In the hot and stagnant afternoon, Lin Yonglan (Verna) sat in the grooming.
The TV shows the interviews after the Tokyo Olympic Games. It is the figure of the gold medalist Jia Lang and her comrades in arms. In the past taekwondo event, the neat movements and agile posture of the players also made her look away.
But the former Taekwondo Hong Kong team's rising star may have to pass the competition stage.
Falling into the abyss of depression, her inner tugging ate herself away, and she finally chose to go to death last year.
But life is a process, and if there is loss, there must be gain.
The legs were amputated, the right eye was lost, and he was reborn from the fire, and the cocooned mind was reconciled in subtle ways.
Yong Lan took up his brushes, gathered past paintings, held a solo exhibition, and looked at his heart with art, and also sought a window of release: "I used to be the most honest when I painted the face. I will not deny myself, but appreciate myself more. , I want to report peace to everyone."
In the face of foreseeable pity or contempt, she believed that she could survive safely, "I don't care, because if you don't know me, you won't affect me even if you talk about it." (Photo by Zheng Zifeng)
A famous school girl, a black belt in Taekwondo and a Hong Kong team, can sing and dance, is good at drawing, and has a youthful and pretty face.
The beginning of the story is fascinating.
The subsequent apostasy, with emotional pressure, but she is only eighteen years old.
The scar that blooms on the arm is a signal for help and a common language for depressed girls to compete.
The scars have depths and depths, representing the scale of pain: "I don't want to say so much. Most of them are done. Wait until someone knows my pain." Doesn't it hurt?
"It hurts, but the moment is released." She felt that her feet were thick, and moved to her feet, and then slowly extended to her arms, her hair out of control.
His arms are covered with scars and blood-stained practice robe alarms the coach
"Many people saw it, it was shocking and concern."
It's not surprising that friends around me are used to self-harm.
The blood-stained practice gown finally alarmed the coach, but the paper could not contain the fire: "If you say I will tie it again, then I will stay in the Hong Kong team." Yong Lan reflexively moved towards more invisibility, "Don't cut off before practice. Come on."
But the parents have been kept in the dark.
She wore a gown trousers cover over many years, has deliberately set up walls, keep a distance from his family, "Do not want to give me a drainage Die discovered, will resist close, because certainly impossible Do not know."
"Sometimes if people may be more worried about the Department of Die What I say, I feel that I want to make people feel that I am in trouble."
Painting emphasizes concentration, but also injects emotions. In the world of art, she finds the truest self.
(Photo by Zheng Zifeng)
Self-destruction may stem from the lack of love.
I have a belief (belief), I want to do well, people will love me first; I want to be smart, people will tin me first.
When Yong Lan was promoted to middle school, he once fell severely.
Losing her favorite school, she consciously disappointed everyone's expectations. Others' words were like acupuncture, "So disappointing", "Is it possible to get in?" She had taken it with a smile at the time, and her heart was completely silent, "Actually, I'm so Hurt." (Injured), and feel that I am a failure again."
She pursues perfection in everything, like her studies, taekwondo and painting.
"I have unrealistic expectations of myself. I want to do my best. If I want to do taekwondo, I want the best. If I want to paint, it will be the same." During the interview, she pointed her finger under the stage and repeated With unconscious little movements.
Everything in the backlog gradually collapsed, and the first thing that derailed was schoolwork.
When she moved into the new environment, she couldn't do her best. "It seems that I can't concentrate, and I'm so muddy (cloudy). I can't remember a sentence after watching."
On campus, Yong Lan was also exiled.
The classmates gradually piled up, but she buried her thoughts and exuded an outlying aura: "I have so many unhappy faces to face and buried so many secrets, people will find it difficult for me to get close to, okay. Alienated, so weird."
Escape from the group but lonely
Later, she often hid in the toilet and buried her head in the library to escape the loneliness of being alone.
When meeting classmates, she would be consciously embarrassed and turned around and left, but she secretly called for friendship: "Actually, I want someone to hold me, more than to avoid them," she said softly.
There is nowhere to escape, the gymnasium has become a spiritual support.
Taekwondo is an achievement that she "can" be proud of. "It makes me feel that I don't know how to do it, at least I have a Hong Kong team." She learned taekwondo with her brother when she was a little four, and she was only "joining her feet", "one week." Once, I just went to play." Her brother and friends gave up school one after another, but she still insisted that after she was promoted to secondary school, she would join the Hong Kong team by chance.
The Pinshi team that specializes is a set of boxing that pays attention to the combination of form and spirit. She is still excited when she talks about it. "But none of the world-class players act exactly the same, and all of them have their own unique personalities."
The care of the elder sisters made her flattered, and she was also forgotten to spend her sweat, but training encryption is another difficulty.
"Actually, I turned my head around. If I don't like it, I can't deal with it, but I have never given up."
The biggest enemy is myself: I am a stranger
At the age of twelve, Yong Lan had realized something was wrong.
Emotions flooded in all directions, unable to resist, "I don’t know how to face it, and I call my mouth, I call my friends to speak, and I don’t have the skills to deal with it." Life goes smoothly and suddenly changes its tone, and it’s even more terrifying to lose yourself. stranger of myself (stranger), so unreal (unreal)."
She didn't believe her fate. She searched for the source on the Internet and was hit hard as soon as she got the answer. "When I see the word depression, my heart sinks. I don't want to admit that it is related to this." She let it go out of order. His emotions are fermenting, but he also secretly promised that if he wants to die, he must first seek help.
