Carla Orsini
08/15/2021 6:01 AM
Clarín.com
Families
Updated 08/15/2021 6:01 AM
When a couple separates, it is a complex and painful situation for all parties involved.
The decision not to continue a couple's project can be frustrating, but it should not interfere with the parenting role: a couple separates, not the motherhood.
The child is not an emotional hostage
, he is not guilty, he is not a witness, a referee, a messenger, or an object.
He is a child who needs both parents present, who fulfill their role with respect in order to grow in harmony.
No matter the age of the child, he will always need an explanation from both parents, clear and according to his age: it must be clear that his parents will be there to accompany him no matter what happens, that none of this situation is his responsibility and that the new way of life is not going to change the love they have for him.
The decision not to continue a relationship project can be frustrating, but it should not interfere with the parenting role.
Photo: Shutterstock illustration.
What does depend on age is the way of reacting and manifesting the changes.
The younger the child, the fewer tools they have
to process and manage their feelings, which is why they can somatize with various pains, sleep or eat badly, cry for no reason, throw more tantrums, pee when they already controlled toilet training, decrease school performance , having night terrors, etc.
As children grow, they may verbalize what is happening, fantasize about seeing them together again, feel guilt, overmaturity or over-adaptation, rebellion, and even try to replace the absent parent.
But they do not always verbalize, there are many ways to express sadness and pain.
It is essential to promote dialogue and the expression of emotions.
Hug and give affection.
Remain respectful.
A divorce can be traumatic, but if the parents do things right, the children adjust to the new situation.
Photo: Shutterstock.
Keys to respectful parenting for separated parents
There are certain things that can help everything flow in a container and respectful environment:
- Do not disqualify, criticize or ridicule the ex-partner.
Especially in front of children.
- Maintain a respectful and cordial relationship.
- Do not send messages through children.
- Do not fill gaps with gifts: the material does not replace the emotional.
- Do not overprotect or override.
- Do not allow anyone to negatively influence the construction of a healthy parental relationship.
- Try to maintain children's routines as much as possible: it gives them stability.
- Share tasks, concerns, obligations, responsibilities and setting limits.
- Avoid giving conflicting messages.
- Do not compete.
- Listen, dialogue, favor expressions and validate feelings.
- Do not blame the other parent, much less the child.
Each couple is a world, each family too.
Being a parent is irreplaceable.
There are no magic or perfect solutions.
There are attempts to maintain a respectful parental relationship.
There are special and very delicate situations that need outside help and intervention.
In that case, don't hesitate to ask for help.
Excerpt from the book by pediatrician Carla Orsini,
100 questions and answers about respectful parenting
(Planet).
Look also
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