
seems that there cannot be a murderer if he has not been traumatized in childhood
, it seems that parents must always be to blame for everything that happens to a person.
"It seems that parents must always be to blame for everything that happens to a person," says Carlos González.
Photo: Shutterstock.
You even still see very often theories expounded in bestselling books that say that
conflicts between mother and daughter
(when they are grandmother and mother)
are passed on
to children ...
So if a child has asthma it is because the grandmother did not let the mother breathe when she was little, or when a child vomits frequently it is because the mother does not swallow the grandmother, or
nonsense
like that.
On the other hand, it is much easier to blame mothers and say "I am sorry that you were not able to breastfeed as you wanted because you had a lot of cracks or infections and I am sorry I was not able to help you overcome these problems to be able to breastfeed" to say "I explained everything necessary to you and you have not breastfed because you really did not feel like it or you did not make an effort".
It is much easier to blame mothers than to acknowledge our own guilt.
- Between blame and external criticism ...
- I suppose that the fact that our children are so important to us contributes to the ease with which these guilt appear, since in other aspects of life there are discrepancies and nothing happens: some like soccer and others basketball , and nothing happens...
But if one lets the child cry and the other puts him to bed, it seems that it is essential for both of us to show that 'I have been doing it well' and, therefore, what you have done is wrong, because you have done it different.
And parents often find themselves being criticized for whatever decision they make;
usually
the minority decision is the most criticized
.
For example, a few years ago breastfeeding mothers received a lot of criticism because they were so few.
It would be nice for people to dedicate themselves to stop criticizing others and to dedicate themselves to doing their best.
- There is pressure that falls mainly on mothers and it seems that the "best" mother is the one who sustains breastfeeding the
longest
, the one who does the
most
co-sleeping, or gives her
more
natural
foods
... In addition to the fact that today most mothers they work, and combine parenting and caring with other tasks.
What is your assessment of how parenting has changed in this regard?
- Clearly there is pressure, sometimes even
commercial pressure
.
But I'm not sure that parents want to do their best because they are pressured: they intrinsically want to do their best, we all want to do what is best for our children.
And commercial pressure uses that: it will give you the argument that this food is better because it is natural, organic or because it does not contain palm oil ... Or that the crib is better because it is safer, or that this school is better because They learn English and Chinese from the age of five ...
And using that argument is how they try to sell the parents the methods, devices or whatever.
Trying to
make them believe that if they don't pay that, well, they will be bad parents
.
- And what can you tell us about your own experience as a father and grandfather?
- A few months ago my son, talking about my grandson, told us 'all I want is for him to be a good person when he grows up'.
These are the rewards of being a parent and being a grandparent: watching your children become parents, and
realizing that they are capable of doing better
than you did.
Look also
The "marketing" of children's sleep: from "Sleep, child" to sleep coaches
10 Sleeping Guidelines Every Family Needs To Know
Why you should not normalize bad sleep, even if you have young children
15 phrases to tell kids when they're crying
Why do babies cry?