Fighting depression is like the metaphor of angels and demons. The heart splits into two selves, wrestling with each other.
She finally wrote a confession to her mother when she was in Secondary Four, "Tongqu said I would like to visit a psychiatrist." But the devil always prevailed. As a result, she went into and out of the clinic for a year, just as etiquette, left ear in and right ear. It said, "Even if I want to persuade myself to follow suit and do some self-improvement (self-improvement), it is useless, because there is a heavier one I don’t want."
I jumped down and woke up with my feet no longer on the ground
One midnight, she decided to surrender and jumped lightly.
That was in February last year. The global epidemic broke out one by one, and the number of confirmed cases rose and fell. She was busy confronting herself.
"Too much fighting inside, I'm so embarrassed."
Open your eyes again, still alive.
Lost the right eye, high amputation of both feet, "Many people will see the most obvious thing that I have lost, which is mobility (mobility), but for me, I have got a lot of people who can't see it." The care of my parents and the condolences and love of my friends, "I don’t know that I am so important, so many people, and I am so touched to receive everyone’s blessings." She regards it as a life experience when others offer compassion. Lian, "I will not look back from the perspective of regret. If nothing happened, I wouldn't be who I am today."
Open-mindedness is just the appearance. When the night is quiet, the trend of thought is always in motion. It is easier to accept what you have missed. She cries ashamed, "It is the saddest thing, because I have to be responsible for what I have done. No one can blame." But there is. Don’t use it, Yong Lan will not imprison herself, “If I’m so down, I’ll know that Doctor is a place I can go”; social media is like sugar-coated poison, everyone hides the evil and the good, “show your best side But it’s ugly, no one will look at it." She also hidden comparisons, fighting wits, fighting beautiful, fighting achievements, "knowing that it’s not healthy to herself." She chose to stay away.
Feeling addicted to self-harm, Yong Lan reminded herself to keep her distance, "Don’t be like before, and continue to swoop through."
After a long journey of recuperation, she regained her brushes, expressed her inner emotions, and continued her thought roaming.
Yong Lan prefers to depict "ugly" things and discover the beauty of imperfections. "I don't like to paint beautiful or rosy (good) things. I turn the beautiful and unpleasant into art. For me or someone, it will It's a kind of comfort." Large and small paintings are stacked in the corner of the home, preparing for the upcoming personal exhibition.
His mother is a military teacher behind the scenes. She is responsible for preparations and liaison. Yong Lan, who rushes to realize her daughter’s dreams and calmly shows her inner landscape, expresses her intentions with paintings, "After this difficult day, I want to give this gift to myself, and I want to share Everyone, I'm fine, so don't worry about me." She is always so empathetic.
"Oh, my home is so ugly. I don’t have a left eye or a left tooth. I have no left eye or left teeth. I don’t have a left eye or a left tooth. I don’t have a foot or a wheelchair. I literally put it on the wild (social platform). I just thought Hidden.” Even so, she still generously asked the photographer to take pictures of her face and smiled.
(Photo by Zheng Zifeng)
She often depicts a person she loves in reality, not only copying the outline of her appearance, but also repeatedly studying her personal experience or thoughts, using brushes to reshape him or her in her mind.
(Photo by Zheng Zifeng)
Yong Lan was a former athlete. She said that after an accident, she can still do palm pressing, relying on her arm to support and exert her strength, "it will be awkward", but she can still break through the limit if she has the heart.
(Photo by Zheng Zifeng)
She stayed in the hospital for 10 months and was discharged from the hospital on Christmas Eve last year. This is a double meaning to the family.
After discussion, the family moved from a tenement house in Kowloon to a village house in Tin Shui Wai, which was wheelchair accessible.
Visiting with Yong Lan outside the house, passing by the neighbors from time to time to say hello, she also likes the fresh air here, "there is no previous oppression, everyone just returns to work, it is so peaceful."
Her feet are no longer on the ground, and her journey to explore the world is more circuitous, but after this battle, Yong Lan said that she knew herself better, like pushing away the fog, and grateful for the moment, "It’s like experiencing a lot of hard training. It hurts, but there will be gains later.”
This exhibition is a gift she gave to herself, and she also showed her mental journey between the ages of twelve and eighteen. "I want to record the difficult days of this period. (Photo by Zheng Zifeng)
Next to Yong Lan’s paintings, I found French-American female author Anais Nin, an excerpt from life philosophies, "Keeping closed in the bud is more painful than the risk of blooming." (Photo by Zheng Zifeng)
In September this year, she will return to school.
Familiar with the environment, but with different people and things, she has hope, and she also does a good psychological exercise, including everyone's gaze, and all running-in.
She said that she must insist on completing her studies this time, not relying on the wishes of others, "it is a commitment to myself."
"You go on, believe in life. Even if anything happens, don’t worry about it. It’s okay to have pain and ill health. In the end, it will be in your best interest. Life will not betray you. Abandon you.” Just like the accident of knowing Yong Lan, it started with a scattered invitation letter for the exhibition, letting the reporter follow her destiny and walk into her inner fortress.
Lin Yonglan Solo Exhibition 2021-Inner Landscape
August 4 (4pm – 9pm)
August 5th to 8th (10am – 9pm)
August 9 (10am – 6pm)
Venue: Hong Kong Visual Arts Center
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