Enough of the 'constant harmony' myth: how to explain our anger to kids

Guadalupe Rivero

08/06/2021 6:00 AM

• Clarín.com

• Families

Updated 08/06/2021 6:00 AM

“Sometimes I get angry too, but I don't like it when I scream and I make you feel bad.

You forgive me?

I'm going to stay close to you while I learn to better explain what I feel ”.

The phrase was written in

I love you always

, a story that circulates widely in respectful parenting groups created by

María Casabal

and

Belén López Medus

, psychologists specializing in parental-juvenile therapies.

"We need to mentally break down the myth that to be good parents we must live in 'perfect harmony' with our children all the time. Only when we really believe it.

 we are going to be able to transmit it, "the specialists told

Clarín

.

López Medus is also the author of

The Day Mom Transformed into a Dragon

, where she talks about the overflows that motherhood brings and the importance of recognizing mistakes to maintain healthy bonds.

In his words, "if we repair bad parental responses, our mistakes can be transformed into valuable experiences that will enrich the development of our children."

- How can we explain our overflows to sons and daughters when they are children?

- María Casabal

: In our workshops we always say that what we think is more important than what we do or say.

First we have to be convinced that

the breaks are part of the ties

. 

Specifically, we can explain to them in an accessible way what happened to us that led us to act in this way.

Explain to them the 'behind the scenes', what happened to us before the event: that we were tired, nervous or worried about a specific situation.

The day mom turned into a dragon.

Photo: courtesy of the authors.

- Belén López Medus

: Generally, when we lose patience and control of our reactions it is because there is an accumulation of factors, an escalation of tension that ends up creating the

perfect storm

.

Although they have done or said something that made us explode, if we explain to them that there is something else, we help them not to feel guilty for our reaction.

We can explain to them that adults, like them, sometimes also have a hard time managing our emotions and that this does not mean that we do not love them.

Repeating ad nauseam that we always love them, even when we get angry and when we make a mistake when treating them badly.

- How are these bad parental responses repaired?

- María Casabal

: In the same way that we repair a conflict in our ties with other adults: we recognize the mistake and

ask for forgiveness

.

When we have a problem with a friend or partner, we usually address the issue in some way and repair the damage.

We have a coffee, we chat and, in an attempt to understand each other, the connection is reestablished.

But when we make a mistake with one of our children, many times we overlook the breakup, they seem to forget it and we let it go.

Recognize the mistake and ask for forgiveness, one of the keys.

Photo illustration Shutterstock.

- Belén López Medus

: Part of the repair happens at the same time we 'screwed up', or quickly after.

Once we are calm, we take charge of what we said or did when we were off-axis.

We once again show ourselves as a safe haven for our children, as that place where they can find comfort and safety.

We validate what they felt, always.

And if necessary, we can address their inappropriate behavior by helping them find better ways to express what they feel or to function in future occasions.

- María Casabal

: There is a second part, no less important, that can happen later, even days later.

It has to do with giving the boys the possibility to

put into words what happened

, something like 'telling the story' of the breakup.

By being able to talk about the fear they felt, the anger it gave them, or how unfair Mom's cry seemed to them, we prevent those emotions from being entrenched, and we help them to be

released

.

Telling it over and over again helps you understand, elaborate, and heal.

- Why do you think it is so difficult for us to accept that sometimes mothers and fathers also make mistakes in this role and, in doing so, we live it with so much guilt?

- Belén López Medus

:

This has to do with multiple issues.

On the one hand, the excess of information on different theories and parenting methods to which parents have easy access today, and receive without any filter, can in many cases generate a very high demand when exercising the parental role.

The information is necessary, it makes us reflect and question old ways of raising.

The point is that when we believe that respectful parenting is about perfect mothers and fathers, always available and possessing infinite patience, the bar is too high and any mistake makes us feel bad.

We feel guilty that we can't be that mom or dad that we genuinely want to be.

It's common to feel guilty for not being able to be that mom or dad that we genuinely want to be.

Photo illustration Shutterstock.

- María Casabal

: On the other hand, in general, we find it difficult to

accept our vulnerability

.

Integrate our lights with our shadows.

There is still little talk about the

B-side

of motherhood, which leads us to feel very alone when traveling through the inevitable corners of greater darkness that also comprise it.

We are ashamed to feel tired, uncertain and even want to run away from such a responsibility.

We find it difficult to talk about how difficult it is, many times, to get in tune with our children.

We have a hard time admitting that most of the time we have no idea what to do to help them.

And that

difficulty in talking about our fears

and our failures makes us live them alone.

When you feel that you are the only person in the world capable of yelling at your children on a busy day, it is inevitable to feel a great deal of guilt.

- What is this "reconnecting" with children after losing patience?

- María Casabal

: It is difficult to put into words what connection is because it is something that is understood by living it.

When we connect 'we feel felt' as Dr. Siegel, an American psychiatrist, says.

In that connection something happens that calms us down, that makes us feel seen and safe.

For it to happen after a breakup, we need to be calm again.

Both our children and us.

And create a space to talk about what we feel without being judged.

Wonky Steverlynck (illustrator of both books), Belén López Medus and María Casabal.

Photo courtesy of the authors.

- Belén López Medus

: It is not always necessary to use words to share an experience with another.

Sometimes gestures are enough to feel understood.

It must be a genuine meeting and that shows our desire to repair.

Perhaps what makes this reconnection so difficult is that there are no steps to follow, there is no manual, there are no exact words.

It is in what goes under what we say what magic does: what we think is transmitted in our body and in our eyes.

The balance between limits and empathy

The specialists highlighted that finding the balance between firmness and empathy is not easy and that the personal history of each mother and father is played here.

Validate the emotions of the child, meanwhile, is essential. 

- How do you strike a balance between firm boundaries and empathy when it comes to parenting?

- María Casabal

: Balance is always difficult to achieve.

It is achieved by putting one foot in your shoes and one foot outside.

When we manage to put ourselves in their place and see what is happening to them from 'their head' they feel validated and accompanied.

But if we are left only with his point of view we can lose ourselves in his feelings.

Bogged down with them, in their fears, sadness or anger, we stop being that source of security that helps them

regain emotional well-being

.

And if instead, we act 'from the outside', staying only with the firmness that puts an end to bad behavior, without addressing what they are feeling, they are left alone with their feelings.

The difficult thing to connect after the overflow is that there are no steps to follow or an instruction manual.

Photo illustration Shutterstock.

- Belén López Medus

: Feeling that there is someone who understands how they feel and who receives their emotions with tenderness gives them calm and security.

Feeling that there is someone greater who 'steers the wheel' when they feel they are sinking in their emotions also gives them security and tranquility.

Our style and our personal history make it easier for us to either of the two points: be firmer or be more empathetic.

It is natural for this to happen.

The important thing is to learn to register, to make friends with that place that is most uncomfortable for us to be able to strengthen it little by little.

I love you always.

Photo: courtesy of the authors.

- María Casabal

: Observing ourselves and sharing our difficulties with someone will make it easier for us to find balance the next time (and the following).

That is why we will not tire of saying that

shared motherhood is made simpler

.

We need to

talk about our mistakes

.

By shedding light on the parts that are most difficult for us and those that we would most like to hide, we will be able to integrate them without feeling like bad mothers every time we make mistakes.

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