'Allowed' and open relationships: what to take into account when expanding the couple

09/08/2021 6:01 AM

• Clarín.com

• Relations

Updated 09/08/2021 6:01 AM

"Love is not pigeonholed, it is not enclosing, it is not judging, it is not limiting the other person to not living the things they really want."

This was stated by

Carla Galiano

, who several years ago opened her partner after warning with her partner that the traditional structure "

did not fit for either of them

."

New rules, new pacts, new opportunities and new

ties

appear when it comes to ruling out monogamy as the only possible option.

The essential thing, in principle, is that both or both agree.

But it is also necessary to

put aside stereotypes

and the idea that this other or another works practically as a belonging.

“In an open relationship, non-exclusivity is agreed with the couple;

In other words, both are given permissions to link sexually with other people, for which a non-monogamous bond would begin, the opposite of the concept of fidelity for life, ”explained the psychologist

Alejandro Viedma

, specialist in sexual diversity (on Instagram, @ aleviedmapsi).

This decision entails previous moments of reflection, personal and joint questions, where the couple imagines the sequences of this possible future.

"To address these issues, one has to

free oneself from prejudices

and question whether it would be good for them to modify their beliefs and actions regarding love and sex," said the psychologist.

For a relationship to be open, it must begin with the consensus of both members of the couple.

Photo illustration Shutterstock.

However, he stressed that “what should be clear is not so much if one is prepared to be with other people who are not his partner but to think about his partner being with other people.

There it comes in handy to

deconstruct the erroneous idea that the other is my property

or vice versa ”.

But, what is the goal of opening the couple? Why do two people jump into this experience?

For Carla, the exercise of thinking these questions before making the decision is essential.

Along these lines, he flatly rejected the possibility of surrendering to this type of relationship as a “rescue”: “If it is like a tool to 'save the couple', I do not recommend it at all.

It will bring more discomfort than benefits, in order to open a couple there must be good foundations ”.

Getting out of monogamy: from "allowed" to polyamory

A "

permitted

" that is specified, which leaves the realm of fantasy and becomes reality protected by both members of the couple.

Carla Galiano and Lucas, her partner.

Photo: courtesy Carla Galiano

Galiano, who is a sex coach specialized in clinical sexology (on Instagram, @ carla.galiano), clarified that although “one is previously agreeing and consenting that your partner may have a link or encounter with another person, having an open relationship does not it is a

'goes everything

' ”.

“That is why it is so important to have a deep and uninhibited conversation about what each party really wants and wants and to agree at what times those 'allowed' ones are going to be given, if they are free to do them when they find the time or if they are going to ask before ”, for example.

In this framework, he pointed to affective responsibility as a fundamental tool.

Without it, Carla said, it is difficult to move forward healthily.

"Then there are the agreements that each couple can make, for example, up to how many people, respect the individuality of the other, agree in advance the times when they are going to be shared with other links and respect the times that are shared as a couple", among others.

Viedma, for his part, urged to practice

sincerity

above all conditions.

“

Lies don't add up

.

Within what you can or want to talk about, new agreements will be formed where self-questions and questions can be circulated to the other: how far do I want to know and / or tell about that opening?

Do you prefer that I tell you everything?

Will it do me good or bad if you tell me details? Do I have to tell you before or after an encounter with another person?

Or would it not be necessary to tell anything because we already agreed allowed with others? "

Carla's path to polyamory

"My relationship began in a

super monogamous

way

, the typical one, where there was jealousy, reproaches and he will be you and me forever," Galiano said.

However, years later this modality ceased to interest them.

"It was not a question that I had stopped loving my partner, but rather love another person at the same time, wanting to share with both and not only sex, but everything that includes being a couple," he recalled.

That crossroads faced her with two possibilities: talk to her partner, or be unfaithful.

And so it was decided on the first option.

Carla and Lucas started out being monogamous.

Photo: courtesy Carla Galiano

After agreeing to the opening, everything became easier and more pleasant: “It was a moment of revelation about my own sexuality.

I could live it without being judged, I could have agreed sex-affective bonds

without feeling guilty

”.

The benefits of polyamory, for her, are multiple.

“It's like a couple's game.

Trust and communication increase.

You feel free to be able to live your sexuality knowing that you are not going to be judged or judged at least by your partner. "

"On an erotic level, there are many people who eroticize knowing that their partner was with another person and want to know the story, as well as many people who have various sexual encounters have a fuller sexuality and that adds more spice to the relationship. It is usually very enriching to stop feeling trapped or trapped in a single sex-affective bond ”, he summarized.

Responsibly and safely

In addition to agreements and communication, there is a central point within open relationships: the use of

condoms

or

latex pads

for the prevention of sexually transmitted infections.

Open relationships (like the rest) require care and responsibility.

Photo Illustration Shutterstock

For Galiano it is essential to take the "responsibility to take care of all the parties involved".

Viedma, meanwhile, contributed that “it is very important to clarify how those allowed at the care level will be carried out.

The main thing is that one can take care of oneself and the other in these sexual practices and not so much with whom (sex, gender, etc.) one goes to bed ”.

Myths and benefits of the open partner

Around open couples there are usually a series of

myths

that both specialists and those involved try to banish.

"The main myth is to believe that they are '

consensual infidelities

.'

In an open or polygynous relationship, the concept of infidelity changes.

Infidelity occurs when the pact that was made is broken, not by going to bed or not with another person ”, stated the sex coach.

“The other great myth is to

believe that these people no longer love each other

.

On the contrary, real love is the power to be free and not be a prisoner of the other person.

Socioculturally we have learned that there is only one way to love, when in practice this does not happen that way (or not always).

We can love more than one person at a time, just as we can feel sexual attraction for one or more.

This does not mean that love has ended, but rather an evolution of the couple, "he added.

Many myths revolve around open relationships.

Photo illustration Shutterstock.

Viedma added that “another myth is more related to fears: with the

fear of the loss of the couple,

it would be opened to try to save it -in no case are there certainties-, for which there would cross the fantasy that a third party or others could provide complementary seasonings so that this couple does not break ”.

Regarding the benefits, he mentioned that communication in this type of relationship results in "a more sincere modality from the

interpellation of one's own desire and the desire of the other

."

"When one can express their needs that generates tranquility, relief, since it leaves the traditional couple model based on eternal monogamy where infidelity involves lies or betrayal, which often causes guilt or pain," explained the psychologist.

“What is not repressed can contribute well-being, physical and mental health.

And this will impact self-esteem, because it is good for anyone to

feel desirable

to others, "he concluded.

Look also

Polyamory, according to Brigitte Vasallo: 10 reflections outside the corset of monogamy

The house of polyamory: there are four living together, they share upbringing and give workshops on jealousy and "non-monogamy"

Jealousy Management Workshops for Open and Monogamous Relationships: Can Emotions Be Educated?

Policloset: when open relationships are a secret

"Infidelity is the secret guarantee of monogamous eternity"

Valentina Godfrid and Sofía Elliot: "Closets are everything that doesn't let you be"

Brigitte Vasallo: for a polyamory without "emotional corpses"