Guadalupe Rivero
08/17/2021 8:59 AM
Clarín.com
Families
Updated 08/17/2021 8:59 AM
"Close the door", "do not make so much noise", "turn off the lights", "let's wait for them to sleep well", how many of these phrases are familiar to you? Which of them were not enough before the sudden entrance of a son or daughter who visualized that moment of intimacy that we wanted to protect?
The irruption of children in the room of their parents while they have sex is an episode that generates discomfort, doubts and discomfort that must be addressed with sexual education and dialogue as allied tools.
Julia Santecchia
, a psychologist and sexologist, and
Cecilia Borghetti
, a psychologist specializing in sexology and sex education, explained that ideally this should not happen.
"Many adults share with us the anguish with which they lived in these situations in their childhood, causing them discomfort without being able to talk about it for years," said the authors of
I ask.
Sex education from the early years
(Chirimbote).
However, from the ideal to the real there is a long way and situations like this can happen.
For this reason, it is important “not to get angry with the boys or raise our voices”, as well as “to
blame them
for what happened, since surely the moment took them by surprise and they did not expect to see any of it,” explained Borghetti.
These moments are overcome with dialogue, said the specialists.
Photo illustration Shutterstock.
For her part, the pediatrician
Carolina da Silva
(on Instagram, @ caro.dasilva.pediatria) recommended "not to panic."
“We are not harming them if we overcome the moment by creating spaces for dialogue and listening.
Preparing them for a healthy adult sex life means engaging in discussions without shame and making them aware of the intimacy of adult relationships, ”she said.
How to approach that talk
The time to chat should be when everyone is calm.
“Let them ask questions, listen and respond honestly.
We're going to feel anxious, but let's not get ahead of ourselves.
If they don't speak to us, let's ask what they saw or heard.
Let's find out how they felt and, from there, let's explain in a simple way ”, recommended Santecchia (together with Borghetti, @ sexologia.actual on Instagram).
How to approach the subject will depend on the
age of the child
.
Da Silva added that with younger children "it is suggested to ask them what they need and redirect them to another space, without acting as what they were doing is wrong or inappropriate."
For the pediatrician, it is essential to address the questions “honestly, explaining that in private adults can have those moments of kisses and caresses, times of intimacy.
Many children at this age wonder if one of the parents was hurt, it is essential to assure them that no one was hurt.
Addressing all questions from boys and girls is essential.
Photo illustration Shutterstock.
What about the older children?
The psychologists affirmed that “when they grow up
,
curiosity
begins
, but also
shame
.
Perhaps they will look for a way to avoid the subject, but it is good to give them an adequate explanation: to tell them that in adults it is something beautiful, pleasant and that it is done in privacy ”.
The pediatrician, for her part, stressed the importance of opening a space for possible questions from the boys, as well as insisting that
the private spaces of the home should be respected
.
Tusam already said: "It can fail"
Diego
is a psychologist, he is 41 years old and has
two children
.
The surprise visit to her room occurred twice, once with each child.
Neither experience was traumatic for the family, he said.
The first time it happened to him was when his son was two years old.
“We had recently moved to a new apartment.
We were with my ex-wife in our room and at one point we see that the baby was looking at us.
I don't know how long it was, ”he said.
"I'm afraid of monsters," Diego's son said the next day.
Photo illustration Shutterstock.
After a brief dialogue about "affection, intimacy and the privacy of couples", they decided to take the boy to his room.
The next morning, when they went to look for him, the baby was not in his bed.
Neither in the rest of the rooms of the house.
Diego even went to the door of the building, scared by the absence.
"Suddenly I see that the closet is half open.
I open it and it was there,
he had fallen asleep inside the closet!
I asked him what happened to him and he said, 'I'm afraid of monsters.'
With their daughter the experience was different (to the point that they do not know when it happened).
The girl, who is seven years old today, told it last year (about two years after her father and mothers separated).
She told her mom that she once found out how she "jumped on daddy."
"This time, we didn't even see her," Diego commented.
And he closed: "
We always
closed
the door, one has all the care until one is careless
."
Before an episode of this type it is recommended to clear all the doubts of boys and girls.
Photo illustration Shutterstock.
The role of Comprehensive Sex Education
The
Law 26.150 Sex Education
Integral was enacted in 2006 and establishes the right of children, adolescents, young adults receiving comprehensive sex education in public schools and private management.
How is the application of this regulation related to this type of episodes between fathers, mothers and children?
“ESI will give us a platform from which to start.
Also, children will be familiar with words like private parts, privacy, and bonds.
With the ESI we open the possibility of dialogue and spaces for listening to trust ”, said the authors of
I ask
.
Da Silva added that "the ESI promotes another way of connecting, new ways of exercising authority where rules are built, dialogue and listening are encouraged, and sanctions are established that do not violate the rights" of the boys.
Children familiar with ESI already have a starting point.
Photo illustration Shutterstock.
Once again, sex education appears essential, since thus children “receive adequate information on how to take care of themselves and others;
they have trusted adults to accompany their growth;
they can express emotions and feelings and recognize the importance of positively evaluating the body assuming that
sexuality is linked to enjoyment and pleasure,
"he added.
In addition, "they are not ashamed of body parts, but rather call them by name and develop autonomy, respect for privacy and their own body from an early age," said the pediatrician while highlighting that "all that gives them more
tools
to understand these situations that, otherwise, would be traumatic ”.
I wonder.
Sex education for the first years (Chirimbote).
Photo: courtesy Chirimbote.
Some tips to avoid or face these abrupt entries
Julia Santecchia and Cecilia Borghetti provided a series of recommendations:
Don't be distracted and stop talking.
Daily the topics of sexuality.
Use graphic supports such as the book
I ask
(Chirimbote).
Da Silva, meanwhile, advised:
In situations of co-sleeping or cohabitation you should not have sexual relations, always respect the presence of the baby and look for other places to meet.
Close the door with intimate moments.
Explain that in front of a closed door one should knock and wait to enter.
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